Is My Friend in Denial?

Hey guys, just looking for some sound advice on a situation I’ve been putting myself through.

I’m attracted to people. Gender isn’t my primary reason for pursuing someone…for me it has to do with what I see in people. I feel like eye contact is very, very telling.

Last semester I met this dude in a drama class. He’s a little shy, but he is very very good-looking and could literally get any girl in the world. Thing is, I thought he was gay immediately when I saw him. Just a vibe. I’m definitely not the only one either to think that either.

I got to know him a little better and there is massive sexual tension between us…almost from the start of our friendship. I used to catch him staring at me a lot when I wasn’t looking. At our first party we went to he did nothing but kinda follow me around and tell me how happy he was that I was there. He would drink his beer very provocatively in front of me…and since then I’ve never seen him do it to anyone else, guy or girl.

Anyways, school ended and we both got pretty hammered at a bonfire and just spur of the moment I ended up telling him I can indulge in either sexes. He replied, “so you date men?” and I explained that I hadn’t but I would for the right guy. Next day we go out to grab some food and hang out and he calls me a confusing person because apparently I’m very sarcastic. He says he’s never sure if I’m telling the truth. I’m putting up this shield like, “meh, I don’t care, blah blah small talk.” For some reason, in the middle of our hangout he gets really frustrated with me and he just leaves. Takes his car and goes home. So I walk home, confused and kind of hurt.

He texts me a few days later, apologizing and saying he’s not mad at me. He never went into detail about this but we see each other a mutual friends graduation thing. He laments that sometimes we have bad chemistry and I disagree. Later that night we’re both drunk and out of nowhere he exclaims, “no, I’m straight” to me. I see a couple girls flirting with him, but he kinda goes along with it, but never does anything. One of the girls who is flirting with him is shocked to hear that he’s “not gay” when she asks him. I just laughed and he looks at me with this kinda sad look.

So now that we restored our short friendship we hang out. Sometimes with others, sometimes just us. When it’s just us he’s very very…intimate. He enjoys touching my leg and calling me handsome. He was shocked to learn that I didn’t know what ****** was…I said the word “fraught” and randomly he shouts “Frot! Frottage!” We were out with a mutual friend who is gay and he asks me if I had to have sex with either of them, who would it be? He got very descriptive with the question too. Later that night he says the other guy was making him uncomfortable because he was apparently flirting with him. Mind you, he is completely controlling this conversation and I’m trying to change the topic, but he goes on this wild tangent about gay sex and how he hates it and is totally weird…then suddenly goes into a different monologue about how maybe certain people can change how he feels about things. He was trying to involve me in this schpiel and I really felt as though he was hinting that I was different or something.

As much as he denies being gay, a boy he mentions that a lot to me, he throws out little hints. Touching, prolonged eye contact, and little things like….we see a sign that says “Curious” and innocently I say “curious” to which he responds “Only sexually…” Then he gets embarrassed.

There is so much more I’m not mentioning but I’m also very over analytical. What do you guys think?

PS, one day during conversation he was very insecure about his masculinity and I politely told him that it sounds like he needs to figure some things out about himself...to which he solemnly agreed.

 

Yeah I know I'm gonna have to be there for him for a few months. We have the same classes for school again and an immediate family member is dealing with some sort of cancer. I feel absolutely terrible for him and the way I act around him cause I feel like I need to put a barrier up between us.

I've only had these feelings once for another person. We knew we were both very attracted to each other and it didn't just work out. My relationship with this guy, who I'll call "A" feels very similar in terms of intimacy. I just don't wanna get my hopes way up, but I definitely think there is something there...but at the same time I don't wanna feel so hung up.

He talks about having had a girlfriend or two, but one of the girl's he dated had a best friend who thought he was gay. How legit can that be?

I'm not sure. Would love to talk this out with anyone! Thanks for reading guys.

 

Something tells me he’s waiting for when he graduates from college (in December). He's asked me more than once where I plan on going when college is over because he wants to move in. We're both going to the LA area.

I suppose I'll just let it come naturally if it's meant to be

 

Thanks for the advice guys,

Hung out with A today. We both were cutting the bullshit for the most part it seemed. There's a strong emotional tension between us. That can't be one-sided can it? It seems to radiate through the eyes...

Opportunity arose, so naturally I put a conversation together where I joked that there wasn't any gays in Iran unfortunately and he laughed. Soon, without my direct influence he went on another tangent and I couldn't tell whose perspective he was telling it from but since I was kinda shocked to be hearing, I don't remember the exact wording. Actually it was more of imaginative anecdote, but it was something about pretending to be straight and then when asked by someone else he exclaims: "I love VAGINA!". I was taken a bit back and didn't really know how to react, but he insinuated that we could both relate and then gave me a high five..lol

Then he told me he never really liked eating girls out and he felt it was something you had to do once a year, like jury duty. There must be some really interesting things going on his head. I'm so lost with this dude haha

 

I really want to trust my intuition and I usually do...but I'm still hesitant.

Today we had plans to hang out and see a movie and after we had a really good few hours yesterday I figured he'd be excited. He's kinda blown me off though today. No call no text and we both have stuff to do in a few hours...makes me think he doesn't care and now I feel kinda down in the dumps about it.

:/ agh.

 

Hey guys!

Yesterday was the first day of school and I had class with A. I played hard to get (maybe I should stop doing that) and he kinda lingered around me until I really paid him attention. He acted like after class he was gonna go home immediately but hung around until I asked him to do something and he got excited.

A mutual friend, who is a girl, caught us heading out of the school building to wherever we were going and tagged along. He seemed a little frustrated at first, but as time went I was getting more frustrated and acting distant from both of them just cause I wanted it to be me and A alone. He mostly entertained her and watching from sort've outside they had zero chemistry which I thought was funny lol. For the most part he was talking about this girl he wants me to get with (not the one we're with) but at the same time, pretending in front of this girl we're with that he's definitely going to go for her (when I know he's clearly joking) and throughout our conversation he keeps bringing it up, laughing at himself and looking at me.

Anyway, we were trying to have some good conversation but her presence (and her laughing at everything) was sort've killing the vibe for A and he ended up leaving.

Later I texted him that I was sorry for being distant. I almost never text A cause he's a terrible text buddy (he prefers phone calls) so I wasn't expecting a response. He responded almost immediately and said it was all good and he had fun hanging out with us. He wanted to know if we did anything after we left and I said no. He then asked me if he was third wheeling and I told him I'm not attracted to her and if anything, she was third wheeling us! Again, not expecting a response cause this is a classic moment where he leaves me hanging. But after 30 mins of nothing he texts me back and says "YEAH! She was killin the vibe by laughing at everything. We were trying to be deep." Lately our conversations have been pretty deep so I don't think this was really just a joke for him. Maybe he's serious.

What do you guys think? How should I proceed?

Advice would helpful as heck!

 

This has become a place to really write down my feelings (and I feel strongly for this guy) and notes. He's either incredibly confused and conflicted or straight and I'm still trying to figure it out.

We hung out for a while the other day and we were supposed to get drinks at the end of the night, but he avoided it and called it off.

Reasons he's straight:
- He's "tired of being hit on by men" all the time.
- Talks about all his ex-girlfriends.
- Talks about how much he loves girls. He says he has a journal he writes in about all the girls he likes. He will talk about them in good length.
- Like masculine women.
- Wants to pursue a girl (a mutual friend, who apparently already has a boyfriend but I don't think he knows that) at school.
- Actively angry with a girl who he slept with I guess who changed her mind about him and decided to date someone else.

Reasons to question:
- Insecure about being effeminate
- Recently told me that the day after I came out to him he said he was "really really excited" to get to know me on a philosophical level and when he interpreted that I wasn't interested (which I was) he got upset and left.
- I told him that he could be open with me he says he wants to be but is scared as to how I will react.
- Really close with a girl who is gay and says that she is one of the only people he's really opened up to. (flip side is he said he's attracted to her).
- Has a picture of Brad Pitt in his phone lol
- A F.acebook photo from 4 years ago shows him walking out of a store called "The Closet" and one of his friends wrote "Oh I get it!" to which he responded "i am truly proud of you".
- Invited me down to LA with him to visit his friends...and while asking he got my attention by grabbing my thigh...again.
- On the train he stood really close to me and when I said, "this is incredibly intimate." he laughs and puts his face an inch from mine and says "there's nothing sexual about this".

Again, I might be reading too far into this but I'd really like to know what people think cause I want to just be friends with him if he actually is straight.

 

Huge crush lol

It's been a minute since I felt connected emotionally and physically to someone. I'm terrible at romance though so I play hard to get :icon_redf

...and he's definitely said (in front of someone else too) that I'm always playing hard to get

 

That's what I'm wondering. Maybe he thinks I'm playing hard to get as a friend, but we split it about 50/50 when we make plans to do stuff...

Sometimes in social settings there will be a girl who's cute and it's hard for me not to flirt with someone who's flirting back, so I know he's seen that.

And if he knew I had a crush on him...which I think is somewhat apparent, then why would he continue to flirt with me...whisper things in my ear and touch me. It's really confusing haha

thanks Quem

 

Bizarre moment yesterday after A and I's play rehearsal...

Well first of all he sat next to me during rehearsal and our seats are close together. He shifts his entire body in my direction, is really anxious acting and is touching me a bunch.

After the entire cast went to get a drink and randomly he puts bread in his mouth and asks another dude to grab it with his mouth... The other guy, who happens to be the guy that "stole" the last girl A was "dating" goes for it but A basically goes in and kisses him in front of everyone. Everyone was surprised and A seemed sort of embarrassed afterwards.

Then later he grabs me on the face and tells me another metaphor about something developing natural if it's meant to be. Like what else could that possibly mean? Straight dudes don't allude to this on more than one occasion, right? Our friend who was with us asked him if he was gay and he said no, but he was "unsuccessfully straight".

Then we split away and he tells me he's going to go the bathroom and this is what he said... Word for word, no stopping: " I'm going to go push things out so I can put stuff in. You know? Do you know where the male g-spot is? It's in the butt! Every gay man I've known has told me that."

Lol anyone have further thoughts?

---------- Post added 11th Sep 2014 at 10:01 AM ----------

Bizarre moment yesterday after A and I's play rehearsal...

Well first of all he sat next to me during rehearsal and our seats are close together. He shifts his entire body in my direction, is really anxious acting and is touching me a bunch.

After the entire cast went to get a drink and randomly he puts bread in his mouth and asks another dude to grab it with his mouth... The other guy, who happens to be the guy that "stole" the last girl A was "dating" goes for it but A basically goes in and kisses him in front of everyone. Everyone was surprised and A seemed sort of embarrassed afterwards.

Then later he grabs me on the face and tells me another metaphor about something developing natural if it's meant to be. Like what else could that possibly mean? Straight dudes don't allude to this on more than one occasion, right? Our friend who was with us asked him if he was gay and he said no, but he was "unsuccessfully straight".

Then we split away and he tells me he's going to go the bathroom and this is what he said... Word for word, no stopping: " I'm going to go push things out so I can put stuff in. You know? Do you know where the male g-spot is? It's in the butt! Every gay man I've known has told me that."

Lol anyone have further thoughts?

 

Thanks Seven.

It was hard at first but it's become a lot easier as I get to know him and his tendencies. Initially I thought "oh yeah he's totally into me, this will be simple." Now I think I know what I'm dealing with so having those feelings for him are easier because they're not as strong and presumptuous.

There's totally a chance that it's all an act for him and he's straight, but still, being on the other end of this is totally distracting me from a few other romantic interests.

 

A is such a sweetheart to me.

Yesterday I was cranky and we were hanging out with a couple of friends. I got up and left without a lot of explanation just cause I was feelin’ kinda bleh about some of the things he was saying that seemed to contradict stuff he’d told me in the past. Basically he was tailoring his story for a different audience.

Anyways, he ended up texting me a little after I left if I was okay. It was cute lol. He said he noticed a change in my behavior and it concerned him.

Today he was waiting for me outside my class and asked me to go to lunch with him. So we hung out and he asked me if I was worried about my body image, which I thought was random. He touches me all over my chest and stomach and says that I don’t have to worry and that I’m firm and good. Then he said he always thought that people were flirting with him when they do that to him and I said, “yeah, I always thought that too.” And give him a look and he laughs. We go sit outside and we talk about life and how he’s having a quarter life crisis and he’s not really sure what he’s doing.

Sometimes I think he’s just saying “I love you” as a joke. But today he told me he’s loved me since he first met me…which is strange cause the first time we met I thought he was very attracted to me. I just got that vibe.

The girl he said he wanted to date apparently told him no and he was bummed cause he an excuse to go get this weird alternative ice cream. I said he could take me on a date there and he got a little excited.

Two questions:

If he is a bit in denial about his feelings, why is he so comfortable flirting very publicly with me?

Based on my behavior, do you think he knows I like him?

Sometimes we have moments where we just look at each other and smile. It’s like we’re both confirming something that doesn’t need to be said...or is he just really playful and knowingly stringing me along?