So, hi everyone. It's me again. I've been gone for almost a month now. Originally, the reason I left was because I thought I was asexual and didn't 'fit in' here....but I realized I was wrong. I became sexually attracted to someone recently (but nothing happened as it was one-sided) and my feelings just made me realize that I was just repressing my sexuality and only allowed myself to feel that way for people I trusted. Now...the reason I'm deciding to post this in this section instead of the welcome section is I have some recent issues. No matter how hard I try...I STILL can't get over my internalized homophobia. I thought I would be fine since I was taking therapy, but it just got worse and worse. After I left EC, I felt the therapy went downhill, dealt with slight heterosexist comments from my therapist, was diagnosed with BPD, and was told that "I couldn't be helped, there's no hope for me, and therapy isn't what I need'. So basically...I have nothing right now. I considered suicide for the past week and stopped caring if it hurt my family or not. I attempted a few times and failed, and I feel like most of the reasons are still internalized homophobia. My friend (who I have a slight crush on but It's onesided) actually found out about my suicide attempts and started flipping out; she was with me for hours tonight and refused to leave my side even staying up to 3 AM for me. I felt terrible. She eventually went to bed worried sick but I still went back to self-harm and such. While doing so, I couldn't get the thoughts of how I could be hurting my friend out of my head and wished I could stop. So my next choice? I decided to come back to EC. I planned to be gone much much longer since I thought I moved on from this place. But, I started remembering how good people make me feel here and how much I started to accept my sexuality from being here. I feel like I still need support from this environment, because I just can't take things lately. Of course my family isn't even aware of what I did tonight because I didn't want to tell or get a lecture from them...It's been a terrible situation all around.
It's nice to have you back falling , I think you need a better therapist the one you had just sounds so mean and homophobic .:icon_sad: if you ever need to talk I'm here .
glad your back.just remember internalized homophobia is learned behavior and it can be unlearned.exposing your self to lgbt people like on ec does help to fight shame issues.i found having a gay idol helps 2.and finding lgbt groups online that share interests.
That is an extreme set of opposites going on there. Well first I want to say I am glad you choose to keep living today. Killing your self is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I know that statement has been said a million times over but it doesn't make it any less true. As for that therapist seems to me that they shouldn't have gotten there license. I think you should get a little more involved with these EC topics. When you are feeling down post about it, talk it out with some of the members. Even if you are posting a new topic every few hours for new feelings. As you know its easy to talk on here its easy to let out your true feelings. There are plenty of people here who are wanting to help as best we can. All that said I spend most of my time on here if you need to just vent then by all means bug me as much as you wish. I will not say that I can relate to your particular problems but I would like to learn more about your and the problems you are having. I can certainly provide some insight and maybe help you understand your self more.
Welcome back. I have to address one issue: If your therapist with your therapist was then, in all honesty, your therapist needs to be reported to the licensing board in your state. Such a comment is (a) factually incorrect; (b) grossly inappropriate and unprofessional and (c) is pretty clear that the therapist is completely incompetent. First, the borderline diagnosis, if it is accurate (which it may not be) does not mean that you cannot be treated; recent advances with DBT have shown significant success in improving the lives and happiness of people with BPD. Second, with the exception of antisocial personality disorder -- people who are incapable of feeling empathy -- there are few, if any, diagnoses that cannot improve or be resolved from a combination of therapy, medication, or both. I'm really sorry that you had the experience you had, but I will say there are a lot of really shitty therapists out there. What might have been appropriate for your therapist to say was that s/he didn't have the necessary skills or experience (or personality match, for that matter) to best help you, and offer to refer you elsewhere. To tell you that you can't be helped is completely untrue and cruel. As far as the internalized homophobia... that comes from a place of shame and low self esteem, and that is what your therapist should have been working on, but honestly it sounds like you just got stuck with somebody that was totally inept. I hope you'll reconsider therapy. If you need help finding a good therapist, send me a PM with your city and state, I have a small network of therapists I know or have some connection to, and if there's one in your area, I'd be happy to give you contact info.
I agree with Chip about your therapist being shitty. No good therapist would make heterosexist comments then tell you that there's no help for the BPD that s/he diagnosed. Research has shown that therapy and medication can help, so I think it would be a great idea for you to give a new therapist a try.
I'm glad to see you back, but I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult time. I can relate to your feelings of shame as well as the extreme repression. It's really hard to start experiencing those things when they are exactly what you've been afraid to acknowledge for so long. I agree with the others, your therapist sounds terrible and I think you should try to find a new one. No therapist should ever tell you that you "couldn't be helped," that's just awful! I'm sure that there is someone better suited to your needs out there, perhaps you can try to find someone who works with LGBT issues specifically, as they will have more experience dealing with your internalized homophobia in a sensitive and understanding manner. Hang in there, Fallingdown7. You've helped a lot of people here, myself included. I hope we can return the favor and we're here to listen. And if you're feeling suicidal again and need immediate help, please call a helpline or your friend, or someone who can be there with you right away. You're worth it.
