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looking for help from afar, 1st timer

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by InTheSand, Aug 22, 2014.

  1. InTheSand

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    I'm 26 male my wife 22female and i have been together for roughly two years. I'm currently in afgahistan and am having a lot of trouble understating my wife's bi-sexual side, so I thought to come straight to the source.
    Before we married this last may, we have gone to gender neutral clubs (in have no idea what words to use so please forgive me) and we've always had a great time. She knows I'm very comfortable with my own sexuality and am open to others as they choose. I knew she was bi very quickly after we started talking and I was ok with it. In fact in a childish way I thought it was hot as all straight men do. But then as I grew to love her and eventually marry her I realized I never wanted to share this woman with anyone.
    We married a few months before I deployed. I surprised her with it and explained unwanted her to be taken care of if something happened to me. And so we were wed. Things were going ok while in was state side but now that imbhere the problems are brewing.
    It started with her wanting me to read posts about bi's being ignored or made fun of bc they were married to the opposite sex. It came back around to the conversation we had a few months ago aboutnher finding a gf for comfort while in was away. I suggested it even after considering that would put me in a awkward state, but her happiness was more important. Well today it escalated into " being bi means I'm attracted to girls and guys I can't just pick." And a huge argument that she clarrifed as , if she gets a gf she can't promise she won't find a guy as well.
    I don't know if its selfish of me, but I'm ok with someone looking at my house and admiring all there is but to go inside is another thing....if that makes sense.
    I feel as though I'm trying to work with her and make sure she's happy bc she's been down and stressed since I left with work and moving Apts, but her being unhappy isn't getting either of us anything.
    I miss they flirting we did, the sexting we would do and the genuine smiles in her pictures. We talked about sexting and she said all it does to her is make her realize how long its going to be before she can have it. I don't know what to do or if I'm making the right choice.
    I don't want to find someone else as she says I can do. But she's also very stubborn and I don't know how to get through to her.

    Any help is better than where I'm at.
    (!)(!) Bc dancing is fun.
     
  2. Aspen

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    Hopefully someone else with more experience can offer their own advice, but I'll give it my best shot. My girlfriend is pansexual (gender isn't a factor in who she's attracted to) and I'm bisexual. It doesn't matter that we're attracted to more than one gender; we choose each other. Our sexualities are not license to cheat.

    I'm not sure how many relationships she had before you and whether they were opposite-sex or same-sex, but she may not have been done "playing the field" as it were. You're not selfish. You married her expecting a monogamous relationship and now that you're away, she's looking for an open marriage. She's trying to guilt you into allowing her to cheat. I think the two of you need to sit down and discuss what you really want out of your marriage. Explain to her that while you accept her sexuality, you don't feel comfortable with the idea of her in a relationship with anyone else.
     
  3. InTheSand

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    It just really sucks as I'm trying to focus on What I can do to make her happy and it feels as though the only thing that would make her happy if for me to step aside and allow someone to take my place while Im gone.
    As for her past, I don't think she's actually had a serious woman relationship, and I know of two other guys But that's it.
    Thank you for responding so promptly, I've been tearing myself up since it started.

    ---------- Post added 22nd Aug 2014 at 08:36 AM ----------

    Well I told her I didn't want her seeing anyone else and stood my ground about it.
    She said she Simply replies with "I love you, this conversation will haunt me, in would not like to talk to you for a while."
    I feel like I'm about to be divorced via mail bc I don't want to share my wife.
     
  4. AKTodd

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    Hey there,

    I have several friends who are military, active or retired. I also worked for a military contractor for a while and live in proximity to half a dozen bases. So have some experience with the stresses deployments can put on a marriage.

    Coming at it from that direction, it sounds like your wife is feeling lonely and stressed. You mention moving apartments, but not whether that was across town or across the country. If the latter your wife could be feeling isolated and with no one to talk to. If that's the case, I'd suggest that she look into what resources are available at the local military base, as well as meetup groups, and even here on EC. I can flat guarantee you that no one here is going to give her any grief for either being bi or being married to a guy.

    In terms of the open marriage thing, I think that would be a mistake, both because you're not comfortable with it (sweet of you to care enough to suggest it, though it was) and it's something you would both be starting into at a time when you are both already in the stressful situation of your deployment. Never been in an open relationship of any kind, but from everything I've read, they depend on open communication, honesty all around, and all parties being comfortable with the situation. And you've readily admitted that you're not. I can easily see that discomfort growing and getting ugly if this moves forward. This has nothing to do with 'should', it's just the way that you're wired. That most people are wired, actually.

    If we instead consider the situation just in terms of your wife trying to talk you into an open marriage and you not being comfortable with it. I'm totally in agreement with Aspen. Your wife's orientation isn't really a factor in this, neither is her need for sex. I'm sure you're taking care of your physical needs solo right now, and she can too. It's not fair to you for her to be asking this of you and then pushing the issue if it's not in your nature to go for it.

    Wish I could be more positive, but there it is:frowning2:

    On a final (and still less than happy) note...regardless of how this works out between you, when you get back to the states I strongly recommend that you practice protected sex (meaning condoms) exclusively until and unless you see current medical test results indicating she is disease free. I know, that's REALLY not what you want to think about (I'm sorry!!!) But I've seen a bit of the train wreck that results when an active duty member comes off deployment...and either brings an STD home with them...or finds their significant other picked one up while they were gone.

    Hope things work out for the best for you.

    Todd
     
  5. InTheSand

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    Thanks guys and gals,
    This is my first rodeo married and I didn't think it was gonna be like this.
    As for moving she's moving a few miles south of where she currently lives.
    Like what is the norm for how bisexual couples have relationships? She mentioned its not normal for monogomy, or something along those lines ,I'd have to re read it. But do most couples deal or react when the bi partner asks for more ?
     
  6. AKTodd

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    I'm not bi nor have I ever been in a relationship with someone who is. But from what I've observed when bi related issues come up here on EC, bi relationships work pretty much the same as any other. And the idea of monogamy not being normal for bi people is pretty much nonsense. In fact, that idea is basically a stereotype that a lot of bi people really hate since it interferes with their attempts to form relationships. There's also a stereotype out there that gay men don't (or can't) do monogamy. But I've been in a monogamous relationship for over 17yrs now and I'm perfectly happy with that.

    In a nutshell then: There are individual people of every orientation who are not into monogamy. But there is no particular group or orientation that isn't just as an integral part of their orientation. Either your wife has been/is being told this stereotype and believes it or she is trying to convince you of this 'fact' as part of a campaign to get you to agree to an open marriage.

    Ultimately, I would argue that orientation is irrelevant to the core issue. Remove any particular orientation from the equation and you are left with a basic situation:

    Your spouse wants you to consent to them having sex with other people. You do not wish to do this and do not want them having sex with other people, but rather want to be in a monogamous relationship.

    This basic equation holds true whether your spouse was straight, gay, bi, pan, trans, or whatever.

    How exactly you resolve this difference in values, I'm not sure:/

    My 2c worth,

    Todd
     
  7. InTheSand

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    Thank you Todd. You Guys have been a huge help