I'm 20 and my LDR boyfriend of 3 months is 22, and ever since yesterday i've been overwhelmed by guilt and panic and a general feeling that I've ruined the relationship. I love him to death and he is honestly the best one I feel I could ever get and I don't want to lose him, but I think I lied to him and am scared I may have ruined the relationship. When we first got to know each other he told me he was a virgin and I said I was one as well - which essentially was true, because I had never had sex with another man, however I did have (1) a weird one night stand with a guy where I gave him head for like 1 or 2 minutes before him stopping me and then jerking off on his own, while I never even took any of my clothes off and didn't let him touch me and (2) gave blowjob twice in the same night (while drunk) to a friend (and he tried to give me, but I stopped him because of anxiety) who I'm no longer in contact with and then made out with him 2 more times. Both these occurrences (1) and (2) happened long before we met and I'm 100% faithful to him and don't ever want to cheat on him, but when he asked about it I only told him that I drunkenly made out with and touched the boner of the guy in (2) and i'm feeling very conflicted and kind of guilty about it. I know that relationships should be based on honesty and trust and I feel we have that, apart me hiding this one thing. I'm scared that I broke his trust, but I'm also scared that if I don't come clean it would put a wedge between us. But also at the same time I'm scared taht it's going to hurt him if I tell him the truth. Like I said, I really love him (and he loves me) and I don't want to lose him, especially not over something like this... so from the perspective of keeping the relationship healthy and loving, what do you guys think I should do?
Sounds like you feel you need to tell him, otherwise it's prolly gone eat you up inside. If he's worth it I'm sure he'd forgive you holding back. Don't beat yourself up over the past. Move on and enjoy what you have now.
Oral sex is still sex, so even in the gay world you're not a virgin. He may have felt like he was lied to, especially if he finds out, but It's really best to come clean.
I think you are being way too hard on yourself, I mean this was in the past, and yes you did omit some details but that is not exactly lying. However if it's really bothering you that much, then just go ahead and tell him, I don't think he would make a big deal of it, I mean it's not like you have cheated on him. Now about the way to tell him, just say it how you just told us, like: There's something that I've wanted to tell you, is certainly no big deal, but it's bothering me a lot recently, remember when you asked me if I was a virgin and I told you bla bla bla, well it's true but I may have omitted some stuff (you tell him the other stuff), I think at the moment I disregarded these things, first because it meant really nothing, and second because I didn't want to dissapoint you in some way, but now that we've come this far, I decided I wanted to come clean. Again, I really don't think he would make a big deal out of this, but you know him better, in any case I believe that the fact that this is bothering you so much reflects how much you care about him and I'm sure he will appreciate that more than anything you could have done before meeting him, I certainly would. Good luck. Diego.
I do really care about him, but I've read an article online about how coming clean about a problem that's not going to happen again and that the other person wouldn't find out about can actually cause more problems than it solves, and that terrifies me. Could anyone tell me what their opinion on it is? Overwhelmed with Guilt - Truth About Deception
I kinda agree with the article, it depends of the situation of course, however it's more probably directed to cheaters, and again you are not one. So the two options are: 1) To come clean to him, be in peace with your self, and risk that maybe (I doubt it) this could affect your relationship, perhaps not now, but later. 2) Don't tell him, in the end is not really a big deal, it was in the past, before you met him, yeah you didn't tell him the whole story but who does, everybody and I mean everybody keep some things for themselves even from their soul mates, and specially if you are sure this won't happen again, then give yourself a break, sure it might be for a while in the back of your head, bothering you, but it will fade eventually, but in order for that to happen, you need to get this straight: You did nothing wrong. I if were you, I'll go for option # 2, but then I wouldn't have given it a lot of thought on the first place, but it's your choice, whatever you decide hopefully it would come out ok, since you seem to have something special. Cheers.
