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Looking for a friend?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by imjustaperson, Aug 23, 2014.

  1. I have friends in real life, but I always feel like an outsider. They do stuff together and don't invite me, and sort of have the attitude "Oh we were just hanging out, we didn't know you'd want to come." I have a lot of friends who have done the ALS ice bucket challenge, but no one has nominated me. It's not that I'd love to dump a bucket of ice water on my head, but I feel like no one ever thinks about me, or remembers that I exist and I'm their friend. Some of these people I kind of consider my "best friends" or very close friends since I've known them for 6+ years. I don't know, I guess I just feel sort of alone and left out. Unwanted. It's not a pleasant feeling. :icon_sad:

    My friend was making a video and wanted me to act in it, so she was really assertive about getting together while she still needed me for that. At any other time, though, I have to ask to hang out. I don't understand. She hangs out with our other friends and they hang out with each other, but I never get the memo.
     
    #1 imjustaperson, Aug 23, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 23, 2014
  2. Leonardo

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    I'll be your friend! (*hug*)
     
  3. Lol ok. Have you ever had this problem with friends? Being left out/forgotten about?
     
  4. NDark

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    I used to have that problem a lot. It was back in seventh grade, when suddenly all my guy friends stopped hanging out. I tried to befriend some girls, but it just didn't work. The next year, I was surrounded by friendly friends ~ and even though I didn't have a lot of friends, they were very inclusive and I felt assertive among them. Sometimes, the solution is just to find new friends, even though it may not always be the preferred solution.
     
  5. Yeah, it's hard to just make new friends when you're timid like I am. I've been lazy and just sticking with my current friends who apparantly seem to forget my existence or just don't like hanging out with me anymore. Maybe since I'm starting college I'll meet some nice people.
     
  6. Kai LD

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    I have had friends that only really wanted me around when I was useful in some way to them, but otherwise didn't give a damn really about me. It totally sucks when you realize that that is how it is. (Not saying this is the case for you)
     
  7. DreamingLove

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    :tears:Same for me but i guess it's because I'm not out.I try to act straight all the time and just feel alone around my friends:bang:and they see each other all the time while I rarely get invited.But I got my hopes up for this school year :slight_smile:If you ever feel lonely you can pm me I love to talk and be friends (although i dont have any friends on this forum)(&&&)
     
  8. Aw, thanks. And I think I've had a somewhat similar experience among my friends (practically all girls), because while I'm attracted to guys, I don't identify as a "girl" and I just don't feel like that gender (I'm agender). It's always been tough to seem like I'm as into high heels and sparkly dresses as them. Initially I just listened to them talk and nodded along, but now when we go to the mall I may very well express my distaste. One of those two friends totally gets me and doesn't care that I'm different; the other, I perceive, doesn't know why I'm not enthusiastic about being a "girl," and I think her lack of understanding makes her uncomfortable.

    The mall is basically where all this manifests. They like going into stores that exclusively market to women, and that's a problem for me because the fashion is too feminine for me, too figure-hugging and such. I just wander around trying to look amused, but all I have to say about the clothing is negative, so I keep it to myself. While they share their more intricate thoughts, I'm just like "Yeah, that's sooo not me. This is awkward."

    The friend who seems confused by me is the one I really feel is drifting. Maybe intentionally.
     
    #8 imjustaperson, Aug 24, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 24, 2014
  9. SimpleTim

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    I'm really sorry to hear that you find making friends tough. It is really tough for a lot of people, and it is really easy to get yourself down. Getting that 'connection' with someone is a lot like a game of odds.

    I think a lot of us shy and outcasted people secretly have a very friendly, positive and warm personality to us. It's just that we are too shy/scared or anxious to let it show. But it is your ticket to get inside!

    Now that I think about it, the times where I did make close friends, I had to really stick myself out on a limb a the start. When gatherings were held where I wasn't invited, I had to speak up. "Hey! That sounded like it was a lot of fun! Next time invite me!". When a gathering was planned, no one would ask me, I would have to invite myself in. "I would really like to go with you guys! I could use something to do!" It worked, because I started getting invited to everything.

    From there, be positive. Compliment people, and also really show that you are having fun. If people don't know you well, they might make negative assumptions. Show them your good stuff, the things that you think make you awesome, and their beliefs will change.

    Another thing that really connects people is gossip. It's like a secret little exchange with people, and fires up a connection. Of course, make it good gossip. When your alone with someone, start complimenting one of their friends. "'That person' sure has a great personality, don't you think?". Even better, it's a good way to learn about the group.
     
    #9 SimpleTim, Aug 24, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 24, 2014
  10. Yeah, it's so true that people forget about shy people when we're usually really easygoing and accepting. I guess I just feel to hurt to speak up and invite myself to some future outing. My thought process is like "You guys forgot about me? Hmmph well I don't need you either!"
     
  11. SimpleTim

    SimpleTim Guest

    Sometimes I reread the thread, and then my advice, and sometimes think I might have missed the mark, or it was inappropriate. I'm sorry if I seem a bit ignorant to your situation.

    About making friends: I also have felt that way, a lot of times. It can still happen to me again. It sure deflates confidence when you feel the people you want to get close to push you away.

    Often times, I try to keep as impersonal and logical as I can. I would ask questions to myself such as:

    - Is it possible that these girls intentions were less sinister than I realized?
    - What are all the possible reasons I didn't get invited?
    - Is there anything I am doing that makes me unwelcoming?
    - Is there sufficient reason to change what I am doing to make me more welcoming?
    - Do the positives experiences outweigh the negative experiences when I hang out with these girls? (In essence, is it worth my effort?)
    - What can I do to meet other people?

    That kind of unfolded negatively, perhaps you find it is worth the effort. Perhaps there is a chance that the girls intentions are not as sinister as you thought. Basically, I would gather a lot of information, and be sure to make a sound decision from there.