I've never really run to an online community for help, because to me, the best person to figure out my problems is myself. However, lately, I've become so confused that I just... Don't know what to do anymore... To explain, I've been in a relationship with another girl for a little over a year and a half now. When we first started dating (and for a long time after, of course) nothing ever went wrong. I know relationships come hand-in-hand with their own issues and complications, but I never expected what we had to change so drastically, so quickly. About four moths ago (give or take, since it wasn't an immediate change) I started noticing how different, smaller things irritated or aggravated my girlfriend. And I don't mean just little things I did, I mean little things in general. For example, one morning I had come to get ready with her and go out. Well, a few minutes before we went to leave, she ran to her room to find her jacket. I went up a couple minutes later to help her, and after we had dug through a drawer or two, she got frustrated, said she "gives up", throws what she had in her hand on the floor and flat-out told me she wasn't going anywhere. Being the worrier I am, I tried to make it better by finding it myself and telling her it was okay (which it really was, since we didn't have a time limit to leave or anything~). I'm not sure if it made her mad, or just upset her because she was in a bad mood, but she screamed at me to "forget it", that it wasn't worth it, and that I should just go without her. Long story short, we wound up not until out until about three hours later, when I finally talked her into wearing a different jacket. In all honesty, I let that event slip my mind after a couple days, because she had never gotten that upset over something so... Fixable. As months have gone by, I've noticed that things have gone from bad, to worse. Not only is she getting upset over small everyday things, but she's getting more and more irritated with me if I don't understand exactly what she means by something, or if our plans have to change in the slightest of ways. I will admit that I've learned to argue back over the past couple of weeks, which I'm sure doesn't help. I don't mean to, it's just that... She's broken up with me about three different times, all during periods of what seem like a really hateful anger, where she does nothing but yell at me, push me away, and tell me how I don't care, and how I'm doing everything wrong, when I "should just be able to fix it the way she wants". As much as I love her (and I do, with all of my heart and soul), I've been hurt too many times to count in my life, and I've been going on the defensive more and more, because I'm waiting for the day that she says one of the many hurtful things that she has, and means it... I'm not blaming her by any means, because I do know (which also may help with your opinion) that she deals with bipolar depression, and can from from a really low state to full manic really quickly. She never hid this from me, and it never effected how I feel about her. But recently... It seems like something else is wrong. Maybe I'm just being overly worried, and it really is just a bad time for her, but... I'm honestly scared. Not *of* her, but of losing her, and of losing what we have... I don't know what to do anymore, because any way I've tried to help has done nothing but make it worse, but she does want me to help. She's used to me having all the answers, but this time... I'm at a loss... Do I try something else? Do I end what we have, since it's seems to be spiraling down?
I've never been in a situation like that, but I have had those kinds of lows before...anyway, I'll try to help. How is she treating her bipolar disorder? i.e. is she seeing a therapist, taking any medication, etc...? Have you found out about any other major stressors in her life (job, school, parents, roommates)? I think it's clear that something isn't working, or something is making things worse. She's not in control. It's probably painful for her and I sympathize with her, but she's not under control and you're suffering because of that. Something has to change for her to get better. A better therapist, a lifestyle change, maybe just a new and healthier way of expressing her pain. I think whether or not you stay depends on whether you're willing to see her through such a change, and if she never gets better control of herself, whether it's worth it to be her emotional punching bag. You might also want to look into methods of dealing with angry/upset people without getting defensive and yelling back. It takes some training, but you can train yourself. I've learned about that a little, but can't remember any resources, sorry. Couples counseling might help with that, if you want to look into it...
She's actually not currently treating it at all (although she used to see a therapist), which her and I both know should change, but she's still living with her parents at the moment, and they're actually a pretty big part of the problem, at least the way I see it. Most of her family treats her horribly. Her parents scream and threaten her and her brothers anytime they step out of line. Her brothers also treat her just as badly. They've both verbally and physically attacked her anytime they've needed to "let off steam". It got so bad with one of them while I was there that he attacked her in front of me, and as much as I yelled at him to stop, it took me throwing him off of her and telling him to get out that stopped him, and she believes that the only reason he let up was because I was there, since he's been afraid of me ever since I met him. Long story short, her entire family is her stressor, and I want nothing more than to remove her from that situation, which I've already talked with her about. She hasn't been in control for some time now, and she tells me all the time (usually right after she calms down from a bad night) that she's trying to change, but nothing seems to be working for her. I've asked her before what her opinion was on getting a therapist or medication, and while she'd rather figure everything out on her own (much like I always do), she's admitted that it really wouldn't hurt to get some extra help from a professional. As far as me staying goes... I'm still completely undecided. It's honestly less about me being hurt over everything, and more about what I think might be better for her. I've gotten a lot better about arguing back over the past few days. I told myself that if I ever wanted to really help her, doing the exact same thing that she does to me to "make it fair", wasn't the answer. Not that I ever thought it was before, but I had been yelled at so many days that I lost my control as well. My relationship before I met her was also with a girl, but the person before that was an overly-aggressive, abusive guy, whom I finally left after almost a year of being terrified to say a word to him about it. Just as she's honest with me, I am with her. She knows about anyone I've ever dating, what happened with it, and why I was so reluctant to trust another person. Well with what's been happening lately, as she gets what seems angrier and angrier... I stop seeing her. And I mean that literally. My head takes over and all of a sudden I'm trapped in her bedroom with my ex, and... I freak out. I wound up scaring her the last time because she told me that after she had been upset for a while, I got completely quiet and didn't respond to a single thing she said, which I don't remember. At all. It's liked a blacked out into my own mind, and trust me when I say, I never wanted that to happen. It's just as confusing and painful for me as it is for her. If anything, we both need to get better, just in different ways. That (along with many, many other reasons) is why I love her as much as I do. I want nothing but the absolute best for her, and I wish I had some magic button that would make everything bad in her life simply go away. I want to be there for her, and that much I know. I just don't know if want she needs is a girlfriend, or just a supportive friend. I won't lose her from my life over something like this, so I'm willing to be whatever it is she needs me to be right now. I'm really just trying to figure out what that is... I really do appreciate the help, and I may look into couples counseling if she wants us to work, because I never even thought of that option before~
I've been away for a little while, but as far as an update goes, nothing really got better, and one argument even went on into the next day. I didn't want anything to turn public, since the last time it did (a couple weeks ago, actually) she wound up breaking the bag I was carrying by pulling me back to talk to her by grabbing onto it and holding my shirt collar so I would look at her, so I just wound up leaving to let both of us cool down. As always, we still stayed together, but she told me herself that she wasn't willing to lose me, or us. She said the next time it happens, leave, no matter what. I know she's trying, and I definitely know she doesn't want to hurt me, but... Leaving would just hurt her too, and that's the last thing I want to do...
Counseling sounds like the answer. It seems like you could use a bit for yourself and how to help her cope and she needs more, for the bipolar and dealing with her abusive family. I read somewhere that asking her what she needs from you during an episode is better than guessing but, definitely, counselling.
Really - I definitely agree with you, and I know she would as well. The only problem is, she's still underage, and her parents think it's all in her head, so they'd rather save their money than "waste it on something stupid", so right now, I seem to be the only counseling she's getting. I intend on getting professional help - For both of us, but it seems like I have no say it in right now, since she can't go against her parents. And that's one thing I've actually tried, thinking it would work as well, but I guess it's different for each situation, because anytime I've asked her what she needed me to do or say, it made her even more upset, and all she ever tells is, "I shouldn't have to tell you. You should be able to figure it out.". Afterwards she feels bad for saying that, of course, because even she can't figure out what she needs when things get bad. I've tried talking to her, saying everything would be okay, arguing back, holding her, leaving her alone for a while, everything I could think of. Personally, I don't think there really is something I can do to fix it, at least not by myself... Also, thank you very much for taking the time to help. c:
