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My boyfriend kissed another guy...

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Mstg74, Aug 26, 2014.

  1. Mstg74

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    I never thought I'd be posting this subject but, today a friend told me something that changed it all. My BF of 1.5 years, whose birthday is today (what crap) - cheated on me or so I say it's cheating.

    A few months ago he went to the club with one of his good friends, I am not jealous and trusted him (hah, ironic, right?), his friend brought a totally hideous guy who he was going out with. Turns out says his friend (who is my employee) that he saw the two of them kissing in the bathroom by the sink at the club. He says he saw them it didnt last too long and then that was that. They didnt talk about it, they didnt do anything else, they didnt exchange numbers or leave together.

    By BF came home straight after, I was at home, he didn't mention a word to me. Three months later aka now that I found out I confronted him, his explanation was, "I didn't remember", so I took a moment to call BS on that.

    He then says it was a human error and that he was in the bathroom and the other dude came up and kissed him, he says he was tipsy and he just let it roll for a few seconds and that was that. It didn't mean anything and he didn't tell me because he thought I'd break up with him if he told me.

    I obviously sent him packing. I have drank to the point of blacking out in my life and alcohol does not make anybody do anything they don't want. If someone kisses you and you don't want it - you push them away. Also, if he had nothing to hide and was not guilty then why did he not tell me that night nor EVER?

    To me it sounds like he is guilty and thats that. My question is, what would you all do? In my eyes he deserves zero mercy; had he told me maybe. But since he didn't tell me, I have no way to possibly trust what he says; he says it was just an incident and meant nothing but why trust him? Why trust him if he lied for 3 months and didn't tell me?

    Any opinions?
     
  2. Rainbows~Exist

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    Under the circumstances I would've dumped him. Cheating for me is a no go. I mean... if it was 'Just a stupid kiss that didn't mean anything' why didn't he tell you earlier? Three months is a loooonnnggggg time to keep something that small to yourself right? But still... if you have room in your heart to forgive him and you believe in second chances, forgive him. If not, dump his ass.
     
  3. Mstg74

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    I am rational. I don't have room but I could make it. Except that I can't accept his explanation because "Alcohol" doesn't make me do something I don't want to do. Just the same was as a "gun" doesn't kill someone.

    The fact that he did it doesn't really count as a deal breaker; the fact that he didn't tell me is in fact a deal breaker. The fact that he blames alcohol and says it was nothing is just downright pissing me off.

    Just curious if I am the crazy one here who is "over reacting"...
     
  4. Edra

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    I sit on the other side of that idea. I would give him the benefit of the doubt. We as humans are social creatures we feel a tight bound between humans. We were not originally a species who was monogamous that came about in more recent history. “When I say in more recent history I do mean on the scale of human evolution.” So expecting to have an instant reaction that is against human nature, seems unlikely.

    He choose to stay with you, he did not pursue the other person in secret or otherwise. So based only on the story told I believe he just made a human mistake. We all make them, maybe not ones quite as severe but still a mistake. That is how I see it if he did not love you then something more would have come of it. I am not saying that it should be easily forgiven but still forgiven in the end. Remind him how such actions can ruin the relationship.

    P.S. also a side note alcohol slows the reaction times.
     
  5. Mstg74

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    @Edra - I also think like you that humans are not meant to be monogamous. I also don't expect it. But much like monogamy, lying is a learned action.

    As part of a relationship he has the irrevocable responsibility to confess such an incident to me. Assuming it was as he described and not more, it is not something that needs to be kept secret. Bear in mind, he says he did not pursue more, he didn't in the moment, who knows if he noted his number, or saw him again? Nobody really. Only he would know and obviously he is not honest.

    You would give him a second chance taking into account that he totally swept the incident under the rug and proclaims that he was always faithful to me (up until today because I caught him). To me the fact that he hid it proclaims intent for more and not just an isolated incident.
     
  6. Edra

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    I can’t disagree that that last statement. The reasoning you use is more than enough based on what you have posted so far.

    Good counter to the argument btw I will need time to reflect on this statement.
     
  7. Mstg74

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    @Edra - hence why I love this forum and people like you. Reasonable and logical conversations to otherwise convoluted situations.
     
  8. Night Rain

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    What lie?

    Sorry but I have to disagree with you on this one. You can expect your bf to confess every little incident to you, but he doesn't have to if he doesn't find it worth mentioning. Just because it's not something that needs to be kept a secret doesn't mean it needs to be told. One of the most important things in a relationship is trust, and you seem to have none for him. You assume the worst in him ("who knows if he noted his number, or saw him again? Nobody really."). A short random kiss at the club is a far cry from cheating.
    You completely disregard lust. Even if you are committed to someone, you can still feel the physical/sexual attraction to other people. It's the commitment that keeps you away from pursuing the attraction. When you're drunk, your sense of judgement is clouded and your reaction is slowed. Maybe he felt guilty for kissing another guy and just wanted to let it pass? He made a mistake, and you are obviously not the forgiving type, so I can understand why he didn't tell you.

    You are too paranoid and prone to overreacting. Please try to trust your next boyfriend. Sorry if you feel offended. I just feel so bad for the guy.
     
  9. tulipinacup

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    Geez this summed up what I just said about the other thread. He knew well that he was cheating.

    I had a history of "cheating" on my ex-lover and although I was the one who confessed about it, I think your decision is absolutely fair on this one and you have the right to kick him out of your house. He has already forgiven me but I'm afraid that he already gave his word that we aren't going to be together anymore. It hurt but I have to respect his decision because he was the one who was hurt.

    I'm really sorry and I think you deserve someone better.
     
    #9 tulipinacup, Aug 26, 2014
    Last edited: Aug 26, 2014
  10. Mstg74

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    Night Rain - If I did what he did he would have a fit.

    I like to think of it like this,

    Goto your kitchen, pick up a plate
    Throw it on the floor
    Walk up to one of the broken pieces and say i'm sorry
    Wait a few minutes and check if it's whole again...

    Thats how trust works. A lie is a lie by omission, doing something that is considered cheating and not admitting it is by default a lie in my book. If not admitting and not getting caught doesn't make it a lie, then cheating would be way easier.
     
  11. Austin

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    Maybe he did think you'd break up if he told you and so he wanted to keep something that is in his view meaningless a secret from you. Maybe he didn't want to cause a big argument over a mistake he made (just a kiss too not like he pursued it or fucked him).

    I can see it from both sides. I'd be upset too.
     
  12. Blossom85

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    To me, a kiss would be considered cheating in my books as well, and I do agree that not saying anything is the same as lying by omission... However.. I do also agree that you do not know the full story and it could have been simply the other guy was trying to make a move and being drunk and not in control of himself, he didn't have the right judgement of that situation to pull away.. It is why a lot of people who wanna be with someone whom is otherwise attached make their move whilst the person is inebriated cause they can't make the same judgements they would sober.. Your friend left midway through so you don't know the full details.. Your boyfriend might have pushed him off after your friend left.. Also if he didn't remember..

    He could have been too drunk to know what was happening and to drunk to remember.. I mean we have all been in those situations where you have a big night and can't remember what you have done the night before.. You are assuming your boyfriend kissed him back and perhaps wanted it to happen or did nothing to stop it.. Assuming is a deadly game to play in a relationship.. Assuming you know what another's private thoughts and feelings are is something you should not do.. You should not presume to know or assume something..

    It sounds like it your boyfriend could have been an innocent bystander in something he had no control over and by leaving him, you have shown you show no compassion or trust for him.. I can understand the hurt and pain you would feel if you did assume he was cheating on you.. But seriously.. Give the guy a break.. Maybe give him a chance to prove to you it was something that was not meant to occur.. It is not like someone caught him in bed with the guy in the middle of the act...
     
  13. Incognito10

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    People are not perfect and a long term relationship might include scenarios such as this. Bottom line is to either forgive and move on or if you feel this is too major to move on from, you can break things off. I think many people can grow together through these mistakes. It's also important to remember all humans make mistakes and you can view this as an opportunity to have open discussion about what you two value if you feel you want the relationship to continue.
     
  14. Mstg74

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    Yeah we chatted. He says, he didnt do anything to stop it nor support it and he was drunk and just let the moment roll a bit. that is his whole explanation.

    I really am having a hard time forgiving it because I don't understand it. I am a logical person. I can't properly envision somebody letting a kiss go on with someone they have no attraction to only on the basis that they were a little drunk...
     
  15. Rosepetal

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    If he has cheated numerous times I would dump him but if this is one time forgive him
     
  16. Sepina

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    Have you ever thought of putting yourself in his shoes? Yeah he made a mistake but we ALL do, no doubt you have made a few.

    I don't think drinking is a good way of getting over this or whatever, alcohol is never the answer. PERIOD.

    I'm not saying that you throwing him out was wrong but. keep in mind that alcohol makes us do things we end up regretting
     
  17. Mstg74

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    Sugarpills I agree but I don;t tolerate it as an explanation. I have done things outside of relationships due to alcohol but alcohol has only made me do something I already wanted, it does not make me do something that I would not normally want to do.
     
  18. Sepina

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    Do you know the guy he kissed? try and get his side of the story. If the kissing was the intention on both parties. then by all means cut all ties.

    Just please think, aside from your story. please don't drink yourself to oblivion
     
  19. Chiroptera

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    Exactly. I have been REALLY REALLY drunk, and i think i know how alcohol works from experience.

    I wouldn't forgive him. Even if he is sorry, i would always live worrying about him cheating on me, so it's best if you just dump him.
     
  20. ThePrideInside4

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    I think you're right.
    He shouldn't have done it. If I had a boyfriend or girlfriend and they went out and kissed another person and hid it, they don't deserve my trust. He should've at least told you and been truthful.

    ---------- Post added 26th Aug 2014 at 07:44 AM ----------

    I'd get them out of my sight in a heartbeat.