Hello everyone :icon_bigg , The following thoughts have been lingering in my head for the past weeks. I am in a relationship with a great guy named John. We have been going out for over 11 months. John and I are great together, its always just so easy to be happy. My family likes him, especially my siblings. We have many things in common, and life goals......except when it comes to our careers. I am a workaholic, and very driven. I am in college with 3 jobs; yet I still have time to do it all. I work my butt off during the week just so my bf and I can spend all of Sundays together. My boyfriend on the other hand isn't so ambitious and "hard working" as me. He is more mellow. He spent so much time applying for jobs online, but now that he has one, he complains about it. That job doesn't offer him many hrs so i suggested for him to find a new one. He quickly shut down that idea, by saying he wont have time to focus on school. This is coming from the guy that rarely has any homework. it made me mad. I have almost 6 hrs of hw per day yet i manage to go to all 3 jobs. Yes I sometimes don't sleep as much as i should, but i get everything done. So by him saying 20hrs a week would be too much for him, i took that as being lazy. I don't want to have to support him if we decide to live together. I want him to be financially stable one day. I am very mature for my age and very independent. My boyfriend is 1.5 years younger than me. He still is being supported by his parents, and doesn't have many responsibilities. He is such a perfect guy but I don't know if his laziness will continue for the rest of his life or if its just that he is young. He is 20 and I am 22. what should I do?
First of all ... it's not possible to change someone else. Maybe he'll get more ambitious, maybe not, but only he can decide if he wants to do so. Many people don't put too much time and effort into work if they don't have to (which, since his parents are supporting him, appears to be the case) and there's not necessarily anything wrong with that. He simply has other priorities. It doesn't necessarily make him lazy, it's just the way he is. In the end, either you love him enough to accept this difference or you don't, but trying to make him exactly like you is probably going to make both of you very unhappy. As a workaholic, you may even find it beneficial to be with someone who is less driven, because it might help you appreciate other aspects of life. If fact, two workaholics sometimes have difficulty making a life together, because no one wants to take care of the "little" things at home that have nothing to do with work (speaking from experience ). But only you know if you're open to learning to appreciate this difference between you.
I just have been struggling with this. We get a long so great, it's just that I don't know if he would try his hardest when the going gets rough. He complains about the little things a lot. I just don't know if I will be able to count on him being financially stable (I'm not looking for him to give me money, I just don't want to have to always worry if he'll have enough to pay his own bills.). As I think about this more, I'm doubting my relationship. There is a part of me that Loves him so much. He doesn't drink, smoke or any other unhealthy activities. He listens to me and loves me. It's just this one thing that keeps popping into my head.
Not every relationship lasts a lifetime ... it's OK to enjoy having a relationship with someone without always thinking about being with them forever. Most People change a lot between 20 and 30 as they become independent adults, it sounds like you're a bit further down that road than your boyfriend. Whenever I've had doubts in a relationship, it often seemed that there was only one thing that triggered it, but I later realised that there were multiple things that bothered me, and in reality it was just that I fell out of love with the person or never really loved them to begin with. That's one way to know when you really love someone ... that you're willing to accept someone's flaws as well as their strengths.
He's still young (you are too), give him more time to figure out what he really wants to do with his life. If after college, he still doesn't want to work properly then that will be problem. People mature at different pace, you cannot force him to be like you. Has he actually asked you for money ? If not, then I don't really see any problem. So my advice would be, be patient & don't push him too hard. Who knows ? After college, he might have a better job & be more succesful than you are. But anyway, I think it's not healthy in any relationship to keep comparing who's making more money/being more ambitous/getting more success though.
Thanks. After reading the responces, I realized I was trying to change him a bit. I guess during this time I distanced myself a little; I dint text him as much. I think he caught on because now he is being the distant one. I think I can live with how he is now; so change or no change, I will keep trying to make the relationship work. I just don't know how he is feeling now. Due to school, I will have to wait until I see him in person in a couple of days n
I think it's immature to compare yourself to another person and think they should do what you would do. I do this all the time, and it makes me feel like an asshole. You need to consider other people as individuals, and you need to respect their decisions. I wouldn't want to be with someone that was as obsessed with work as you, that seems like they think money and materials are more important than love, friendship and family. The only point to working is to survive ultimately. If you go beyond that and create it as your life person then you are a very sad sad person. All the work you do will not comfort you on your death bed, all the money you make won't, but memories of loved ones will. So if you are willing to throw away someone you love because they aren't as materialistic as you then maybe you don't deserve them. Also how much do you support yourself. I HIGHLY DOUBT AT 22 YOU CAN FINANCIALLY SUPPORT YOURSELF FULLY. I highly doubt that, I almost guarantee that's a lie, especially if you go to school, how could you afford school and living expenses if you are working three jobs(working three jobs to me indicates you aren't a full time worker and you aren't getting paid much). ??? So how do you support yourself. I think you should be concerned about his lack of motivation to go to work, and should try and help him out, but you shouldn't expect him to be the exact replica of you, especially if you love him. Love should trump all other obstacles. I haven't gone to school yet and I am 24(was severely depressed for a while), but I've been working full time since I was 18, I've ONLY HAD ONE FULL WEEK OFF in 6 years, and I make shit pay. I could barely financially support myself so I live with my parents still. I am going to be going to school soon, but your attitude is basically saying that I am useless because I couldn't support myself even though I have been working full time since I was a teenager; again 18 and paying taxes and supporting my countrymen; never took social assistance, for longer than most people who went to school and wasted public funds by doing so. I am not a drain on the system, I am a contributor. I am not a workaholic but I work hard, and I don't like hearing people think those without a lot of money aren't worth their time. Because I am one of the most genuinely nice people you would ever meet, and genuinely care about others; literally everyone. Don't throw your love away over this, but don't let yourself be the financial supporter of him either. I do agree with that, you have every right to want him to be more independent. But I just don't understand how you could afford to support yourself at that age?
This is off topic, but I was able to support myself when I was 19, working full time in an office job. I didn't even need roommates. If you have skills you don't have to work minimum wage. It depends on the cost of living, what you can do without, and your ability to budget.
I agree. I started college at a young age, and have had a full time job since 18. I am now working in the field I will receive my degree in. I know that not everyone is like me, I am not part of the norm. ---------- Post added 29th Aug 2014 at 06:29 PM ---------- Thanks for your replies everyone they did help me with my doubts.
