My dad used to verbal abuse me constantly

Hi there,

I grew up without a dad, my parents divorced when I was 2 years old. Had a step-father between the ages of 9 and 12 who beat and humiliated me, calling me a faggot before I knew what that was. Haven't been lucky in the male role model dept.

I recognize what you are feeling, it's what can only be called father-hunger: hoping, wishing that the person whose genes you carry turns out to be better than he is. Well, he has to be accountable for his actions, and it is obvious that he still does not see his own shadow; still blames others for his own misbehaviour.

I don't know how to get anyone to see their own shadow, but it can be costly to you if you try, and frankly, it's not your task in life to do this, it's his. It may mean he will never redeem himself, or it may happen on his death-bed, who knows?

You have your life now, and it could take a lifetime to know who your dad is, or was. He has done terrible things, there is little you can do to make him see that, but his being ostracized and abandoned appears to be a just consequence of his actions. Your lingering love for him is a credit to you, but never forget what he has done.

 

You described your Father's behaviour as verbal abuse, but the way I read it, it was much deeper and more sinister emotional abuse. Everything he said was prolonged and entirely deliberate with the clear intention of wounding you and destroying feelings. When a parent (who should demonstrate love and care for you) goes so far off the rails, I'd have to seriously question the wisdom of reconnecting - especially when you, yourself described him as "flat evil".

If your Father is to redeem himself he will need to dedicate himself to a lot of self work to address his issues and I don't think he is anywhere near ready for that. When you last called him and challenged his behaviour he refused to take personal responsibility and blamed your Mom instead. What does that tell you?

If you decide to reconnect, make sure you put yourself in a powerful position and only meet him for short periods in a public place, where others are present. Most emotional abusers are charm personified in public, resorting to their true colours behind closed doors. It follows that you should walk if he gets nasty.

Ask yourself... should you be getting in touch with him?

 

If you want to do it. Everyone deserves to know their father regardless of their actions.

Sexually abusing children, and verbally abusing your family isn't a good thing to do, and it is evil basically.

However he is YOUR father, and if you feel you may feel better having him partially in your life, then I would go for it, as long as you are prepared for him to hurt you again.

So do it if you think the positives; knowing your father personally, would outweigh the negatives; finding out more about your fathers troublesome past and receiving more abuse.

 

Yeah, my dad (NOT my father) was into telling me how stupid and worthless I was on a regular basis. Also giving me chores with incomplete instructions so he could have an excuse to do so. When he wasn't doing that he was emotionally abusing my mom and sexually molesting one of my sisters.

He only tried escalating things to a physical level once - and he stupidly did that my senior year in high school, by which time I was quite a lot bigger and stronger than him. My reaction was (unfortunately) fairly mild, but he learned quite decisively to never attempt that kind of thing again. My biggest regret is that I didn't beat him so badly that he would have run away in fear of his life (he was a bully and a coward) and never returned. Would have made various events later on in my life so much simpler.

I did actually go through a period after college when he and I got along OK. But he was much older and living alone at the time. But overall, I had no interest in having him in my life any longer. When he died, I got the call at work and didn't even leave the meeting I was in. And I'm perfectly fine with that.

Unless you really and truly feel there is some hope of reconciliation and that this will somehow improve your life in some fashion, I wouldn't bother with it.

Todd