Feeling hurt but I was the one who hurt him too

So guys, I have a pretty crazy story and I am finally coming to peace with things but I am hurt and was hoping maybe some chat would help.

My BF and I have been going on for 1.5 years, we live together from early on and things were good. I am a paranoid jerk and insecure and as a result I snapped on him and accused him of cheating when he clearly was not. Wasn't even a question of evidence or anything, just me being insane. I broke up with him and told him it was over, we could be friends and I would date new guys. I blocked him from facebook and just kinda left out of our life. We lived together and I threw him out of the house. That really hurt him alot. He always told me it's one thing he couldn't take.

A day or two later I let him stay at the house because I was worried he would hurt himself, the same day I heard from a friend my BF was just with me for money etc. (A friend who wants to be with me -- yeah bad person to listen to). So what do I do? I throw him out of the house again. He was insanely hurt. That night at our shared business he got down on his hands and knees and was literally screaming and crying. He told me to just trust him that he did not do anything, that I was wrong. He was miserable and I was a horrible person and told him I hated him and he cheated on me.

We went our separate ways and I didn't say anything to him. I took off the ring he gave me and left it with him. The next day nothing, in the PM hours he texted me and wrote, "I Love you" and I blocked him from whatsapp (immature I was). The next two days he begged and begged me to see him in person so he could explain things. I told him to get lost and ignored him and I took off and went away.

I came back and we ended up meeting up (accidentally). He just cried and told me he loved me and that it was all okay and was torn up. He told me he had to talk to me. He went to go get food and came back (neither had eaten in days). Once he got back he told me that he slept with another guy three days before when I broke up with him. It was in the morning, it was a guy he met online, they only exchanged false names, age and that was it. He told him to meet up, they met up. He told me everything in detail, they met up, they went to a room, the guy kissed him a bit, it didn't last, the guy sucked him off because he told him to, he tried to suck the guy off but wasn't comfortable. Then he says he put on a condom, got some saliva and tried to penetrate. He said he got maybe half way in and did a few movements and he had no attraction or desire. He got up, cleaned himself, sent the guy out. He says he didn't even walk him to the door, just ended it.

I was torn up. I feel betrayed, cheated on, I told him we were apart but I could never have cheated. I asked him to tell me so many times, I asked him to repeat details. He says he did not ejaculate nor masturbate, nobody got off. It just didn't work, he says he felt disgusted. I didn't believe it so I have asked him a million times and he always tells me the same, today when I asked him he broke down and said he feels disgusted about it and I asked him to swear to me there was nothning more to it. He told me there wasn't. It was what it was and he wouldn't lie to me, the situation was discussed there was no reason to hide details, he was not happy about it and he felt terrible.

I asked him how I could forget it, how I was going to move on from all of it, we both love each other alot and I have learned that I was an immature ****** and did things I had no right too. He also admits he could have handled things better. He is begging me for everything to be okay for us to be okay. I don't feel any less for him, I love him and I feel we can live together and be happy.

I also feel like he has done something to me or taken a part of me that he can never give back. I feel like a stranger because when I lay next to him I have a pain inside me that he can't understand. I may have done wrong but I love him and the idea of him with someone else changes everything. He doesn't act sorry but he does breakdown sometimes, I know he is honest and sorry because he told me about it right away when he saw me face to face.

He asked me to do sleep with someone else. He told me I should find someone on the internet, tell them nothing, do what he did, come home and tell him "we are on the same page" and put the ring he gave me back on and we can both just forget and leave it in the past.

I do not believe causing him the same pain he caused me is fair. I think I have a lot of fault. But I also can't move past it, I can't understand why he did it. I feel like if I did it I would feel the way he felt and the monster would be out of the closet. I feel like not knowing what it was like is what ruins me. I think he feels really guilty and would feel less if I did the same crime and I think I would forgive it if I did it too. We'd both be wrong and technically we'd both be doing it "outside of a relationship" and then we get back together and thats that. Right now we are together, we have been for a few days and it hurts still. He tells me not to my ring on and not to ask for him to be my BF until I try it with someone and I want to.

I just want to know.... how horrible of a person does this make me? Will I be that much of a monster if I try to sleep with someone just to be eye level with him. He asked me to do it as a favor, and I feel like it will bring closure.

I know that sounds absurd but every person is different .... what do you all think?

 

Sinon thanks!

The whole thing though is the first time I accused him it was false. I broke up with him and really gave him no hope. In 4 days time I threw him out of the house twice, accused him of so much, literally let him cry on hands and knees and laugh at him and tell him he is a cheating liar (he wasnt).

After that on the 4th day he did attempt to cheat or did, whatever. However, is it really a cheat? He actually believed the relationship was over. He gave me a ring the first week we dated and I never took it off ever. We agreed the day I took it off it meant I wasn't in love, and like an angry idiot I took it off and left it a day or two before he did what he did.

I am not sure what he did is even cheating, it hurts me he tried to screw someone else but he really thought it was done, he cried afterwards, he called me crying and told me he needed to see me. I think it was truly an unpleasant experience for him and a mistake and I don't think he would have done it had I not told him things were over (I wasn't totally serious but he didn't know).

As far as I know and he swears he never did anything when we were together. He seems sincere and hurt. He asked me to forgive him in a quiet and collected manner and not like a crybaby which sounds legit. He looked me in the eyes and told me never in a million years would it happen when we are together.

Last night when we "fell asleep" , he was on his side of the bed sobbing and crying. He thought I was asleep.

I want to even the score and do the same and then officially get back with him and leave it all behind us. I have learned it's not okay to toy with him and throw him out and hurt him because of my insecurity and that it has consequences.

I am just unsure if what he says is true. He tells me to do it, that it will help. But I feel like if I do it I will hurt him (he says no) but I think he will be hurt and that isn't fair...

 

Dragoness - it was after. He was definitely hurt. i said word for word "We'll be friends, I'll be dating new people and you should to".

I am not sure why not to take him back since I am pretty sure it's not cheating, it wasn't someone he knew, it wasn't a sensual encounter, he is sorry and asks me to forgive him.

As for two wrongs don't make a right - I agree. But I think if I knew he felt the same hurt I feel then I wouldn't feel so much blame and it would make being together alot easier.

I love him too much and even though it sounds like horsecrap in spite of everything, we are humans, we do things that are insane, we are not black and white. We love each other, we really do, and I have no doubt in my mind about that.

 

Yes, that is the truth RainbowGreen. However, it's quite hard to surpass the feelings of resentment that I feel.

 

@Dragoness - I suppose that this is a valid point. I did not take into consideration. I am a bit messed up knowing what he did but I guess there is no explanation for why he did it, he seems sincere in saying he doesnt know and is sickened by the idea that he tried it.

He has no reason to beg for me back after all this if his intentions are not pure. Plus, there is the fact that everyone makes crappy mistakes. I was pretty horrible to send him off and kick him out of the house and accuse him of something he had not done in the first place.

The last 3 days with us have been great. For the first time in a year and a half I actually feel like love is really the imperative word. Hurt is also there but in some sort of sick way it lets me know that what we have is really love because someone I don't care about can't hurt me.

I guess in the end ... we just have to work through it.

 

For what it's worth things have gotten even better. Finally for the first time I feel like communication is important, we both do. We did a candle light dinner last night. A year and a half together and never once did we do any of that.

Also, he told his mom... his mom is very opposed to "gay" and he was terrified to tell her, in fact, he told me never once would he ever tell her.

On Sunday we went to his mom's and he told her. She invited me to dinner. We all ate together. She invited us over next sunday and told him she already knew but her pride didn't let her hear it.

I guess.... thats good.

 

dapulu thanks. I don't wash my hands of guilt to be honest. I learned to value him. The hard way but I learned.