On Death

Hello, I felt like talking about an issue that fortunately is not as common as relationship troubles. I'm doing it with the idea of giving a hand to anyone that is struggling with the harsh reality that nothing lasts forever, not even twinkies...
I thought that the best way to do this would be to explain a real life case, ideally one case I'm familiar with, so here is my case...

After seven years of fighting, loving, discussing, yelling at each other, kissing and being inside his arms, embracing him, having awesome sex, silly laughs, amazing conversations and a few dances, my partner died at 41 from a hear attack, while jogging.

There was no warnings, no signs he was sick, so when the police came with the bad news, I felt shocked. So shocked that I had to phone someone to make sense of what was happening. The feelings of detachement, of being inside a surreal nightmare were almost overwhelming.
Still I spend that day crying at the floor on my own, feeling sorry, so sorry, so sad, I can't find the words to describe it to you: The worst sunday of my life...

The next day, monday, I had to give the news to the relatives. I thought the best way to deal with it was to talk first to the eldest brothers and sisters, and to leave to them the task of telling the parents. They were not only old people, but also one of them had a heart condition, so they had to do it very carefully...

When the relatives arrived, I had to face their grief and their tears. I had barely managed to hold mine when their tears came... I wasn't ready for those tears, and they teared me appart again, reopening the wound and making it bleed... I felt guilty, and drove myself almost mad wondering if I did all I could to prevent it... I felt responsible for him, almost as if I was "in charge of taking care of him"... I still have those feelings about it, and I'm afraid I always will...

Ok, then it came to see him dead. I had never seen a corpse in my life. It is so strange to touch someone's cold skin, when you just have embraced it warm a few days ago... We dressed him up and all... I can't tell you if I recommend the experience to everybody, all I know is that I'd rather seen him than say goodbye to a closed coffin. To touch him for the last time, even if he was dead, was much better than to kiss a memory (you'll have time for that, believe me)... I had the option to see him or not, but I think I chose wisely...
Who said the best decissions are the easiest ones?

Anyways, I've been trying to make some sense of what happened since it happened. I looked for information about how to deal with death, but all the info I found seemed to me useless... They say everyone deals with it differently, depending on who they are, and probably it is true... But I feel there is a universal truth : You need time to digest it. There is no scape from it.

I thought I'd be done with it in 5-6 months top. I started to work again as soon as I could, which I think it saved me. There is nothing worst than to stay at home crying, you just have to go out and do stuff, even if everything you do seems useless... Move, keep moving and go out...

Finally I must tell you what I've learned : To all people that is suicidal, it doesn't matter what you think, it doesn't matter how sure you think you are about it... If you kill yourself, if you die, people is going to be sorry... Even the people you fight with, like your mom or your dad or your silly "friends"... People is going to cry and people is going to suffer, and they won't do it because they are hypocrites, but because they really feel PAIN because you are not there...

He was my partner for a long time, and that means not only "love and roses" but also very hard times fighting, making each other miserable, and the rest... And I'd rather keep fighting with him now, than to look at the empty sofa and not having him there...
He had also spectacular fights and disagreements with other family members, and guess what I saw, heard and felt all this time... The bitter the fights, the bitter the tears... Sometimes appearances can be so deceiving...

Now there is no more chances to tell him how sorry you are for this and that...

Human life is something much more fragile than we think. We take it for granted, same as health, because we have it. Only when we lose it, we notice its value.

The good part of all this is that I'm still alive myself. For a short time I had to struggle with health issues that were (no doubt about it) caused because of what happened. Right now my whole value sistem has changed : What I value the most is life, health and happiness... Happiness for myself and the people I love... I feel very fortunate and thankful everyday that I wake up and I'm still here.

Life is there to enjoy it, to savour it, for good and bad... Truly we have only this one last dance...
A year has passed and I still miss my partner, but at least the pain has softened and I feel like to carry on with my life is worth it... I really want to live on, to fight for my own happiness and the happiness of the ones I care about...

Love conquers all!