Dealing with the aftermath

This thread will be about helping me to cope with being deeply in love with someone who is in love with me also but chooses to live straight when he is not.


Now let me start from the beginning.

I had just moved to a new school during the first month of sixth grade. There was a major issue at the old school that forced the move. At this new school I had one friend that had moved with me for the same reason. We eventually expanded our group to one more. This new addition was named M. He and I became fast friends and did everything together. He was there for me when my parents almost divorced and he helped me cope with four deaths in my family. He and I helped each other through the trials and tribulations of growing up in almost every imaginable way. We have a strong bond that goes much deeper than what normal friends experience. We were the kind of friends that people would say are closer that brothers. When we turned 15, things started to change. I was already well aware of my attraction for men, but not yet accepting it. Apparently, We give off a strong gay vibe because the kids around our school started rumors. Eventually we where questioned by the school and we denied it. That damaged our friendship for many years. He decided to keep some distance from me and I started dating and leaving him out. After four years of being together and one year of engagement, I broke it off with my beard. Once that was over we picked up where we left off. A couple of years later I finally accepted myself and started coming out. I was not sure how he would take the news so I dropped hints for a little while. Somewhere along these lines he became an ordained minister and the associate pastor of an Independent Baptist Church. About a month ago, we were talking about our past and he wanted to know what I meant by my hints. I lead him on a little more and he guessed. His reaction to the news was strange. He started by rattling off all of the old testament for a good two hours and then he stopped. He paused and then told me that was the answer that he was supposed to give because of his position. He then told me that he feared for me because of a bunch of anecdotal evidence that he had heard or was told about lgbt people being cursed. And then with tears in his eyes he came out to me. He said I was the only person that he had ever told. He told me about the incident at school when we were 15 and how that solidified his belief that he was gay. He then asked me if I had ever felt attracted to anyone that we know or was at school and I gave him a generic answer and he did the same to me. I wanted to tell him that I had been in love with him for years but I felt that the moment was wrong. He then told me a story of how he somehow prayed his gayness into submission. He said that he still feels attraction for men, but it does not control him. He said that I should do it too and he also showed me pictures of a girl that he is interested in. He told me that he liked her and that she was fun to be around, but that he was not attracted to her at all. The conversation continued for a few more hours while we talked over things that had been said. Towards the end he told me that he himself would not judge me no matter how I chose to live. He said that we had a special bond that nothing, not even this would break. I questioned him about what that meant for a bit and when the moment was right I poured out my heart. I told him about my feelings towards him and how I had felt that way for years. He went quiet for a few moments and then quietly said "I love you too". We where both silent for what seemed like ages and then started saying our goodbyes for the evening. I told him that even though I love you, I will respect your choice to live your life as you want just as you respect me. We then hugged for the first time in ten years of knowing each other and then parted ways.

We have talked a few times since then and he seems to want to keep things the way they were. I told him that I had no problem with it, but I am dying inside. I love him so much and have now for ten years. Ultimately all I want is for him to be happy whether or not that includes me.

Thank you for reading. Any and all tips, support, and advice are welcome. Just remember to be gentle with me, he was first true love.

 

Thank you for you kind words and support. Other than my little brother I have had no one to discuss this with. I respect him enough to let him live his life as he see fits. I am not going to push the issue with him and I still wish to be his friend if nothing else. He told me that by dating girls he could finally beat his gay desire. I told him that I was ok with that, but that I am going to date other guys. I know that time will eventually heal this in one way or another its just that right now Im alone and upset with no one to talk to in person.