Hey everyone, This post is quite personal as well as long so I apologise in advance... When I was much younger I was quite a shy individual who wouldn't really say much and kept to just a couple of closeish friends but then one day in class at school when I was about 15 I got a sudden jolt of energy and decided to make a funny comment out loud about what the teacher was explaining, the whole room (About 27 people) exploded into laughter and I got an incredible feeling of joy and, well in a way, adrenaline from the experience. From then on I became this funny, witty, unpredictable, crack-pot to everyone at school who demanded me to cheer them up. And that worked for a while, I became super popular at school (Not that popularity had ever mattered to me) and everyone wanted to talk to me, I went from being the shy boy everyone avoided or just looked at sympathetically to being invited to all nighter parties but all of what I've described was just, as the title indicates, a performance. That wasn't really "me". The few times I have met with friends without putting on my plastic, shiny performance they showed little to no interest in me. When I'm in the middle of making others happy through my adopted persona I'm ecstatic and I really enjoy it and it makes me feel amazing but the second I walk away and go back home or whenever I'm on my own I get incredibly sad about what I've turned into. I feel like I'll never be able to be "myself" around anyone because if I am just plain old me they won't want to have anything to do with me and I'll be rejected. Sorry for the melodrama but it just feels like I can only be myself when I'm alone and as nobody knows who I really am I'm completely and utterly alone in the Universe.
Hey BiShoegazer! It's no wonder why you keep doing this. It gives you confidence. People laugh about the things you say, and that makes you feel good - which is perfectly fine. You say people showed little to no interest, when you didn't wear the mask. But how come? I don't know how you met them. If you were this funny and outspoken guy, they are attracted to that part of your personality. So when you decide to be "the true you", they no longer show interest. Nothing strange going on there. The quality they are interested in is not the true you. When you stop performing, you will likely attract those who are really interested in your true personality. :icon_bigg Cheers! (*hug*)
