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Communication - he doesn't ask how I am doing

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by B733, Sep 2, 2014.

  1. B733

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    I'm kind of at a loss at the moment. I'm in a LDR and we have been together for 2 months now.

    When we're together in person, we're amazing. We understand each other, and we both came to the conclusion that we're each person's "one". I feel as though following our last meet, our relationship has evolved from infatuation to love.

    One problem, however, is that when we're away, we're restricted to text message communication only. We can't use the phone in fear of our families listening in and sussing us out. We're both in the closet. That's something that I accept and need, at times. But when it comes to text, I find myself initiating conversation all the time. I'm the one asking how he's been doing and what he's up to. The questions aren't reciprocated to me. It's more of a situation where I ask the question and he would reply. No questions from him.

    We have common interests - a lot, actually. But I find it really difficult to sustain a conversation with him by text because he would often show little interest in it. I don't want to come across overbearing, nor do I want to monopolise his time. But in total, each day, we'd spent less than 10 minutes texting each other. I don't feel appreciated by this... I've spoken with him about it, and the communication has only improved marginally.

    What do I do?
     
  2. dano218

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    i been through this kind of situation before while living in a small town and the only option there was was online dating. I think it is healthy to date online in your situation but you have to also realize that most of these relationships don't end up being long term. I been in some relationships where we would text for months or just weeks and it would be great but after awhile the other person loses interest and you never hear from them again. Being the nice guy I am I always got ditched and it would be me texting them every now and than with no response and after awhile I realized they did not want to talk to me anymore. There can be other many reasons to why he is not responding like a family situation, illness, work, or school studies that keeps him from texting you too. So if I were you and i know this sucks but wait for him to initiating the conservations for awhile. A relationship no matter if it is long distance or in the same area it takes two people to make it work and you deserve the same respect. I hope the best for you.
     
  3. B733

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    Thanks for your reply. I had some initial worries about maintaining a LDR in the long term. But more or less, it's the fact that I intend to move closer to him for work purposes that has made me want to pursue this relationship. Had that not been the case, I wouldn't have entered into it.

    I take your point about waiting for him to initiate contact. As much as I don't like playing these sorts of games, I feel as thought I have limited choice left.

    Recently, I was in hospital for a period of time with a life-threatening condition. I told him about it and he texted me constantly checking up on me. We even phoned each other once and over the line, he was sobbing and told me that he was scared of losing me.

    Now that I'm okay again, I feel as though he doesn't really bother to communicate with me. I find this to be a real shame...
     
  4. dano218

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    Ok I understand your situation better now. I agree that it is shame that he acted like he really cared for you and all the sudden he distances himself from you. I would wait out and maybe when you move and tell him about it you will get a clearer picture of what is going on. I hope no matter what you moving closer to him for a job will be worth it for you.
     
  5. dapulu

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    There are people that just don't text much.

    Take a step back and give him the same treatment. Maybe he's used to you being the one who initiates the texts.

    Best luck. Keep us updated.
     
  6. shinji

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    It can quickly become cumbersome to always have to reply over text, at a point it simply becomes a chore and not something you would look forward to. YOU MUST AVOID THIS BY ALL MEANS!

    Had a friend once, we used to email each other several times a week... then gradually we both became tired of it and there came a point where we both just stopped...

    Find a way to communicate with him in a more direct manner, Skype or phone. If you are worried about being spied upon then simply converse like two regular friends and keep the kinky stuff for when in person. Don't try to force him to talk to you, from time to time, allow him to take a breather so that he can start missing you. (eg - don't message him for 2-3 days with the pre-text that you had work or something).

    If you feel that he is starting to lose interest (use advice with caution), you can "mention" in your texts that you have work with some "imaginary" other guy. Like out of school activities or something, no idea what you're into. This will re-ignite the spark... if lost.

    In conclusion... there is such a thing as too much texting.
     
  7. mangotree

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    Warning: This probably isn't what you want to read. It's just my opinion though.

    My best friend has just been through a very similar situation with his bf and text messaging.
    The only difference is that his bf only lives about half an hour away, they've been together for about 4 months and they're both out of the closet.

    My friend tried giving the guy space and tried communicating his concerns about the relationship, but nothing changed.
    Last weekend, when they saw each other for the first time in 2 weeks - the bf was just as emotionally cold and distant when they were together physically.
    My friend basically (unfortunately) now has to initiate the breaking-up of the relationship because his bf doesn't seem to have the balls to do it. It's all going to happen this weekend.

    Your relationship has probably got a lot of different parameters when compared to my friend's, but I have to say - from a neutral party looking in - it's not looking good.
    It might last a little longer the way it's going, but it really looks like you're in the relationship / in love a lot more than he is.

    Your bf seems like he is in denial of the fact that the spark is gone for him. He's trying to make it work when you're together and he likes the heck out of you, but he just can't help the way he feels. He probably feels stupid or dysfunctional that he has something so great (a relationship with you) but his emotions and body don't naturally act the way that he wants them to. He probably acts the way he does when you're together because he really does care about you and he doesn't want to hurt you.
     
  8. B733

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    I'm sitting back and am trying to compare the situation before we started dating and the present circumstance. When we started talking, I must say, his texting was also sporadic and lacked consistency. If anything, he probably texts a lot more now than he did back then. But his texts are nonetheless sporadic and inconsistent.

    When we first started talking, he would ask how I was going probably once every blue moon. When I was in hospital, he asked everyday. Now, it's non-existent. He'd start a conversation by sending an image of what he's doing or what he's interested in, and the conversation would flow from that.

    When we are together, we're great. We slept together for the first time recently. We did certain things in bed. But what I did find peculiar was that when it came to climaxing, he said that he didn't want to because he felt that we were going too fast. He also said that the next time, it'll be fine. Obviously, I respected his wishes. But that was certainly a first for me.

    ---------- Post added 4th Sep 2014 at 10:34 AM ----------

    The last time we met, when we parted ways and he headed back home, he sent a text message with the word "thanks xx".

    I asked what he had to thank me for and his response was "just for being you".