Lord where do I begin. I will try to give as much detail without writing a book, in hopes of gaining a better understanding or possibly insight to what I thought I understood about my husband claim to be bisexual. I am the wife of a bisexual man. We've been married for 14 yrs next month. I found out by mistake nearly three yrs ago when he left a tab open on my laptop replying to a CL ad. The yr prior I had accused him of cheating because he was showing all the signs. EX: ~ Cologne only on certain days- when he claimed he hated cologne or body spray. ~ Leaving the house to take a drive (totally out of character) ~ Claim to go to the movies but arriving back home in 2/2.5 hrs- not enough time to drive there see the movie and get back home. ~ Finding a picture of himself sent to a neutral named genders email address. ~ Asking me to take a picture of him "cause work needed it". ~ Keeping his phone close by and passcode protecting it, not allowing me the use of his phone when I forgot mine. ~ No sex for a yr. and years before that we had gone through 8-10 mo dry spells as well. ~ Went out with old coworkers for drinks.. I sent him a soapy shower pic asking when he'd be home.. he said he'd pay his tab asap and be home shortly (10:30ish) he came home at 1:30.. his clothes reeked of must and his underwear had semen stains in them. ~ He was extremely moody and very very short with myself and the kids. ~Became beyond defensive and angry when I asked if he had been cheating on me. He swore on his father's grave he hadn't. Now being the homophobe that he is, I never thought he was cheating with another man..never crossed my mind. Ya know what,- this is definitely going to be a book, so settle in and grab a drink.:icon_wink Jan 2012 When I saw the reply on CL I didn't understand the terminology "top" "serve" "bottom". Yes, at that point in time I had lead a very vanilla life, so I googled the terms. I was frozen and numb because here was a man that was so against same sex "activities and relationships" yet he was participating, and two, he had been cheating on me for what I thought was a year. (Later I find out it had been six yrs) I called him and spoke softly, lovingly, with understanding and compassion. That night when he came home I attacked him- as in jumped him kissing and making out.. In my mind I thought it was my fault- I sent him into a mans arms. He allowed me to believe that too- For months on end we talked every night well unto the wee hrs of the morning and having sex -some nights were great others he couldn't keep it up. He told me he had been with maybe 5 people and only bj's. After a few months we decided to have an open marriage. Only worked for him, as ever time I wanted to meet someone he puled the divorce card. We did meet 2 different couples, both times disastrous. We also met 2 other bi men and that seemed to go ok.. but I wasn't in to it because I couldn't let go and be myself due to the jealousy from the other two couple. Lots of holes to fill in here, but I can write details later. Fast forward to now. Sept 2014 Over the last three years I have been told so many lies that come to light either weeks or months down the road because he talks over himself. EX: He claims he is bisexual, and let me tell you this took forever for me to get him to the point of admitting anything!! Yet he only seeks out men, only claims to want to have sex with me after he noticed people making comments on how nice I look. He has a boat load of gay/bi (gay) apps on his phone.. He always said he hated being intimate with men, it's only ever about the sex. (Yes within the last 3 yrs he it came out that he has sex and a lot with men not just getting a bj) He doesn't like to kiss, or do anything other then drop his pants and thats that. I don't ask for details this has come out after lots of talking- usually when he thinks I'm going to be with someone. He thinks if he talks then I have to about my night. There's a lot to that too- lots of holes to fill in, I can get back to that to make sense of it all and how we got to that point. Most recently and this is where I am in the gray with all this; I found that he goes to dinner with this gay man he sees, takes showers with him, watches movies or goes to one, loves kissing, adds in a third with another man he sees, and read by accident that this man told him he was by far the best lover he had ever had. My husband always says it's never emotional.. well buddy, sounds like that's getting emotionally involved to me...?? Lately, he has become distant and disengaged at home again, not aware of daily life and chores anymore, more moody and agitated. Could he be transitioning and not want to admit it? It sure seems that way to me. He's adamant about staying together, but my guess is I'm his beard. We are best friends.. well were.. he has done a LOT of damage these past 3 years..but we've also been through a hell of a lot together throughout our 14 years. I care about him, he cares about me..although lately he is not acting like it. And our younger children are oblivious to any of this. They see the white picket fence All American family that goes on trips together, days on the lake, or amusement parks. Basically after the mind games he played with me I swear I would have walked if it weren't for the kids. I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR, "The kids will adjust" " Many kids are from divorced parents".. yea, I know, I was one of them, and don't want them to go through the hell I did, nor suffer financially with a single mom trying to make ends meet. Note: If I bring up to him that I notice he's changing esp after he has started to open up to me and tell me when he's going to see someone and some of the events of the evening, he will totally say ." SEE this is why I don't talk- you assume and throw it in my face!!!" I'm going to say this right now, I have NEVER assumed.. I've asked and when shut out I have researched my ass off looking for answers.. I've told my story (not as of late) to my friend in HS that is gay, I've written to a man that blogs in CA that had a similar situation.. I've been in support groups and I've spoke to a therapist. I'm told that my husband sounds as if he is struggling with being honest with himself and lots of other great advice. I guess I'm looking for feed back in that am I not fully understanding what bisexuality is? Cause to me.. it means you can be attracted to both and have relations with both. But when you're already a married man and you're doing these things- it seems a little off to me.
I cannot speak for your hubby as to why he is the way he is. I am married, about same time as you, and I consider myself to be bi. I am not proud to say that I have had sexual relations with other men, unknown to my wife. I enjoy all aspects of sex with both men and women. It is hard to describe why, other than to say I have this great urge to be with men too. I have never sought out counselling, so maybe there is deep rooted reason why I take the risks and do this behind my wife's back. Also I am sexually submissive by nature and I think that drives me too. Hope this provides a little insight.
I'm sorry to hear about what has happened to you. I wish I could help but I don't really know what to say, to me it sounds like he might be more gay than bi. There's a section of this forum, LGBT in Later Life, that you should repost this thread in. Just copy and paste it there. There are tons of men and woman who are either married, or have been married, and who came out during it that post in that section. A lot of them might not see this thread here, so I think if you repost it there you'll get the best advice.
Honestly, it sounds like he's a lot closer to gay than bi. Many gay people, as they are coming to terms with accepting themselves, adopt the "bi" label because it's a bridge of sorts... When we begin to process any loss, in his case, loss of straight identity, there are stages... Denial, anger, bargaining, grief, acceptance. It sounds like he could be stuck in the 'bargaining' phase. In any case, I hate to say it, but it seems very unlikely you are going to 'win him back'. It sound like he's been cheating and hooking up for a good while, and isn't interested in being truly authentic with you. So it may be time to start thinking about what to do next. I know that isn't what you want to hear, but it may be the best choice.
He is clearly going through something, and has more than enough "support" in dealing with it. But what about you? Whose taking part of that weight off your shoulders? Whose "loving" you? We can talk about his mental process all day but that doesn't help you any. You have to emotionally disconnect from him if you want this to end decently. As unfair as it is, you have to pick-up the slack when it comes to his disengagement at home. As for divorce/being a single parent, you can make other arrangements. He clearly still wants you around because he wants to keep up appearances or he still values the friendship. Overall, it's time to stop analyzing his moves and get some power in the situation using the leverage you have. You clearly have the capability seeing how adept you were at following his trail. :eusa_clap You should keep in mind that he WILL say whatever he feels he has to out of fear, anxiety, deceit, etc. Best of Luck. (*hug*) P.S I'm sure I came on strong so I do apologize for that. But I only did so because I grew up in a situation like this and my Mother's fatal flaw was trusting a Man who had no idea where he wanted to be. Please dont do make that mistake. :eusa_naug
Yeah... I wish I had some great advice to you, but I don't. He does sound more gay than bi. However, he might be bi... bisexuality isn't always 50-50 attraction (idk how many times I have said this) He may just be more attracted to men than women. And for your question about bisexuality, it just means you have attraction to both men and women but you do not have to be equally attracted to both; and it does NOT mean that you have relationships with men and women both; you can have both; you can have an open or polly relationship, but bi people can and many are monogamous. You can commit to one person and be bi. It's just you still have attractions for different genders of people. I have never cheated and have never been cheated on bi a bi man or bi woman. Even though my current relationship is somewhat open, I never go behind my partner's back. And most of my relationships have been monogamous, and I was content with that. I have been cheated on by straight men. It doesn't matter if you are bi, gay, or straight, if you are a cheater, then you are a cheater regardless of orientation. I always say once a cheater, always a cheater. If I get burnt, that is it. But I'm not in your situation either; I don't have kids. I am sure that makes it harder. But I would say make sure you take care of you. Stop bending over backwards for this man who is treating you unfairly. Give each other space. If he continues to say that he is bi, or if he comes out gay, either way he has not respected you even after he came out as bi. Try couple's counceling. But he is gonna have to figgure his life out; and you are gonna have to figgure out what you can and can not put up with. I hope things get better for you, sweetheart.
I'm going to be blunt.... "He's adamant about staying together, but my guess is I'm his beard." Yup. "And our younger children are oblivious to any of this. They see the white picket fence All American family that goes on trips together, days on the lake, or amusement parks." You know what, they probably aren't as oblivious as you think. Kids pick up on awkwardness, anxiety, shame, dysfunctional parental relationships, elephants in the room etc. Even at a young age, they sense that things aren't right - and tragically, often end up blaming themselves, even if they're too young to understand the reasons. As a parent and a mother, you are the model of morality for your kids. What type of adults do you want them to grow into? Do you want them to get taken advantage of? Do you want them to sleepwalk into a relationship and end up as *beard* to cover someone else who doesn't love them? Be the adult you want your children to grow into. Show them how to make those hard choices. "Basically after the mind games he played with me I swear I would have walked if it weren't for the kids." I understand it's very easy for me to say this, anonymously, on the internet, from a different continent - but I think you should walk it FOR the kids. "I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR, "The kids will adjust" " Many kids are from divorced parents".. yea, I know, I was one of them, and don't want them to go through the hell I did, nor suffer financially with a single mom trying to make ends meet." I get you. Sounds like you learnt some hard lessons growing up. Credit to you for sticking to your guns here, but what is the bigger principle that you're teaching them? You're not only sacrificing yourself, but sacrificing your kids too. They won't get their childhood back. You need to think long and hard about whether an unhappy, dysfunctional, dishonest and unstable (but financially secure) marriage is a better environment for your kids than having two happy, stable, honest/authentic, single parents, actively involved in their childrens lives. If he is a good dad now, then there's no reason to think he won't be a good dad, even if you don't remain married. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, you have my immense sympathy here. Your husband has walked all over you, in a way that happens time and time again with gay guys in the closet. I'd strongly recommend you stick around EC and talk to some of the guys who have been in your husbands shoes. All the best.
I was going to write a really long reply, but then I saw uniqueusername3's post that sums it up. Please, please, please, be the example to your kids. They will see you for who you are and eventually they will understand. Lots and lots of hugs (&&&)(&&&)
The harsh reality is that he has betrayed your trust time and time again. You need to end the relationship for the same of your children who will be better of with two parents who are honest with themselves and separate. I know it is scary, but you may have a better relationship with him once you are both free
Cheating is cheating. He has destroyed your trust and communication. How would he feel if he found other men's numbers and Apps on your phone.
