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Help! Question about friends.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by drewf91, Sep 2, 2014.

  1. drewf91

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 16, 2013
    Messages:
    29
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    Location:
    North East U.S
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Sorry if i don't write the best, just was at the hospital and the doctors, decided to add ativan to this shot.... which is an anxiety med, i don't need, and anyway, this has me a little slow of the mind atm.

    I've gone through the standard love your best friend thing. I had never researched being gay, just came into accepting myself throughout this friendship. So yeah the stuff happened, i went from not really attracted to him, becoming friends, eventually realizing that he is very affectionate towards me (my sense is that unlike one time being forced really to sleep in a bed togther, which isn't really affectionate we were drunk, the I loves you that guys say to each other and some other stupid stuff, he's def straight, i mean there's never been anything that realisticly, aside from a letter he wrote me once when i was in rehab (that said 'i know this sounds gay') which should have been a red flag... would a gay guy risk saying that? If he's already opening him self to vulnerability, why add that Q... anyway, the letters where very loving. The problem really is that he has had bad friends, people who are dicks to him, some that want him becausee when we were in high school we could party there... I think he's never had a REAL friend...

    This is all over. I had these epiphanies and wanted to change, i began to view my career, began to really ask what i wanted. Started reading a lot investing time in research in the rest jof the world, doing stuff regular adults do. (I was 19, so i personally feel i was lucky), but every time i tried to talk to him about it and help him get out of the ruts, (I FEEL) he was pulln back by the atmosphere we live in (a lot of this ghetto attitude in peoplle, when we live in a rural area of NJ), and just the stuff that comes along, like it was wierd to talk about feelings. My point is just that basicly, he found someone he wanted a real relationship with. A friend, in the adult form. Wow that sounds sexual... I mean he wanted not the high school buddy buddy things, that can be great, but the idea of two adults, mature, and understanding, being able to talk to each other, being able to really be friends (i really wanna add that i still think he's being pulled by that habit)

    I am really sorry I meant to try and flash text this but it's large i love anyone who bears with me. Love the rest of ya too :slight_smile: I TOLD HIM I LIKED HIM MORE THAN A FRIEND, THAT I GUESS IM BI, (i'm gay), he (said omg, are u serious? Ditto, we'll be lovers now) oh wait this is reallity not what 2 years of building a relation ship, with this in mind had caused me to think. He was FINE with it, but stuff got awkward, and i was really rude about his using, and how i could help him if he did certain stuff (AA, or start seeing someone). Eventually i remember he got mad once and said this is all cuz you told me that thing. We never again spoke of it. He's super shy...

    Funny thing is I always got so socially anxcious like debilitating, thinking that omg i'm too shy, what do i say, im not saying anything, now he thinks im wierd, omg he knows im gay, wait omg hes gay too. Social Phobia sucked with him, but most of the time we had the times of our lives, again typical story. I told him and especially just me and him, it got hard to talk. Cuz I'm shy, hes shy so i had to fidn something to say, and once i did, i'd get that social anxiety sayying that was stupid why'd you say that

    The Actual Question explained.
    I've been in recovery for 2 years, I have a job, going to school 3.86 G.P.A, i'm 21, so i do still have the occasional beer. I just want to express that I have actually got my life on track before I get to the question. He's been screwing up over and over, he recently got arrested, and went to jail, but before he had been texting, and facebooking me, asking me things about video games (i only play NHL14 cuz i'm a huge hockey fan), he said he didn't really know hockey, but he'd get it to play. He had a couple of instances he was showing he was trying to find something to do with me or to engage me in anyway besides just texting. (A.K.A As i found out later by a friend, he was struggling, really struggling he wanted a friend, he needed one... I mean he's proved that that affection doesn't really matter to him, and the much that does matter, he works hard to put it aside. I'm going to just zip to it.

    My delemma., is that I've gotten over him, I don't wanna die because i love him so much, i spent 4 years pretending to be boyfriends (subconciously, I even felt pride being seen just the two of us, like look at my cute boyfriend!), I still think very fondly of him, im sure i'd still find him attractive it's been less than a year since we had to stop hanging out (rather i just stopped calling him, and reduced texting, and he realized i didnt want to even try to hang out, although we got nasty at each other, only dif is im not going through an addiction run right now i'm in the wrong).
    I feel happy again, sad and alone in a sense that i can't find sex, or a boyfriend, or get out of the status of having no experience, but im going on in life, i occasionally dream about him, but where they used to destroy me, I wake up i agknowledge the pleasant feeling and walk on.
    So yes he was texting me and showed a desire for real friendship said "i'm sick of that everyone just wants to hang out for drugs. eveyroen heres all about drugs or money or partying"
    He wanted to hang out the last day before he left for rehab this time, and i felt wierd in a new way, almost like i didn't even want to, like if some 12 year old had asked. It was a hard feeling, because i never expected i might come to realize that as that affection for him changes, ill lose interest in him as a friend. Or is this just my damn anxiety about the awkwardness? I just don't know

    Question:
    I owe him something. I placed expectations upon him that only should be put on a lover, and it collapsed our friendship. I have just three questions. If i decide never to see him again, or talk to him, aren't I giving up on someone I helped break (he was already an addict but i introduced him to the bad one in this story.), DO you guys think that If i put effort into this, and I psychologically focus on the friendship bond, and remember reciprocity. Friend action for a friend action, that I will be able to be friends, (BUT THE REASON I ASK IS) Because if we become friends i want to help him get away from the people that he shouldn't be around, not just drugs, but people with bad life attitudes (these are all my ex friends too, and maybe one day, but he needs to be around people who sounds like normal adults, or abnormal adults!, just not party party drugs drugs i dont care about school or work welfare welfare) If I can overcome the BS and befriend him my only wish is that somehow by just introducing him to different people, and getting him a job... and helping him get used to situations (because when your shy/anxious, its best to get used to thems o that that anxiety fades

    IM SCREWING THIS POST UP

    I love the kid, as a friend, i know despite the love i felt for him, that probably lingers deep deep down, ready to be tamed by all the work I've done. Regardless, I feel guilty, bad for him, [I picture him sitting alone getting shut down by me, the best friend of 3 years, who confided in him that was a fag for you, and you could have done anything, but casually told him that you didn't care, that that didn't bother you, and that he shouldn't be upset. Now, after all we've been through him HIM saying we an't be friends] I can't take that idea. I really can't. I don't have a lot of friends any more, i have a great network of people, but I don't right now, have any form of a best friend. I hope I'm not rushing back towards that idea, I hope I'm not reading him wrong (mind you i've accepted he's straight, and that that is that it will NOT change, although sometimes you when i hear about straight guys who are down to experiment... i get an itch but anyway.

    I thank everyone who read this, i really do. I'm sorry its so long and structured. He's gonna be home soon, and i just really want some other peoples perspectives and similar happenings.