Hey guys, I am in a very complicated and difficult situation at the moment. Long story short, I had an argument with what I thought was my best friend, someone I've known for around 14 years. And we haven't talked in a month. He'd been back from uni for a just over a week. The week he came back, all seemed fine and happy, I asked if he wanted to hang out, he couldn't when I said but we made plans for a different day. I was actually quite surprised I got anything more than, "I'm busy that day" Anyway. After that day, he started ignoring me and when we went out with our other friends he barely talked to me. The end of the week came along, and I could sense something was up, so I asked if there was anything wrong. I was ignored again. Being quiet pissed off at this, I called him out on it saying it was rude. He replied finally two hours later with what was effectively "you're annoying, piss off". I was quite annoyed at this so I made that clear and pointed out that he never puts any effort into anything and it's always me, so that I wouldn't bother anymore. Fast forward a month and I have been speaking to one of our mutual friends about it. He supposedly wants to talk about it, but refuses to do so without someone else there. We had a similar problem once before and I agreed to it, obviously it didn't work very well. This is where it gets complicated, I am gay, and at one point I had feelings for him, probably still do, but I've realised it will never happen so I don't think about it and have learned to move on. He knows about both of these, and has seemed fine with it. Even came to visit me at uni and slept in the same bed despite knowing this. He is also the only one of my friends at home who know about me. The major problem I have is, I'm going to want to bring this up because I know it has something to do with the whole thing, but I don't want to do that because I'm not ready to tell everyone else. I already feel like an outcast in the group and like I'm only talked to when it suits them. And I feel like the only reason he insists on having someone there is because he knows they will be on his side and it will be easier to shift any and all blame onto me, and take no responsibility for it at all! I feel backed into a corner. I won't be able to freely talk about everything unless it's just the two of us. I feel like I'm either gonna have to lie or be forced to tell the truth and come out to someone who I'm not not ready to right now. I don't know what to do. This was more of a rant than anything, but if anyone has any thoughts they would be appreciated.
If he wants to talk about what happened I don't see the need for a third party to be present. The purpose of talking should be to iron out the differences between the two of you, not to make things worse by apportioning blame. If the objective of meeting up is for him to argue, blame or out you in the presence of another person, nothing will be achieved - only deeper frustration and hurt.
You never know, this might have nothing to do with you. If he knew you liked him and he was comfortable enough to be alone with you and share a bed with you and nothing happened then hes fine. He could be failing at Uni himself, be having disagreements with family or perhaps a girl has been messing him about and turned him down you never know. Its easy for us to take it personally and assume the issue is with us, but you may find it isn't. He could be internalizing something. Tell him your his friend and he can talk to you and leave it at that. I've been there and I know how much it can suck.
Not long after posting my original message he contacted me. He chose to talk over fb message rather than in person which I'm a little disappointed at. What I feared would happen in the presence of a third party happened anyway. He refused to accept any blame and placed it all solely on me. As it turns out he was having some problems at uni, and decided he isn't going back because he doesn't like his course enough. He didn't tell me that though, our friend did. But apparently that had nothing to do with it. He said that even after our last incident I hadn't taken on board a thing Which was a completely unfair observation. I had done and changed my approach as much as I seemed was necessary, but obviously that wasn't enough for his liking. He said that it stemmed from earlier in the year and that I asked him to do stuff too much etc When I pointed out that yes, while I asked him if he wanted to hang out etc since then, he did not have to agree, and that at any time he could have said no, and that if he had a problem with it then then he should have said so and not just left it. After which he decided to give up, that it wasn't worth trying to sort it out and it's better if we don't see or talk again. This is a problem because now to achieve that one of us will have to be excluded when we do stuff with our other friends because we are both in the same "group". That's toning to be quite awkward.
Did he say why it wasn't worth it to sort it out, and why it's better if you don't see or talk again? Maybe there was a misunderstanding somewhere along the line. You should talk to him about it.
I tried All he said was "you have your view and I have mine" Which was effectively that he was all innocent and I was completely in the wrong. Whereas I was willing to accept criticism, to listen to his side, knew where I went wrong and that he should be aware of his part in it He refused to accept any responsibility. I still can't fathom why if he had a problem with me asking him to hang out and stuff, why did he carry on to agree to it for so long after he said the problem started.
To be honest, its his problem now, not yours. Don't try and contact him anymore just leave it (It may hurt but its best in the long run). Go to social events with the rest of the group, stand your ground. If he doesn't like it, then he can leave. Sorry man but it sounds like you've been hurt enough already you need to stand up for yourself in that respect. PM me if you want to talk about it further.
A couple of thoughts, Jks... As far as him wanting to have a third party present when you talk, that's a really tactless move. Wanting a third party present implies that either he thinks you'll try to do something (what, exactly, is unclear), or he's afraid of you twisting the situation to your friends, and he wants someone to be able to back him up. Either way, not classy on his part. Nor is then having the conversation over FB. It's passive aggressive, and really minimizes your lengthy friendship. In my opinion, it maybe isn't worth pursuing further, unless he brings it up and wants to reconcile. There's certainly no point in you pushing the matter with him. I've been going through a broadly similar situation, and can tell you that scrambling to hold on just makes it harder on you. Also keep in mind, you're only 20, and this is a childhood friend. Sometimes childhood friends grow apart - you're constantly changing, and aren't the same people as when you were 6! You're in university, and are going to make lots of friends outside of the group that you grew up with, hopefully. I really, really get how hard this must be on you... Feel free to PM or respond on here if you want to discuss further
