So I have this friend online who I've known for about a year but only the last 6 - 7 months have become very close with. She's a pretty shy and reserved person and doesn't open up to a lot of people. I don't think she has many offline friends where she lives, like I don't either. So that has kind of bonded us and helped us get closer as friends. Here's the thing. She says she is straight and not attracted to women and I am bi which she knows. Over the last months as we've gotten closer and more comfortable talking to each other and sharing I have started to develop feelings for her more than just friends. We would joke about getting married (which really was just a joke at the time) and traveling here and this and that but somewhere along the line I just realized she was kind of taking over my heart. We started talking on the phone a couple months ago and almost every day we speak, even if its only for a few minutes. I have said some things to her to try to express how I felt like I told her my thoughts of her were so big I thought she was taking over my heart and stuff like how she is the first thought I have in the morning and the last at night. When I say those things sometimes she will say that she feels the same way and how I'm her first and last thought too or she'll send little "heart/lovey" stickers. I tell her I think she is beautiful. She tells me nearly every day she misses me. Recently on 2 seperate days she sent me pics of herself in her bikinis laying out. Not like a fun "I'm just relaxing tanning" pic but more like a here is my body pic. She sent me one saying here is my broad back but mostly the picture was of her butt. I was caught off guard by the pics because she is an extremely beautiful girl but she doesn't like taking pictures and I just found it shocking she would send me those kinds of pics. Not something I would send to just a friend, or a BFF as she likes to say. But maybe that is just me. Once at work she told me about a male co worker who was hitting on her and I could tell she found him attractive but later that night she got drunk and called me while I was sleeping and left messages saying she loves me and wasn't doing anything with him or going to talk to him and that she didn't want me to "break up" with her. She has told me she wants to live with me and we have talked so much about how we'd like to get a cabin somewhere peaceful and she says how perfect that would be. And how she wants to travel to all these places with me. She says she would love to come home from work to me and talk and laugh and share a drink and just relax. She will tell me how it was good to hear my voice after we speak on the phone. Like the other day I hadn't spoken to her much during the day and she was leaving for work and she called me and I was upset about some other things I'm dealing with and she messaged me later saying that even tho I sounded upset it was so good to hear my voice as she had a bad evening at work. She has said things to me like she never wants me to leave her and I'm her favorite person in the world. I have tried to let her know numerous times that I was having feelings for her and I said I am sorry if it makes you uncomfortable and she will just be like no silly and how I can express myself to her. The other day I told her you know I care about you as more than friends right? and that I don't mean she has to feel the same way and that I was sorry and I really didn't mean for it to happen and she said what are you sorry about silly, it's ok you can talk to me. I felt kind of tense and upset after that and the next couple of days I felt very ashamed and embarrassed about what I had said. She was saying how she was sad about everything and how I am her best friend but that she was feeling down and she doesn't want me to leave her ever because I am her person. Then she said she cares a lot about me and she wish she liked girls. She said she wished she could see me the same but that she almost does but as her BFF. I was really upset the next couple days and very down and confused. She keeps saying everything is fine and we are fine and she still feels the same way so nothing is ruined. She said it breaks her heart that I am upset and crying and she is the cause. I started to distance myself and not talk to her as much becaus honestly it was very painful to keep acting like everything was fine and dandy. I did not understand why she had said the things she did to me or acted how she did etc and honestly I would have never said things to her if she hadn't done or said those thing because I am very reserved with my feelings. Because I was not talking to her as much she asked me why I was being odd and said I was acting cold towards her. I told her I care about her and I wasn't being cold, but it's hard to continue to act like we were and talk about making plans and doing this and stuff like that after everything. I feel very confused about her. Also another thing is she is supposed to be coming to visit me in October. Another friend is coming at the same time so I wouldn't be alone with her but I'm nervous about how that will go. She is not from the US so maybe some of the way she has acted is a difference in culture (her english is perfect tho) but I just don't understand why she would say some of those things and act that way if she really just felt as friends. It makes me confused. :icon_sad:
This is very confusing indeed. I'm from Europe in case she also happens to be from here, and to me that sounds like she's in love with you but not ready to come out to herself. Your story kind of broke my heart reading it. I also obviously don't want to get your hopes up, and I don't know the whole story either, but it felt painfully obvious that you two are deeply in love. I really hope things work out between the two of you! (*hug*) Edit: I want to add that I gave my location for cultural reference, since you were wondering if it's a cultural thing.
Maybe she is confused, or maybe not. I think you've been very patient with her and honest about what you would like. Maybe she has a lot of pressure to be seen as straight, or maybe she's also bi and thinks she should be exclusively attracted to women, or maybe she's more romantically than physically in love with you (though, it doesn't explain the pics she sent). Whatever the case, her visit should make it more obvious how far she's willing to go. In the end, the labels are less important than the actions. You should just try to keep being up front with her, and yourself, about not wanting things to be misleading. Her words when she was drunk suggests she was really caring about you.
Thank you both for replying. She is actually from Panama and also I know in her job she has told me she sometimes gets a lot of crap for being female. People know she has an ex boyfriend who works in her industry but she feels they look at her strange for not having someone now or sleeping around etc (She is a pilot for an airline company.) She is just not a very social or outgoing person (neither am I) and keeps to herself for the most part. It just confuses me because of the way she behaves towards me is not a way I would act to someone I didn't have feelings for. I have another friend I talk to on a daily basis and she and I do not send "I miss you" messages daily or bikini pics or talk about how good it was to hear each others voice. That would feel very odd if we did. lol She always sends me her flight schedules so I'll know where she is and messages me before she flies and when she lands. Recently we found out that her airline will be doing direct flights to my city here in the US starting in december. She saw a billboard for it at her airport and told me and said when she saw it she knew it was fate. She was very excited about that. When everything happened the other day with me telling her I cared more than just in a friend way and I started to back off, not messaging as much and not being as available or chatty with her is when she said I was being odd and cold. It's like she wants me to still continue to say sweet things to her and show care and if I don't it seems to hurt her or she gets sad. We had talked about me going to visit her in Panama next year too and she was asking earlier when did I want to come so she could put in for her vacation during that time. That night she called me drunk and left the messages she was like saying how she loves me and was like omg I'm gay, I love you. Then said the stuff about how she wasn't going to talk to that guy and she didn't want me to break up with her and stuff. I don't know. I just don't know what to think a lot of the time because I don't want to read too much into stuff but a lot of things are just really hard to figure out.
Maybe she's worried about what people will think if she not only doesn't have a boyfriend, but has a girlfriend instead! LGBT+ rights in Panama aren't what they are here in Europe or in the US. Same-sex relationships only recently (under 10 years ago) became legal in Panama and discrimination is pretty widespread. Wikipedia says same-sex sexual activity became legal in 2008: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LGBT_rights_in_Panama I agree with your sentiment. This is not how I act with my friends, not even with my really close BFF. It sounds very much like she has a crush on you, but I'm not her and don't have the full story. I'm also really not wanting to feed you further hope in case it turns out she just really acts this way with extremely close friends. Just giving you my read on the situation as a third party observer with limited details. How did she act after the night she was drunk? Did she pretend it never happened? Have you talked about it at all? This sounds like the most important piece of information, since she actually said she loves you in a gay way. I'm using myself as an example here, since I'm also quite reserved and not a very social person. No matter how drunk I am I wouldn't confess romantic feelings for another person without actually feeling them. To me it mostly sounds like she's having trouble coming to terms with her own sexuality and her feelings for you, but she also doesn't want to lose you. I'm not a psychologist, relationship counselor or a professional of any kind, I'm just drawing from my own experiences here. I really wish I could offer some solid advice instead of all this, I'm also really afraid of getting your hopes up and making it all even harder for you. Please be patient with her, maybe try to very gently bring it up when the time feels right. If I came from a country where same-sex relationships were highly stigmatized and only recently developed a crush on a girl, I'd be really afraid as a generally introverted person. I'm sure once she visits you in person, it'll be a lot easier to tell how she feels by the way acts around you. I'm sorry I couldn't be of much help and just ended up rambling! I'm going to bed, so I won't reply before I wake up if you post anything.
Could you suss out the cultural aspect by asking whether she's had this type of friendship before? Or if other girls/women she knows have this type of friendship? Maybe where she grew up girls are generally closer and more touchy-feely. If not and this is "unique" to you two, as far as she's concerned, I'd agree that there is something more going on. She may not know what's going on, herself, and you're her "trigger". Hopefully when you get together you'll have some time alone without that 3rd friend. I'm crossing my fingers for you.
No she didn't pretend it didn't happen because I asked her you know you called me a few times drunk last night and left some messages and what she said and she said yes. We didn't really talk about it more than that though, I just was seeing if she remembered saying that stuff or what. It wasn't awkward or weird we just didn't talk about it further. IDK. She just says things sometimes and I am just like omg what? Like once she was telling how she did her laundry that day and how she might have to freshen up her lingerie collection before she came here. I was just like say what?? She could have just been joking around but its all the little stuff like that that make me wonder stuff. I really won't know until she is here I guess and I see how she is around me in person. It's all just confusing the heck out of me and I guess I won't know much more until October comes and she arrives. I hadn't told ANYONE about any of this situation until the other day when I got upset after telling her I cared more than friends and I was very upset and crying and called my other friend who is coming the same time as her. So now she knows all about it. She is straight and married but she doesn't understand why this girl is acting like this either but I'm kind of glad I told her and that she will be here at the same time at least for support. I'm very nervous about it all. I've been single for a very long time so this has all taken me by surprise. ---------- Post added 5th Sep 2014 at 05:34 PM ---------- Yeah it might be, I'm not sure. She doesn't really have "girlfriends" or anything like that. She had an ex BF she was with for quite a few years that ended shortly before I started talking to her. I think she cared for him a lot and did a lot for him and didn't feel appreciated in their relationship at all. I have done little things or surprised her in little ways and she has been very sentimental when I do saying she is not used to that or how it means so much to her. My other friend is actually leaving 2 days before this girl is and I had actually asked this girl if after the other friend leaves she would be interested in going to the local botanical gardens for their night show and she was super excited and said she would love to. I made a point when I asked her that I would like it to just be she and I going and I didn't want to mention anything about it to my other friend so she doesn't feel left out or anything and she said she understood what I meant. So we will have a little bit of time together alone before she will leave.
A friend of mine and myself tried to convince ourselves for two years that we were just friends. I can remember the exact moment it was 100% evident that we weren't fooling each other anymore.... Sitting in a parked car... Completely hidden 45 miles outside of town... listening to Brandi Carlile and holding hands. I remember her saying, "Friends don't do this..." You know how you feel. There is no question there. And regardless of whether she feels confused, excited, scared ... All of the above... She knows how she feels too. This trip is going to provide you a lot of clarity... Which is what you need. But you need to be prepared for that clarity. You have to ask yourself the hard questions. If she is only looking for friendship, is that something you can live with... or will you have to walk away. Once you have that answer... you can move forward from there.... You just need to know where you stand and you have to be strong and confident in that... Because it's the only piece of this that you have 100% control over. Sending positive thoughts your way. -J
I had a friend who was similar to that. She actually would joke about scissoring with me and she came up with this thing called 'toe sex' where she'd put her fingers between my toes and rub them in and out. We'd occupy ourselves with that for minutes at a time, giggling our heads off. When we went to the mall, she'd grab my hand like we were a couple and skip (literally skip) around. I warned her that people might think we were dating, but she said she didn't care. Anyways, amongst many other things, she seemed like she was completely attracted to me, and I totally fell for her. But when I tearfully admitted it to her, she hugged me and said I'd always be her best friend. My suspicions are that she was actually gay, but didn't have a crush on me. I've had another bisexual friend who was very intimate with me but was in no way attracted to me. Long story short, some girls who are gay (or not) just love intimacy and joke about those sorts of things. My guess is that your friend is gay, but she just isn't into you. It sometimes feels difficult for a gay person to come out to another gay because they're afraid they'll take it as the go-ahead to start dating. If this is the case with her, try to get over her. She isn't interested. Of course, there's always the chance that she's straight and uninterested, or that she's gay and in denial. It might be good to just talk to her about this.
This is really good. I think when the two of you are alone together you'll have your chance to find out what's really going on. You'll just have to patient, October's just around the corner. It'll be here before you know it! (*hug*) People are very different, it's true, and I hope I'm not coming off as dismissive here; but the behavior you described in my experience is quite common among teenagers. I believe, however, based on the fact that her friend is a pilot for a commercial airliner (?) that OP and her friend are in their mid-20s or older and far less likely to behave this way, especially considering her friend is not a very social person. I want to reiterate that I don't want to be dismissive of your post, which is very relevant and definitely needs to be taken into account. This is solely based on my observation of teenage behavior and young adult behavior, having experienced both.
Yep. I'll see how things go when she arrives with her behaviors etc in person! And yes, we are not quite so young. lol I am 34 and she is about to turn 30.
