I feel as though this person would be better off without me. Because of this, I tend to feel a need to stop talking to her thinking that she would be happier. I suffer with anxiety and depression, but still don't understand why I do this? Why I feel like I should just let this person go. I feel like they want something from me; just not sure what. She wants to talk about serious stuff and well I just can't. She says in order to be someone friend she has to know details so the caring aspect can get stronger. Umm... it doesn't help I have feelings for her so I am trying to block those out. I feel like if I let her into my life in a deeper level I will get destroyed. My insides start to hurt, my anxiety worsens. I once told her that I can admit I have issues which is usually the first step. She said that if feel bitter about trusting relationships then that will mean I am not really getting passed the suffering, but rather letting the suffering rule my life. She is right to an extent. I think about something like relationships and think people would be better off with out me. I feel like if I stay away from getting close to someone they have no chance in hurting me as well me hurting them. I feel like I should punish myself for my past- my fathers wrong doings. I feel like if I do get in a relationship, I may become him and I don't want to. I feel like if I atleast get people out of my life than there is no chance of this happening...seens wrong to me, but it is how I feel.
Before I answer this properly, can I just clarify whether this woman would be interested in a relationship, or just friendship?
I am unsure. Right now, I think friendship-she is in a relationship, but is bi so... She flirts with me and says how much she misses me. She tries to physically get close to me if I hang out with her. I have gone out with a group and I asked her to dance just rock music dancing and sort of let her do her own thing...which is when she started getting physically close to me...having me hold her and such. In the past she has even mentioned kissing me once or twice- she forced a kiss on my cheek once. She has asked someone close to me how I felt about her and well admitted that it was tough because she was with someone- but did admit to that person that she cared about me. She said that I need to allow someone to be in my life who is there for selfless reasons, and I said I didn't want to talk about it so....She hurried and said it didn't specifically have to be her, weird because I thought about her when she said that....but never told her this. I have asked to hang out with her and she will usually say yes.
OK. Then these are my thoughts. First of all, bad behaviour is NOT always cyclical. I was abused by my parents throughout my childhood, and I read a fantastic book called Breaking the Cycle of Abuse by Beverly Engel. After a while I realised that I am not my mother. The mere fact that you're asking questions about this and thinking through it means that you're already doing something your father didn't do. You're already, pre-emptively taking steps to avoid it. I suspect you are far MORE likely to overcompensate and be very loving and caring and worried for your partner, and that's not a bad thing. However, I do agree that now is not the time to go into a relationship. That's not because you'd be a nightmare girlfriend, but just because I don't think you would "enjoy" it. At this stage, I have a feeling that going into a relationship would cause you a lot of stress and self-consciousness: you'd observe your every move and cringe at everything you say and compare everything to parallel situations with your father. But friendship is so, so important right now. I would strongly advise you to find someone that you can open up to : a professional if you want, but also someone that can become emotionally attached. I went through a lot of professional help and to be honest, while talking helped, I really wanted a hug. It sounds like this girl is willing to help, but make sure before you open up to her (if you choose to) that it won't confuse your feelings even more. You will heal eventually! Good luck!
Thank you for your response. I have been seeing a counselor for many years. My counselor and I have talked about relationships so....I have my faults in the matter. An emotional attachment is something I want. I do want to hug her and just let it be in regards to that girl. I have even distanced myself, but this seems to always upset people. I care very much for this girl and want her in my life...I mean who knows what the future holds.
