This is my first post to the site. I feel like I am running out of resources. I have discussed this topic until I couldn't talk anymore, with my sponsor, my therapist, my other therapist (my girlfriend and I are currently in couple's therapy), my psychiatrist, etc. Finally I stumbled on this site and now I am hoping that someone who has gone through a similar situation can help me clear my head... I have been with my girlfriend for almost three years and we have a one year old daughter together. Shortly after we discovered that she was pregnant, I had an affair with my straight/closeted friend who I had been hooking up with on and off for the past 6 years, when he was 15 and I was 18. I have been openly bisexual since I was 15 years old and my girlfriend was aware of my sexuality before we started dating. The news of the pregnancy made my emotions go haywire and the daunting question finally hit me: Am I ready to be fully committed to this person for the rest of my life and to ignore and suppress the other side of myself? After meeting up with my friend and discussing the way I was feeling about the pregnancy, he revealed to me that his current girlfriend had also just found out that she was pregnant. One thing lead to another and we ended up hooking up, for all we knew, one last time. After that we went our separate ways and had very little contact aside from asking how each other were doing. Fast forward to when our daughter was three months old, and I finally told my girlfriend about the affair. I told her that I thought I would be able to really "let go" of that part of my life, but that I was finding it more and more difficult to deny my desire to still sleep with men, specifically with my friend. I suggested that we attend couple's therapy to work through these issues, but she wanted no part of it. Meanwhile I continued focusing on my recovery ( I just reached my 2nd full year clean and sober on September 4th), discussing the issue with my sponsor and therapist. I tried using porn and masturbation as an outlet for my desire to be with a man. I tried meditation, treating my desires as just another drug in my life that I could overcome. I tried writing short stories about my desires, in another attempt at a healthier outlet than cheating. I made it nearly a year without having communication with my male friend, at the request of my girlfriend, until a few months ago when he showed up at a 12 step meeting that I was attending. He is now back in my life and I feel torn, lost and more confused than ever. I have finally accepted that I love him. I love my girlfriend too and I just don't know what I am supposed to do. I don't know if this is a bisexual issue or if I am just some selfish prick. I have been seeing him again after meetings, sometimes I bring him after, and our relationship as quickly become sexual again. My girlfriend and I are currently attending couple's therapy, although she doesn't know I have "been with him" again. At this point I have stated that I know I don't have it in me to spend the rest of my life feeling cut off from my true sexuality, but I don't know how to make it work. She doesn't feel that she can allow me to have some sort of open relationship set up. I feel like it's over but neither of us wants to be the one to say it. Then there's him... I told him last week that I love him and I know we both have our own families and lives and that we can never be more than we are now, but that if we are going to continue this he needs to know how I really feel and that I can't just be there for a sexual outlet. In other words if that's all it is for him I can't allow myself to do it anymore. Since then he has been way more open about his feeling and he grabbed me and made out with me two days ago. We NEVER did that before. I understand that he is struggling with his sexuality etc, but he's so hot and cold. We went from quick fuck sessions to passionate drawn out love making, but then every other day or two I wont hear from him, like he's battling with guilt or something. Is it time to just let him go? Please HELP!
