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meeting my bio dad and his family , But ...

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by rayan, Sep 6, 2014.

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  1. rayan

    rayan Guest

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    This might be a little bit long thread , but i need a help here so please read it .
    I've recontact my bio dad about a year ago . I haven't heard about him for 18 years before that . Anyway , our relationship got better and better in this year . And now he is the only family that i have . He accepted me for who i am when i came out ,unlike my mom , stepfather and siblings .
    I've been feeling really down and depressed in the past 2 weeks esp after my mom passed away. My dad decided to travel all the way from the states to the middle east to be here with me . He told me that few days ago. To be honest , i felt happy but anxious as he is bringing his wife and kids with him .

    Today he told me something that shocked me and even made me feel insecure about meeting any of them . They are Muslims !. They have been Muslims for 15 years now . He never mentioned that and when i asked why , he said i was afraid that you won't talk to me and you will never give me a chance to be part of your life esp after i came out to him . He is coming on Tue and he didn't want me to get surprised when i see them .
    I've lived most of my life in the middle east , surrounded by Muslims . In fact my flatmate is a Muslim too , so Islam is not the issue here . The thing is , if my own family that i was raised with them abandoned me because i'm gay , what would this family do ? After all it's a huge sin to be a homosexual in their religion.

    I don't know what should i do . Do i ask him not to bring his family , or not to come at all ? . I still feel BAD after the reaction of my own family , and being judged again by my bio dad and his family would even make me worse . And that is something that i'm not ready for .
     
    #1 rayan, Sep 6, 2014
  2. bingostring

    bingostring
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    Well, maybe a two stage process needed here. I think it would be great for you to meet him on a 1:1 basis first and then maybe meet the rest after you have had some quality time with him and cleared the air. I am sure as he is cool with it the rest may be too. It is understandable that you are very cautious about this considering what happened with the rest of your family but I would give this a chance. There's no way this new family can be as awful as your last experience. He sounds really cool and if he - and his family - is crossing the world to see you what more evidence do you need that they are wanting to embrace you???
     
    #2 bingostring, Sep 6, 2014
  3. PatrickUK

    PatrickUK
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    The way I read it, your Dad really wants to be part of your life again and I agree with bingostring about him travelling (with his family) halfway across the world to be with you... knowing already that you are gay. That doesn't sound like someone who is coming to shout and bawl and make life even more difficult for you. In fact, I'd say he's just as anxious as you are Rayan and will not want to upset or offend you by speaking out of turn about your sexuality. That puts you in a fairly powerful position.

    I think you need some time to speak to him privately, before meeting everyone else and explain to him just how much it hurt you to be judged by your own family. Use the strength of your position to tell him that you are not prepared to take any more judgement.

    Remember, your Dad comes from a different society with different attitudes. Although there is some intolerance towards LGBT people in America, it's not like you will have encountered so widely in the Middle East.

    I don't think your Dad is coming to hurt you Rayan (I certainly hope not). Keep us informed :slight_smile:
     
    #3 PatrickUK, Sep 7, 2014
  4. rayan

    rayan Guest

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    I called my dad today and we talked a little bit about my fairs , i didn't mention everything but i brought up the fact that i'm afraid his family will judge me . He said if there is such a thing he would never think about bringing them with him plus they were the ones who wanted to come in the first place .
    So you were both right that they really want to be part of my life . But then i keep thinking about all the differences between us , we come from different cultures and have different religions .
    I've never heard that Islam approves our lifestyle in any country around the world and that is my biggest fair , that they will always look at me as a sinner even if they were okay with me being gay . Maybe my fairs are not in the right place and as Linco said , they are coming from a different society where their attitude towards us would be much different than what i'm used to.
    Well , 2 days left and i'm hoping for the best .
     
    #4 rayan, Sep 7, 2014
  5. Rosepetal

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    Islam does support lgbt
     
    #5 Rosepetal, Sep 7, 2014
  6. rayan

    rayan Guest

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    I must have been drunk to write fear ..fairs :eusa_doh:
    Anyway , I don't think that Islam support LGBT at any level at least not here in the middle east . But i can assure you that even if there are some Muslims who support us , they still believe that homosexuality is a sin .
     
    #6 rayan, Sep 7, 2014
  7. PatrickUK

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    Hopefully, your Dad will be as good as his word and will not indulge in any judgemental comments. By now, he must realise that it will offend and upset you if he does start making preachy or outspoken comments about your sexuality, with the risk of losing you forever. In my opinion, he'd be a fool to take such a risk.

    I don't know if all Muslims believe homosexuality is a sin. I know some British Muslims and if they do hold such an opinion they have never said as much to me. Maybe it's because they live in a society that is more tolerant and accepting, I don't know? As a matter of fact, I probably know more Christians (people of my own religion) who think homosexuality is sinful... they are wrong, of course and I've argued with them about it.

    The thing is Rayan, you don't share their religion and cannot be bound by their beliefs anyway. You have been through and awful lot over the past 12 months and you've shown incredible courage and determination, so don't let this creeping anxiety weigh you down. I know that's not easy, but you are stronger than you think you are. Really, you are!

    I'll be thinking of you tomorrow and hoping all goes well.
     
    #7 PatrickUK, Sep 8, 2014
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