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help like a-sap

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by nathanxalex, Sep 6, 2014.

  1. nathanxalex

    nathanxalex Guest

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    i fall in love with a married man i don't know where else to turn to the only person that know about this is a close friend of mind he told me to come here to this website this male i'm having an affair with his name is Alex bell well it's his maiden name his given name is Alex golden his wife is always on business trips he tells me that he will get a divorce like after a few week's after he told me he was married i just feel like he just lying how did i meet this man? we meet at a party he did unmarried man stuff to me he so did not act like he was married at that party well it's so a mess how he told me like a few weeks ago that he was a married man this is not a new subject for me we made love for over four whole year's yes i'm so stupid ....he does not even wear his wedding ring he did not even have it on at the party i still care for this man what should i do please help i don't wanna rush him he is still a good man
     
  2. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

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    Hi. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this difficult situation, and I can imagine how hurt you must feel that the guy did not tell you he was married.

    Unfortunately, I don't have particularly good news. The people who date married men (or women... but usually men) are at a complete disadvantage. The married man has everything he wants: his family, wife, home *and* a "piece on the side" when he wants it. In short, there's -zero- incentive for a married man to do anything different, and plenty of incentive to keep things exactly as they are... which puts you in a really crappy position with no leverage.

    Probably every married man since the dawn of time has told his boyfriend/girlfriend that he is leaving his married partner "soon." Unfortunately, this rarely happens, because (as I said), there's zero incentive for him to do so.

    Additionally, there is the very real issue of his wife. You're engaged in helping him deceive his wife, and in terms of integrity, that's pretty shitty. If you put yourself in the wife's place... how would you feel? Assuming you answer "shitty"... then why would you want to have any part in doing that to her?

    And finally... someone who will cheat once is more likely to cheat again. He's also already lied to you from the outset, and is very likely to continue to lie to you about other things. In short, his willingness to violate the bond of his marriage and be disingenuous to his wife indicates that he places little value on honesty and integrity toward the person that he should most want to show honesty and integrity toward.

    My best suggestion is to have an honest conversation with him and basically say that you didn't intend to date a married man, it's incompatible with your values, and not what you want. If it were me, I'd simply end it for the reasons stated above (basically, that the guy cannot be trusted.) If you insist on trying to make it work, I'd tell him that you are ready to see him again after he's told his wife what's going on and the three of you have had a chance to meet. If he is really serious about leaving his wife, he should be agreeable to that. If he is not... then he will likely just lie to you and claim he's told her.

    Again, I can imagine how difficult this must be for you, but honestly, I think your best bet is to find someone who will treat you with the respect, honesty, and integrity you deserve.
     
  3. nathanxalex

    nathanxalex Guest

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    i'ma see how serious he is about leaving his wife they are throwing a party to celebrity his job promotion to a Manager he told me his wife will be there if so i guess i'll go this a probably be our last talk if she not at the party i'ma just leave i'll just tell him how i feel that a be the end of that or if she does show he better tell her every thing if not i'll just get outta of Florida i guess i'll go stay with my older sister in new York that's only if things don't work out