i'm in love with one of my best friends, but since he's discovered that i'm in love with him (he doesn't openly admit it, i don't really know if he knows the extent of it. he's christian and his entirely family is very involved in church), he's been alternating between leading me on, rejecting me and telling me to go away, or asking me to change my effeminate behavior or he'd cut contact with me. he told me many times that he's sick of me being the "closest person to him" and he's disgusted that i occupy such an important position in his life - and that he didnt want to continue this anymore. he'd ignore me for a couple of days, and come back as if nothing had happened. i don't know if he treated me as his best friend or what, but he always talked to me about this girl during the period of time he was trying to get to be his girlfriend. i'd objectively give him advice on how to get her, like how a normal friend would behave, and sometimes he'd ask me things like, "do you want me to get with her?", "what would you do if i get with her?", "you know you'll be replaced by her, right?" he always knew what to do to make me jealous - there was a period of time he'd get me to go out together with him and his new-found girlfriend. he'd touch his girlfriend in front of me and ask me how i felt about that. we'd have long conversations about our friendship and for one second he'd say how her entrance into his life won't affect it at all, and he'll never leave me but when he's in a bad mood he'd tell me that she's replaced me in his life already and i'll soon be useless to him i've had enough of his bullshit, so i told him he can either choose me or choose her. he told me he won't choose, but eventually he said he'd need a break from me since he can't be there for me all the time anymore, and he needed to spend time with her. he sent me a super long (more than 5000 words) letter asking me to let go of him as a friend, and he'd return some point in the future. (it was some sort of a breakup letter, which was weird, because according to him, we were only friends - why would him getting a girlfriend require a breakup) we're from the same school, and contact was inevitable. we talked a few times after that, and our friendship didn't really end, it just faded a bit into something less intense. we even hung out once but he said "we're not friends, we are just two people who talk to each other". it was hella weird, but one day he told me he'll give me a offer for him to be my friend again - but he said things cannot go back to the way they were, and i am not allowed to treat him as anything more than a friend. that's when he started to talk to me about the things he's done with her. all we ever talk about is sex and girls and generally pretty perverted stuff. it's affecting me because he's describing all the intimacy he's had with her in great detail with me, and he'll ask me to control him, and get him to stop - and what am i to do about it? i even offered to get him condoms in case he really can't take it while he's with her, and i try my best to maintain my liberal position on sex. firstly, i don't even know what he said is true, and i also don't know if he knows it's hurting me - but it really is, and it's so bad that i legit have stopped functioning as a normal human being. knowing that he's a christian and he'd never do anything before marriage, i was certain he wouldn't engage in any sort of pre-maritial behavior. he even reprimanded me for drinking (mind you, i drink super little) so it's really surprised me what he's done lol (he does it a lot with her), and i know it's normal teenage behaviour but i just can't tolerate it when it's him. i'd get fricking jealous and i can't let it show, because he's only supposed to be a "friend". i'm also feeling super annoyed because i've not really gotten any action before in my life. i've experimented with a few guys (we've touched each other through the clothes), but that's as far as i've got. i maintain a very very liberal position and i make myself out to be this super decadent person but i can't deal with the fact that i still have my v card with me and there's nowhere for me to go and lose it i have exams in 2 weeks, i'm on edge and i may risk retaining in my level. i don't know what to do with him. on one hand, i'm super done with him and i just want him out of my life, but on the other hand, not talking to him and ignoring him gives me even more anxiety than talking to him. what's more, is that if i ignore him, he'd find his best way to get my attention then lure me into a conversation that i can't get myself out of. tldr: my christian, and abusive best friend whom i am in love with found a girlfriend and ditched me. he came back telling me that we can be friends again, only if i stop seeing him as anything more than that. he's started talking to me about her, and describing the things they've did. it's really hurting me, and affecting me. i have exams in 2 weeks, and i am stuck in a position where i have no mood to do anything. i risk retaining in my level. :bang::bang::bang::bang::bang::bang::bang::bang:
Any advice is probably going to be in the 'easier said than done' category. Your friend sounds like he doesn't deserve the title. Perhaps you should drop him. Move on, stop accepting when he says 'we can be friends again'. All you're doing by following him is setting yourself up for more heartache. And, though I don't know him enough to make any certain judgment, I would guess that he feels empowered, knowing he can throw you away and hurt you verbally and emotionally, and still have you come back when he offers. That 'friendship' seems to be toxic. As much as it might hurt to do so, ignore him the next time he asks to be friends again. Tell him, somehow, that you won't stand for being toyed with and led on, and that you don't need him or his approval to be happy. The words may seem hollow at first, but if you give yourself time away from him- not geographical distance, since you go to the same school, but emotional distance- I'm sure you'll move on to find someone better who knows how to treat you like the valuable person you are.
how do i stop myself from thikning of him? i really really need to focus on the exams ahead and all i feel is fucking numb
I doubt that there is any way for you to really stop thinking about him right off the bat. Try studying, and if he continuously enters your thoughts, take a break, take a deep breath, write down your feelings (Maybe as a list, a story, or poetry. corny, I know, but keeping them bottled inside will only make things worse. Sometimes thoughts and emotions keep reoccurring because they need to be acknowledged. Confronting them, accepting them, and working on moving on from them is important. This is personal experience talking.) and do something relaxing. Drink a cup of hot tea. Eat a cookie. Listen to calm music. Or maybe loud rock music. Basically, listen to whatever you like. Just maybe not love songs. Then go back to studying. Preoccupy yourself with constructive things, be they hobbies or homework. Just don't let him consume you. You deserve better. You will always deserve better than someone who strings you along. ---------- Post added 7th Sep 2014 at 10:11 PM ---------- Also, on the note of your 'v card' earlier, don't worry about that. There was a time when virginity was prized. Now, even though it sometimes seems like being a virgin is shameful, it's not. We're still young. There's still plenty of time to get out there and have fun.
