Just looking for a little advice. My boyfriend and I have been together a year and a half. Things were good first year, after that 50/50. I made a lot of not great comments, I never said it to him but looking back even on facebook I was always posting how bad my life was, how much I was unhappy... also, our sex life was bad. He begged me for sex daily and I usually said no, sometimes we'd go up to 3 weeks or more with no sexual activity. There came a time when I told him to look at porn because I look at porn and get off everyday. I assume it probably hurt him alot knowing I didn't want sex with him but was wanking it daily (sorry for the rude term). I don't know why. There also came a time when I was sexting all hours of the night with an ex fling (not from this relationship) and even planned to meet up, I might have even done it but never had the time. I did masturbate to his photos and send him not appropriate pictures as well. To add to the fact, I asked my boyfriend to leave the house multiple times. I eventually got to the point where I asked him to agree to a 3 some and he was not happy about it. I fought with him to get him to agree. He finally agreed but we never did it. Thats my part, now here is what he did: 3 months ago he cheated on me. He found a guy on facebook, they chatted about sex, he went to his house, had sex with him (didn't finish but did in the bathroom afterwards masturbating) and then he came home and never told me. He swears he was scared I'd break it off (which I would have done without a doubt). I told him he had to come clean about it, he told me it happened reluctantly and then told me the details. He claims the reason was no sexual activity in our relationship; he is in fact insanely horny all the time and does not like to masturbate [but that doesnt justify it]. He cried, and cried and cried. He is terrified I will leave him. He has been doing everything to convince me he is sorry and it won't happen again. He says he will take a lie detector test monthly, he installed GPS on his phone so I can track him, etc. Trust is obviously broken. The thing is though, since he has told me, I have been hurt, I forgive him, I don't accept what he did but I forgive him. Our relationship has been insane, he has helped me create successful businesses, drop my alcoholism, and more. He has been great aside from this incident. Our sex life has been marvelous. For 2 weeks since I found this out literally our sex life is great, knowing his needs I literally have no issues, I might even be tiring him out. He brought me roses today, told his mother about us (we assumed she'd kill us both and instead she wants us to visit every sunday)... etc. He has also given me all his passwords, checks in with me, etc. I feel like it was a mistake, I feel like we are both young guys and I feel like I would have done the same had I gotten the chance and I even tried to ... I think he is an as***** for what he did and I think it's disrespectful and rude. But I do not feel less love, and I have forgiven him. I am just not sure if I should continue the relationship. I want to. He wants to, I believe that he really wants to. I told him we can keep the businesses, he can stay at the house, etc and we can just be friends and thats that. I also told him we can have an open relationship. He was very not happy with both options. If he felt like he needed to cheat again or would, I am pretty sure an open relationship would have been the option but he was not fond of the idea. The point is, everyone says once a cheater always a cheater, but in a past relationship I cheated out of misery and in my new relationship did not. After all this I know I never would. I want to think our relationship has been so beneficial that it is worth saving, but... am I just being an idiot and hoping for something that won't happen?
No, you're not being an idiot. I'll start by saying that I'm morally against open relationships in general and also that if your using it to set a lower standard for the relationship, it's just wrong. I think what you're trying to do here is keep score, with all the he did this and I did that. Perhaps it's not about that anymore. Maybe it's time to just admit that you both screwed up, stop there and start planning forward. Kind of a wipe the slate type thing. I am not sure from your post if you know how you feel about continuing the relationship, but from the sounds of it your boyfriend does and is willing to go to great lengths to try and recover what's left of it. I mean, how many people would say "here are my passwords, you can GPS track me and i'll be completely transparent with you". If he's willing to go that far I think that there is something there on his end. Just a side note, I don't think you should take up his offer with the passwords and such if you want to try and revive the relationship. Talk to him and say something like "I trust you, I'm not going to stalk you that way and I shouldn't have to" and follow up on that. This way you're starting to rebuild that trust that is broken in the relationship. I know it's not exactly "fair" for you to be the one to start reaching out again and it'll probably hurt a bit to try and reach out. I think you'll find it worth it though, if you can see past the fact he screwed up. Finally I'll leave you with this: You've made it a year and half with someone. In that first year what was amazing about the relationship to you? Use that as the fuel to try and keep the relationship going. It'll help when you start thinking negative thoughts. okay I lied....one more thing: A lot of people struggle working with the person that they are romantically involved with. My personal belief for this is because everything becomes about work. Try and do something with him where it's just you two and relaxing. Something that you both enjoy and can both get something out of. Personally, I'd go for a day on the beach followed by a night in a cabin.
SomeNights - thank you for an insanely mature, reasonable and rational explanation. I have to admit I expected a whole lot of "Kick him to the curb" type responses or "You messed it up big and he reacted" type responses. Anyway we had a serious chat. He says the "Open Relationship" is a no go because if we just sleep with who we want than for him it's more practical just to not be together. To which I kindly replied, "So... you realize you pretty much did that, and still want to be together?". Anyway to not get into 20 paragraphs, he never went on a date, or , saw a person more than once. Just some sexting (hah, funny word) and then one incident. Anyway he told me the details, the act was never even what hurt me, I do believe that humans are not built for monogamy but we must strive for it and I've done things that would have hurt him albeit not cheat. What bothered me was that he didn't tell me for so long and may have never. He cried, and cried, and cried. Not fake cried, really cried. Doesn't make it any better but I believe he regrets it, both being caught and the act of. I don't think he'd do it again, I asked him .... I also let him know, if he just wants the business to survive I am mature enough to keep it, we could be friends, I wasn't mad, and we both just date other people. He was incredibly not amused by that idea or to be precise was physically ill. The point is... he cheated, if he didn't want our relationship to work or he wanted to fool around I gave him the option to do so without losing anything other than our relationship and he absolutely did not want that. So if he is so devoted to making it work, willing to sacrifice his dignity, freedom and personal expression... then why break it off? I guess the point is, he is obviously sorry for what he did. I am his first boyfriend. On my first relationship I had the same thoughts, we are young -- I wanted to see what I was missing out on. It's likely he thought the same although he won't admit it. And apparently he realized that what else was out there was just cheap pleasure and love is better. The way I see it, cheating is not what ends the relationship, it's how we react to cheating. He has expressed he is sorry. I see him crying sometimes when we are driving down the road and tears stream down his face. I must assume he is sincere when he says he feels like sh** inside - and that hurts me, I don't like the idea of him being upset - so, he made a mistake, we both suffer horrible consequences, he realized that it wasn't worth it ... Now, it's likely we can have a functioning relationship in which I won't have to worry about this type of stuff. We had an awesome year, we had a rough patch, he made a mistake - I wasn't an unsuspecting victim, I knew things were bad. You are right also, business is a problem. All we do and did was business. In the past few days as we have been working through this our sex life has been fulfilling, we have had dinner dates, we have eaten every meal together, etc. I think our relationship is actually in a functioning state finally and that's pretty damn good. So thank you for the awesome reply and I hope to hear more opinions good or bad because in the end, talking things out does help.
No problem, I hate to see good relationships fail. I think this is a big statement, if you can forgive him and let this go, I think you've really got a chance to try again. Exactly, if you react on the raw emotions of being cheated on, it's not ever going to work. When you take a step back and refocus toward the good in a person and away from what happened is when you can start to rebuild. Serriously, if your business can afford it hire an office manager for a while and go on a vacation. Do something together completely away from work, even if it's only for a few days to a week. (*hug*) that's what we're all here for!
Honestly, it sounds like you're both in the wrong, and it's good that you seem to recognise that. The reason you give for not meeting up with this guy is not having the time. But if you had, wouldn't you then have cheated on your boyfriend? Unless I'm reading that wrong. I get that you probably didn't mean for it to come across this way, but asking your boyfriend for a threesome, to me at least, comes across as 'I want to be with this other guy but I don't want to break up with you, so can we do it together so it won't be considered cheating?' and I'm saying that as someone who has been in both positions before. Unless of course you didn't have someone in particular in mind for the threesome, but like you said, considering you masturbate and were willing to have a threesome, it comes across as a little hurtful that you don't like having sex with your boyfriend much. I don't know what your relationship is like though, so again I could be wrong. I would echo what has been said previously, it seems like he's really desperate to give the relationship another go. It's a good sign that he isn't interested in an open relationship, which would effectively allow him to be with you and sleep with other people. It sounds like he really wants to make things right with you. And it's a good sign your sex life is on the uptake - hopefully both of you can be happy with the results. I personally would give him another shot, and see how things work out. But tell yourself that if he messes up again, you really have to end things. You'd be fair giving him another chance (which I think you should, we all make mistakes) but you wouldn't be letting him mess you around. Just my opinion, sorry if I was wrong with any of the details in your post! I'm just saying what I thought when I read your post.
I agree with all of the points made above. However, I have to say this, and you may not like it. I don't know if it is only just me, but in my eyes, you also cheated on him. I feel as though you are playing victim here and blaming him when clearly there is a major problem on both sides. I almost feel as if you are being unfair to him. My reasons stem from the fact that you sexted, sent inappropriate pictures (to me this constitutes a form of emotional cheating) and even intended to meet up with this 'ex fling', but only missed out on cheating yourself because of your 'busy' schedule. Not only that, you keep pressing him to have an open relationship. It seems to me (excuse my accusatory tone, but I feel bad for your boyfriend) that you are not as attracted to him physically as he is to you, or you are not completely 100% on staying in this relationship. I feel as though you are either bored of the way things are, given that it has been a year and a half, and feel that you could do better. Maybe it is immature of me to say this, but when you truly love someone, you don't offer them the bull**** choice of just being 'friends' with maybe benefits, or offer them the alternative of having an 'open relationship'. To me, 'open relationships' are just a pretense for guiltless cheating on your behalf, seeing as your boyfriend isn't too happy about the idea (yet you still propose this idea to him)? I end relationships the moment I have continuous thoughts about sleeping with other sexual partners- I don't have to act on them, but I do realize that it means that I am unsatisfied with the current situation and something needs to change. I agree with the above aforementioned about how it isn't about exclusively the act of cheating, but rather it is how you act and feel afterwards. Does one feel the need to cheat again? Or are they repentant? Your boyfriend seems genuinely regretful of his choice, and as you state yourself, he might have just wanted to experiment to see if whether or not the grass is greener on the other side. In summary, I see you playing the blame game here, and playing the victim, when I believe that you are equally at fault given that you were also neglecting his sexual advances, sought solace in an 'ex fling', and even went as far as to arrange a meet up were it not for the thankfully busy schedule of your work. As for my advice? I would either cut him some slack (given the incredible lengths he has gone to in order to prove his loyalty- lengths which I hope that you have not accepted as a relationship cannot be built upon foundations of mistrust, point keeping, threats of breaking up thoughts of cheating- which are equally culpable as the act itself etc) or break up with him. Not because of the fact that he has cheated, but the fact that you seem to have serious doubts about the relationship, and you seem restless in it. You don't seem all that happy if you are even considering the idea of an 'open relationship' at the early point of only one and a half years into the relationship. I am sorry if I have come off rather angry or harsh, but the truth of the matter is, I think that you are being unfair to him. I am not suggesting that you owe sexual partners anything, nor are you obligated to have sex with them (and this is the problem, the fact that your sex was out of a sense of obligation and the guarding of the status quo, as opposed to being the natural, spontaneous and organic expression of passion, desire and love), but what do you honestly expect if you make your partner feel unwanted? (this opinion is controversial, but seeing as the other posts above have been supportive, I have decided to provide you a differing opinion).
Thanks to everyone for the replies. Talking about things are really helping me understand. @Mystory - Thank you for the "other side". I don't like your reply at all, but I think it's insightful and fair. I agree that my replies about open relationship and friends are not good. Sometimes I say things I don't mean and I forget that other people don't know how I really feel including my boyfriend and interpret them at face value. I love him and I do not want that, I just .... had a moment. I guess it's fair to say we both were at the point of cheating, I probably got there first, and he acted on it and I didn't. I'd of probably done the same or tried to at some point. The grass being greener on the other side is a terrible way to handle a relationship but I think alot more people do it and have done it then their partners know. I know a lot of people who early on in very long term relationships cheated and just never told their partner. I am unfair to him, I am driving him to the edge of guilt and I feel like he should feel that way but I am no better. What I do know is that my end objective is not to lose him and I don't want to be without him. He is really the best thing that happened, I don't know why we had sexual issues before or why I didn't have interest. I have no idea why, but I know it's back now. The idea of losing him made me appreciate him... in a ridiculous kind of way, maybe that is what the point of all this was, we both came close to losing each other and we realized that neither of us want to be with someone else... I am not an angel and I am not fair. I have been terrible and I told him that. @starlightonmars - All correct. The threesome point I guess is right, I pretty much wanted to sleep with someone else but didn't want to feel like an as***** doing it so I tried to do it with him making me free of guilt. I did not take into account a) how he interpreted that or b) how that made him feel. I proposed a three some to him AFTER the incident of cheating, so I am assuming he felt even worse since... he had already made the decision to be with me and only me after making a terrible mistake which likely caused more emotional distress than was already present. @SomeNights - Yeah... pretty much you are right on track. @Rosepetal - I don't believe in second chances but I think love is more important than my personal belief system and I wasn't exactly great for a year and a half.
So two more days have passed and I have advanced. We are doing really good for the most part. We talked it out, I admitted I had a large part in the failures. I also let him know that I am happy and sorry about it all. Plan Victim has gone out the window, I don't feel that way anymore and I realized I am not even upset about the cheating, more or less that he didn't tell me for so long. He swears.... that something in him has changed and he would never go to those lengths again. We also agreed that if either gets to the point of even wanting to talk to someone else sexually that we should be honest and break it off rather than cheat. I am 100% sure I want the relationship to work and that I have learned from this but... despite sex drive being up and I have already started to trust again, the way I look at it, not trusting won't help. But I do feel like lots of nice feelings I had were stolen by this situation and that "spark" I used to feel when I saw him is clouded.... now it's just... happy but no spark. Not sure if it will come back. I will update this thread though for anyone else who may go through this.
Sorry for my harsh response... I'm so happy for you two though and I hope everything works out and continues to work out. Keep us updated we are all listening.
I am trying to understand why he is at fault when it sounds like you were very willing to do the same thing... Asking him to leave the house so you can divert attention to someone else is a tough pill to swallow. I am not trying to justify his actions but it sounds like you both have contributed to a muddled situation.
Thanks Mystory & starlightonmars. @Incognito10 - Yeah I'd say I was at fault. The reason I am hurt isn't because he did what he did, it's because it happened -before- I threw him out, as in months before. I just didn't find out until recently. We talked ALOT in the last days and he the only explanation he can give me is: "I'm sorry, I didn't know what else to do, there were days when I begged you, BEGGED you for sex and you just pushed me aside. I felt like you had no interest in me and I love you", so I told him going out on the street to find what I didn't give him wasn't acceptable to which he replied "I know, but I begged you, I begged you and you had no interest in me, I did everything I could. It won't happen again, I am over the situation, I know it was a mistake". That's all he said. I am starting to actually realize that I probably / definently had alot of fault in the situation. There is no just reason to cheat and he could have just ended the relationship but it's possible he does / was in love with me, and ... we went weeks or a month without sex sometimes and him begging daily. Some days we would kiss and stuff, he got really excited, I wasn't into it, he begged and I would tell him - go use your hand. I am not sure why my attitude was that but I realize it was pretty crappy and is likely the reason that what happened did happen. The romance side is fixed though, no idea how or why but we have a new spark and it's not wearing off. Sounds good to me, I think communication was our issue, he never flat out told me how he felt and I was so tied up in my life that I didn't ask or notice... hence the issue
So time is flying by and things have been good.... there are still those moments where my mind goes where it shouldn't and trust is hard to come by but I am working on it. I did not take up his offers to spy on him or track him down, there is no point, since trust is needed for this to work. I have been putting my part and our intimate life has gotten much better. Still though, I wonder if this will all happen again and if he will do the same thing and next time things won't end well [of course not because third chances are not going to happen]. Some times I just thing, cut the cords now and prevent a future disaster but what if we are better now and what if this does last a lifetime? Is it worth hiding behind a curtain to prevent taking a risk that could end up being a lifetime of happiness? That is where I am at now...
