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Where now? What now? And how does everyone else do it?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by unknownuser1990, Sep 13, 2014.

  1. unknownuser1990

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    I am unsure as to how appropriate this post is for this site. I hope I haven't broken any rules and my apologies are due if I have.

    Ok, this is the first time I've ever posted on a forum. As with most people, I assume, I am skeptical of how effective this is going to be but here goes nothing.

    If life is a parabola then I feel as though mine is currently at it's nadia (I cannot picture it being much worse). I'm in the latter half of my twenties and things are pretty grim. I have been in full-time education for the last four years and for that ENTIRE time I have not even had so much as the merest possibility of some kind of relationship. There have been the occasional screw around and the less more occasional date but nothing of any substance to brighten my spirits. I told myself at the time, it's purely while you're in college, as they say "it get's better". If that is the case my follow up question is "When?".

    What makes the entire situation even more arduous is that every single person around me appears to have the secret to romantic bliss and is purposefully keeping it from me. Whether we care to glance around and look at my friends who appear to be pairing up like both parts of a zipper being quickly dragged upwards by the relentless march of time or to my previous boyfriends, all three of whom are now married, everyone seems to have that one person to make them less likely to hate themselves; apart from me. The rest, the even luckier ones, are, to use a crude cliche "fucking like rabbits" with each other and this endless pool of available young men denied to me. I wouldn't care which of these options were left over to me monogamy of "fucking like rabbits" but I would give everything to have the choice or even the chance. The man-manuel I have been issued with appears to be written in a language I do not understand. It just doesn't work for me.

    I'm a loser in love and extremely mediocre in the rest of life. Banality is my standard. All I want, what would make me complete is someone, anyone to show me a little affection and to tell me that, even if they didn't want to be with me they would at least be with me physically. Doesn't everyone deserve at least that? At least once in a while? Surely?....

    Part of my problem is sheer incompetence. I have no clue when it comes to coming onto people and even less of one about what I would do should some chap (perhaps as an act of philanthropy) came on to me. I'd be paddle-less in a strange river.

    I live in perpetual fear of being alone for the rest of my life. I dread the seemingly inevitable prospect of seeing the last remaining dregs partner up and my being left in mandatory celibacy, the sacrificial stag of life tossed to side as a newer, younger, fitter and more desirable generation move through and completely ignore me much as my own has done. As much as rejection makes me queasy I have come to stomach it, I have no choice but to do so.

    Some time ago I was dining out with a couple (friends of mine, I'm not in the habit of highjacking the dinner reservations of strangers) and I observed a man entering the restaurant. He wasn't old but he wasn't exactly young either. We looked remarkably similar to me and, from his repeated stolen glances at the rather attractive waiter's posterior, I could gleam that he was, at least, not straight. He sat there, ate his meal and left without saying a word to anyone who was not serving him. Later that evening I saw him in the bars and clubs...all alone. I don't want that to be me. I am irrationally afraid of spending the rest of my life alone and I worry that this is slowly but inevitably becoming my only option.

    So, to recap, I'm in my late twenties, utterly lonely, frightened, completely without romance or even lust and the prospect of building a career chills me. I don't know what to do or where to begin.

    I'm unsure if I'm looking for advice, solidarity, pity or something else... but again, I'd like the option.
     
  2. Gen

    Gen
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    First, Welcome to EC!

    Second, it seems obvious that you are a very intelligent and thoughtful individual based on the way in which you use your words. I have no doubt that alone will interest those who are actually worthy of your time and I swear that I am not merely being philanthropic when I say that.

    Getting to the point, I am not going to sugar-coat this situation because it is that type of mindset that gets many LGBTQ people into these positions. We are told for the majority of our childhood that all of these things will happen when we get older. We will run off to college and be surrounding by people who will accept us, gain dozens of friends in the LGBTQ community, be flooded with potential partners, and the sky will be shrouded in rainbows and all will be well. Unfortunately, life doesn't always work out that way. Truthfully, life rarely works out that way.

    Things will absolutely get better for the student who has been scrutinized by their peers or the child that was force to deal with a judgmental family. There are absolute things that will inherently get better, but all of our struggles won't be fixed so easily.Very few things about the world around us change when we move from one stage to the next in our lives. In the vast majority of cases, it doesn't get better with time. It gets better with growth.

    It gets better with acceptance. Many people assume that our journey's towards acceptance end at embracing our sexuality. Embracing our sexuality has actually become the easiest part of the process in newer generations. Our journey's towards acceptance do not end until we learn to except our identities entirely. Being raised in societies that, regardless of acceptance, still sees us as lesser. Going through experience after experience of never being able to be seen as beautiful by those we have become infatuated with. Being shamed for our attractions and our desires. It is very easy for us to become at peace with our sexualities. It is far harder for us to confront the emotional harm that we have suffered as a result of it and become at peace with ourselves.

    Through that it gets better with confidence. Confidence is crucial when seeking potential partners and be more open to unseen opportunities. Confidence is the difference between interact with the people that come onto you, rather than assume they are acting out of pity, because you know that you are someone worthy of love and admiration. Confidence is the difference between being able to take a chance and strike up conversations with people that interest us, platonically or romantically. Confidence is the difference between being able to step out of our comfort zones and visit events and organizations where finding other members of the LGBTQ community might come more easily.

    Finally, I would say that it gets better in regards to strength. It was when I was at my weakest that my dreams of happiness were dependent on my ability to find a partner. I, like most, would love to be in a wonderful relationship at this moment, but I have still found the strength to be content with the fact that I am not. I recognize the fact that sex is never difficult to find and if I truly wanted it I could easily find it. I would prefer spending my time on something more meaningful and I recognize the fact that it is not because I am lesser, unappealing, or flawed that I am an alone at this moment. It is simply because that is not where my life has worked out at this moment. But I have no doubt that it will work out eventually, as I have no doubt that it will work out for you.

    Things do get better. Just not as easily, nor as swiftly, as we would like them to. (*hug*)
     
  3. unknownuser1990

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    Gen,

    Thanks for your welcome. I really appreciate it.

    Thank you for your kind words, they are of great comfort.

    I'm still feeling rather down at the moment I'm afraid. My brain continues to treat me to a cavalcade of "worst case scenarios" - everything from being alone in my declining years to being stuck in a job I hate to continuing to watch my peer group graduate through life.

    However, now that I'm slightly more lucid than perhaps I was I believe I can crystallise the way I feel about my entire life. I feel cheated. My entire peer group have been "fucking", loving, splitting up, making up, laughing, crying, dating, playing, having uncomfortable conversation, having those dates that just "work" and, eventually, getting hitched. They've had life experiences and are better for it.

    I feel cheated that the twin paths of successful monogamy and "fucking around" have either been closed to me due to my appearance (occasionally mediocre, occasionally grotesque) or some other aspect of my character. I often feel, "Why is it me?", "Why am the unremarkable face that drifts into a club and is dutifully ignored by the Alpha-Gay set?" (the reality that I am a white, middle-class, cis man isn't lost on me and I realise that this makes my complaints even more ingratiating)

    I read with intrigue your thoughts about confidence. It is undoubtably true that despite being a proficient public speaker and raconteur I have zero confidence or self-esteem. I think people who tell me I'm worth a "tuppeny-fuck" are usually humouring someone they find humour, perhaps endearing but not worthy of "love" in the conventional sense.

    Finally, thank you so much for your kind words. I hope that this forum provides support for individuals like me. I hate to think what would happen without it

    Thank you.
     
  4. Gen

    Gen
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    It definitely takes time.

    There is no question that your appearance is not mediocre or grotesque, but I will humor your claim of being fairly unremarkable for the moment. When did an unremarkable appearance become the worlds greatest flaw? I am going to take a leap of faith and assume that your taste in men doesn't consist solely of chiseled adonises. I am sure that a number of people would disagree with your appearance being regarded as unremarkable, but even in the case that it was it doesn't make you any less fascinating or desirable of a person. Some people won't see that, but those who are worth spending time with will.

    I would say that the best thing to do now is make an effort to surround yourself with more LGBTQ people, even if you have to step outside of your comfort zone to do so. Even if you already have some, meet the most people you possibly can because you never know which one of them could introduce you to a potential partner. Not to mention, there are just some things that heterosexuals won't be able to comprehend about the struggles of sexual minorities and this is definitely one of them.
     
  5. unknownuser1990

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    Gen,

    Once again, thank you for responding. I will take on board what you've said, you've been very insightful.