Some opinions and help please...closeted...denial?

Yes guys, I really am sorry, but this would be actually a really long post...

The story is pretty confusing and detailed so whoever's not interested please don't critique me...I'm still new to this and am really not making anyone deal with my sh*t as I'm being weak-willed...I would love to get some honest OPINIONS!

To start off I was his best friend back in high school especially senior year. I'm saying mainly his, because he started copying many of the things I used to do, say, music to listen to etc. We were in the same class, but all the character copying and imitations didn't happen until late junior/senior year. Out of nowhere he just started doing all of the things that I would do, he would prefer my company to anyone else's. He would love to go home at my house and bake a pizza together...just him and I. We both had girlfriends at the time and even his girlfriend was making the awkward jokes that would always imply that he's actually my boyfriend and she was asking for advice that one guy who came out as gay in our class, because they were having some sex problems (no erections...comments like - wash your mouth after the blowjob, I'm not some kind of a gay guy that would taste his own dick...etc.).

I later started noticing him (I used to be better at making friends and had a lot actually, so when he initially started following me everywhere and copying me, I didn't care that much, nor did I felt bad if he were not there, when we would go out as a group). I started paying attention to him in general and some of the stuff for which his girlfriend was jealous about and to feelings began to generate inside me. After a few signs from his side I decided to tell him. Signs like the "pizza making" where we would eat pizza and he would try to give me a bite from his hand, but then suddenly snap as if "oh no that's revealing me" and put it on the table for me to grab it alone, a lot of eye contacts and long ones with a typical really sweet small smile that appears on people's face when they're about to blush or when they're in love...give me his coat when I'm cold without even asking me...let me hug him when he is cold...following me around and looking at me (this I know from people around us)...etc.

I decided to tell him after senior year and when we were about to leave for college (we live in a small country and typically everybody's going somewhere out around the world to study).

So yeah, I told him and he asked of we could stay friends. There was no real "No", or an explanation of how he feels. That was all via facebook...sadly...but I'm a pu**y. On the same day I told him I was at this mutual friend of ours that knew about my feelings, and she decided to skype him, telling him that she kind of pushed me into telling him to which he replied - "I am not mad....what do you think?". Of course she played it off as she thinks that we would be great together, but she also made him think that she is partially on his side by telling him not to worry too much about it, so this conversation ended like this too...just kind of hanging...

I then stopped talking to him and contacting him on purpose and wanted to wait a year for the summer to come and to see him and see how he's going to act in person. He did confront me once during this year about not talking to him and how he wanted us to be the exact same friends to which I said that I can't promise and probably not, because some things we've done together made me fall for him and that they don't seem like only friendship things to do, to me. So anyway, I saw him when we all went back for the summer and we talked in person. His answer to the following question - "So what do you think about what I shared with you last September?", was - "I can't picture this happening ", "I don't know what is going to happen in for example 2 years, 3 years....5 years...at this point no.". I confronted him about a bunch of stuff that he's doing that seem like signs to me and flirting ones to be exact. After the talk he kept doing a lot of them or more like he added even new stuff. Like at the beach he wouldn't ask any of the girls from our crew(some of them are pretty hot themselves) to put sun lotion on him, he'd ask me, he slept with me on the same bed and was teasing me making me pillow fight him, sometimes trying to massage me but then pull back(because probably got scared or something I don't know), he folded all of my clothes when we were leaving from the hotel, he would make lots of eye contact, he would call me to sleep next to him without actually saying it( because I guess it was hard for him) fight with me in the sand at the beach, hug me through my waist at this one concert we went to with simultaneously giving me an eye contact...he even agreed for us to kiss "without setting it up when the moment comes"<-- those are his words actually...and that he would do it just for me<--again his words...and after every bunch of things that he would do, I would think to myself that maybe that's how he's showing that he wants to be with me, because after all he knows that I am in love with him, but then every time I try to seek explanation and have a convo about those things - he'd be like "oh well I wasn't realizing I was doing them that way", "I told you at this point no". Which to me seemed ridiculous. And then after each conversation things like those above would happen again.

At the end, he was really contradicting himself in our last conversation for that summer about the situation. He said things like - "well there's next year(about the kiss and in general)...we'll be back here again...there's skype and internet, you've said so many times that time and distance don't matter to you when it comes to relationships" etc. combined with "if next year things are the same then we'll stop being friends". That of course got me completely confused...I had no idea what the heck was going on...

That was the last day of last summer. I came to the US again and was supposed to wait one more year till I see him again it was awful...complete torture. In November, I decided to see where we were standing at, because this last conversation was so full of different meanings like every other one too, but this one the most, that I wanted to see what was going on. So I facebooked him and it was crazy. He started denying everything he has done over the summer, telling me that I've seen it through my eyes and that's not correct..and that he has done all those things to save our friendship. When I told him what he should have said, if here were to be straight - "I'm sorry man, but I am only attracted to girls" he was like " well that's exactly what I said" and blah blah which I assure you is different from his actual words - "At this point no, I don't know, I can't picture it"...he was starting to get rude and was telling me stuff like - There's nothing more than a friendship between us...and stuff like that...which apparently was not what he showed me throughout the summer...

So yeah...I stopped every single contact with him until this summer when he was more distant, but he was still showing signs and after a month of somewhat "a distance", we ended up again sleeping in the same bed when we were at this one hotel. He again would tease me during the night before we fall asleep so that I could pillow fight him and bite him (I even bit him on his ass), he would allow me to give him an hour long massages, I would always push my feet next to his under the cover when we're falling asleep and he wouldn't even try to move, he would get jealous and look really sad whenever I dance with these two hot girls that we met this summer that I actually do kind of like...just because they really are hot (nothing serious) and things like that...and then on my last night when my friends set up - "the going away for another year party", we started giving each other, again, signs like last year and he would make eye contact, so I was like OMG this is happening I can't believe it, because he was trying to be so distant during the summer, but then at the end he started showing me signs again with the hotel thing and this last night, during which I went to lay in bed next to him and we cuddled a lot and I was touching him underneath his t shirt, our feet were clenched together...so yeah it was amazing and I was thinking to myself that it's finally happening and I was so happy...I even heard from friends later on that day when I was on my flight that he's said that "the summer ended today" - and that was the 24th of July...they had like 2 more months left, but anyway..so yeah...One of my best friends tried to confront him a few days ago, and he pretty much said that he hasn't changed his mind or anything and he didn't want to be rude to tell me to not sleep with him in the hotel room, or that he didn't want to be rude to tell me to stop biting him and stuff like that...he's trying to play it off as if he doesn't remember the last night of cuddling... T

That's pretty much it...I have no idea what to do...or if he really has feelings for me. My friends (the ones that know about my crush on him) are sure that he is in love, but is in a lot of denial/closeted, due to his twin brother being an alpha male, his parents being rich and comparatively powerful in our country, being afraid of how people would accept him(he typically thinks a lot about what people think of him...trying to not show it, but it's sometimes noticeable)...It's still getting us confused though...how big of a fear could it be...are we all delusional that "straight" guys don't allow all of these stuff to happen or idk...it's all really pathetic and it developed to be such a prolonged story, that I decided to come and seek for some opinions from you guys.

I really apologize for the long post...you could even remove it if you think it's necessary..
I just wanted to talk to someone about this... (I'm not completely out yet)

P.S. I know a lot of you would probably get pissed at me for not "respecting" his words" the first time...but that was the problem...I was just feeling it...I was feeling that the words are not what he really feels...and I knew that actions show much more than words, and his actions were showing a looooot!!!

 

Anyone...? I know it's a long and repetitive post...but just like 10 minutes or so...

 

Thank you for that post. Yes you are right, I should get off of this roller coaster but it's just so hard. If I knew for a fact that his answer was really "no", or it is actually, but if only his actions would support those fake in my opinion words then it would have been dofferent... I wouldn't have wasted that much energy into it... none of these actions though, in my opinion would be completed by a straight guy

 

Anybody else to share some food for thought? I know that you're probably tired of all of these threads that talk about the same thing over and over again, but I also know that you guys do give a good judgment call and some great opinions that I would love to hear right now. :/

 

I see what you're trying to say and you have a point. Up at this moment there's no way he could send me those signals again because we're not going to see each other for another 10 months, and we also had a fight which was a big one and it seems like the very last thing that would ever happen between us. The problem is that the November chat last year that I've mentioned was the same...and then this summer even though he was a little distant at first, we again ended up with mixed signals, cuddling, and what not....and yes last year with all the confrontations and conversations that I was initiating I would tell him each time that if the answer is really "no " be can't be doing these things because I interpret them in a different way...I have even suggested not seeing each other anymore if it's that hard for him to pull away...(to which he got pissed)...so yeah, and then after each conversation as mentioned in the long post, things would repeat sometimes even with EXACT situations that I've mentioned to him what they mean to me...and that's where all the confusion comes from...

I realize that there's nothing I can do at least at this point, I just decided to post this thread for the sake of understanding whether I've been delusional completely or if we would all agree that there's a high chance of him being into me, but also being in complete denial

 

I'm becoming annoying now...but a response would be very well taken

 

Hello there, thank you for those responses. Well, I agree with the options you guys have mentioned, but I can hardly do any of them. As I mentioned in an upper post, this guy and I had a major fight, because of this situation about three weeks ago and I don't think we would ever be in contact unless we see each other, which would be next summer. Of course, I would love it if he contacts me and if the denial drives him crazy to a such extinct that he would finally admit his feelings (if he has any) although I'm not completely sure how long could people in denial hold these feelings inside of them....it feels like it's been too long now

---------- Post added 5th Oct 2014 at 06:52 PM ----------

And the other thing is that in reality I'm not sure thet he would ever "beg" for the cuddling etc. After all I was the one to initiate it, if I were not to go and lay beside him after he went to bed this probably wouldn't have happened (i'm talking about the last night of my going away party)

 

Can anyone please take some time and help me out, I can't sort this thing out on my own...d*mn it, I hate feeling desperate...

 

Ouch, yeah I see your point and everybody else's too, but why do you think nothing would change next summer...is the world that flipped and crazy now, that stuff like this happen and they mean completely nothing...? I'm not saying I want to wait forever and that I'll be sitting patiently and waiting for him to come to me, but I do want to keep this things to the side somehow and have it happen even after a few years.

 

What kind of bromance would continue to be just a bromance when I've talked to him about my feelings so many times and that the things he does are seen in that different way in my eyes....Yes, I know, I'm working on it, but it would have just given me a piece to the mind knowing that other people think somewhat my way. I'm not at all saying that this is what I want to hear or anything, all I wanted was to get opinions about his action and whether or not you guys think that he has hidden feeling, but doesn't want anything, because he doesn't want to have them or I don't know what other reasons....thank you very much for giving your advice, I appreciate it

 

Wow, as desperate as this may sound, that kind of gave me a hope that in reality there is a chance of us being together. I am not wasting my time waiting over that chance but I am definitely looking forward to it! Surprising, honestly ....but good!