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Told straight friend I am in love with him

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by terrified, Sep 14, 2014.

  1. terrified

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    For what certainly seemed like an agonisingly long time, I struggled with deep emotional feelings (and sexual attraction) to a straight friend in work.
    I read the many threads on here about people also going through the same situation as what I was going through, basically loving not only someone who doesn't and could never love you, but someone of a different sexual persuasion. I mean, a gay person (especially if closeted) falling in love with a straight man is totally more awful than a straight man falling for a straight woman (or the other way around).

    The guy I developed love for is straight, single (split up with his gf last year) and even has a kid (who stays with his ex-gf). I knew that I could never ever tell him how I felt, and knew also that nothing could ever happen. However my feelings just would not go away and only grew.

    I debated for a long time, as the feelings for him grew stronger and stronger, whether or not to open up to him about how I felt. I knew it was going to be a huge gamble and massive risk. I risked my entire friendship with him, either the termination of the friendship or at the very least having things changed in some way and/or made awkward between us. I eventually decided that my feelings of love for my friend were too strong, and that if I wanted to move on from it all, then telling him (no matter what kind of outcome I got) was most likely the only way to be able to get over things.
    It was too much in the end to keep inside to myself, with nobody to talk to.

    One day I just bottled up the courage and texted him that I am so sorry for the bad moods that I have been having recently, he texted back that it's ok, to which I then texted back no it's not ok....because I love you !

    The immediate response to this was not one of shock or surprise (although I do not know what he was like in person, as I was only texting him) but rather: "I am sorry, I cannot answer to your feelings as I do not feel the same way. All I can be is a friend to you. We can still be friends".

    I was stunned really by such a response and then went on to explain that I had been harbouring feelings of love for him for such a long time and that it was difficult for me to be going through. He said he could imagine how hard it has been for me and stressed that nothing could happen between us, and that he hoped one day I would find someone who felt the same towards me. I asked for his reassurance that we could still be friends, and stressed that I hoped that by telling him how I feel, that I would not have affected the friendship in any way. He said "it's ok with me" and that "it won't change anything". He then told me to go to sleep and that he would see me the next day.

    I told him in a text that I did not ever want him to feel uncomfortable around me, ever. He replied by again saying "it's ok with me". He told me I just had to try my best to get over it and find a way of "letting it go". I told him thanks for talking to me about stuff, even though only by text and not in person, and that I considered him one of my best friends.

    Well, now, we have never spoke in person about it since (it has been a couple months now) but we are still friends at work BUT he doesn't talk to me or laugh and joke to me as much as he used to before I told him....despite him saying it wouldn't change anything. He does generally seem OK with me...he will talk to me, but it seems often only when he has to. If I initiate conversation he will talk with me and even laugh with me if I try to make jokes with him, but I don't know, there is something I cannot put my finger on that seems to have "changed".

    He does not seem to be able to make eye contact with me some of the time, and doesn't approach me of his own free will anymore to initiate conversation. But like I say, if I do it, he seems fine, like just totally how it was before I told him about my feelings. He seems cool with me if I speak to him...it's just that it's taking me to always be the one initiating it, it seems.
    Does anyone know perhaps what's going on with him? He told me it's ok with him (his own words) that he understands and that nothing in the friendship (which I have always valued so, so much) would ever change. But it seems that, in a slight kind of way, it has?

    This is really getting me down and I would love to hear from other people on here...even just reading your responses and knowing there are people out there who I CAN indeed talk to about this, is something that I think will, make me me feel better.
     
    #1 terrified, Sep 14, 2014
    Last edited: Sep 14, 2014
  2. Quem

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    Hello terrified!

    First of all, he really is a good friend! He's very accepting. He might need some time to process this, though. He might feel sad or bad for you that he cannot return your feelings. Perhaps he doesn't want to be intimate, because it gives you some "hope". That's what he might think.

    Cheers,

    Quem
     
  3. terrified

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    Quem, thank you very much for taking your time out to respond to my post. I would like to update my story.

    We met up and talked things over a short while after I had made this post on here, I think maybe a week or so after. I tried my best to open up to him about how I felt (although it was too hard so I couldn't do it as much as I would have liked to). I basically explained to him that I love him so much, more than I have ever loved anybody and that I think of him all the time. I also said I get really jealous and upset when I see that he is talking and laughing with everyone else and not being exactly the same with me.

    He told me that I had to understand that of course, if he knows all of this, then it will change our relationship because it makes him feel uncomfortable but that we were still friends - he also made it clear that he is not (and I quote) "disgusted" about how I feel. He did say that he feels guilty when he can see that I am in a bad mood/upset, because he knows why I am feeling that way. He told me I need to find a hobby and start spending time with any friends I might have etc to keep my mind off of him and help to get over him. He had to go home and be with his son, so I didn't get to say all of the things I would have really, really loved to.

    Since this conversation, I can see very much he has made an effort to not treat me any different to everyone else at work; then after a little while, it kind of went back to being slightly awkward and this made me very upset. It seemed like it could change from one day to the next.
    He has since bought a new car and I am catching a lift with him into work now. He even offered me, so this shows me he must be comfortable with me , at least generally speaking.

    Ok so my feelings are only continuing to get stronger for him and grow, I honestly cannot possibly convey to anybody how much I absolutely love this guy. I feel that I would do anything for him , even lay down my life for him.

    I think about him constant, day and night, whether I am at work or not and sometimes now I get very little sleep because I am thinking about him (and crying over him); I recently went on holiday and it was hard to have a good time when I was just always thinking about him and knowing that nothing could ever happen and that the relationship had been affected by me making the foolish decision to open up to him.
    To somebody who did not understand love and had no comprehension of what it is to 100% truly love somebody, this would seem like an unhealthy obsession and a sign of mental illness.

    One night some people from work (including myself and the guy I love) went for a few drinks to say goodbye to one of our colleagues who was leaving. Of course alcohol makes emotions become magnified, so once I had got home that night I made the mistake of once again texting him opening up big time about how I felt. That I really, really loved him like I have never ever loved anybody else in my life, and that I was trying so hard to get over it. I told him that I found him to be the most beautiful human being that I have ever laid eyes on and that I just think he is the most amazing person ever.
    Much to my surprise, he actually responded, but just saying "I hope you get over it, the sooner the better". Again, much to my surprise, he was OK with me at work, too, despite this. This just showed to me more how much of a cool and amazing guy he really is that he is so accepting and understanding of my feelings.

    Between this time and just the other night, things have been quite good. The relationship has been going ok, just the odd things upsetting me (not just the fact I am experiencing reciprocated love) some of which may be only in my head but I don't know (like thinking he won't go to the toilet at the same time as me, for example...). A few little things like not showing me videos on his phone when he shows other people and stuff, starting to make me quite possibly overthink things...like maybe he is treating me like this deliberately to punish me for how I feel. I kept all my thoughts to myself.

    The other night he dropped me home from work in his new car - my emotions were really down because of my thought process...I texted him again, after staring at my phone for what seemed like forever, with tears in my eyes, and just said "I am always going to love you" and asked him if it was ok for a lift to work next week. I quote to you the text that he sent me: "I don't want you to ever message me like this ever again. And yes, you are ok for Monday".

    Have I done it this time? Have I messed things up beyond repair? Does anybody else know what I am going through? Has anyone ever experienced love so strong? I know I cannot ever, ever have anything with this guy, be it sexual or romantic or both, he is straight and doesn't like me, but yet despite knowing this, I cannot seem to be able to change my feelings at all whatsoever (they only get stronger).

    I guess I want to know what to do now, what to say to him (it surely cannot just be left like this...maybe I need to just pour my heart out to him once and for all?) - how do I get over this? Does he hate me? This time last year, we were dead good friends, I feel that I have lost this now...will any friendship now just be for the sake of having to work with me and be false? I am frightened of facing him tomorrow. I don't want this person to hate me, he's the love of my life.

    I realise I am wasting so much time and energy, wasting my life, thinking about him when nothing can ever happen between us. But as I have already said, I just cannot stop how I feel and despite trying to keep my mind and my life occupied, I feel that loving him is just ruining my life.

    I am in a very, very bad way over all of this, and am very worried about my future.
     
    #3 terrified, Dec 7, 2014
    Last edited: Dec 7, 2014
  4. KyleD

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    If you continue like this you are going to lose him as a friend. If you really love him you would let it go.
     
  5. OnTheHighway

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    Agree with the last post, you need to let him go. It's really fantastic that you had the courage to tell him how you felt. Everyone should have the same courage. Given he said it would not work because he is straight, that could not be any clearer that you need to move on.

    It's so much better to know that a relationship will not work than to be second guessing yourself for a lifetime. In this case, you know. It's painful, but there will be other guys out there for you and you would be wasting a lot of energy and emotions if you reminded attached.

    Go have a good cry, get it out of your system, and move on. It's in your best interest to do so.
     
  6. shotonthechest

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    I don't exactly know how to help, but I understand you. I'm in love with a straight woman who is married and even has kids. I know how the unrequited love feels like, but I wouldn't get the courage to actually open up to her. So right now I consider you my hero for what you've done and for how strong you stay all the time.
     
  7. bookreader

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    Let him go. I know it's tough but you're gonna lose him if you keep telling him you love him.
     
  8. Mystory

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    I think you really need to meet someone who is gay or at least bisexual. There's always an appeal with being attracted to that 'straight' friend of ours. You are attracted to the qualities associated with a 'straight' friend, that is- someone who is caring, someone who is attractive, someone who is patient and understanding, perhaps someone who is masculine or not overly feminine; these are the qualities associated with a friend- a person with who you can have a great time with. Just remember that, these qualities can also be found in gay or bisexual men..

    I know that it doesn't seem like the answer, but it really really helps to just meet some gay or bisexual men- to feel what it feels like to have your love requited... Naturally once you have that satisfaction of actually being loved back by someone that you love in return, these longings for your straight co-worker will dissipate.

    Sometimes, as notorious as they are, apps really do help and work with networking and allowing you to meet gay people.
     
  9. MissBookworm

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    As crushing as it is, (although as a thirteen year old I have not yet experienced real love) you can't change somebody's sexuality. He might feel more comfortable around you if you got a boyfriend, or somehow showed him, without being too blatant, that you're over him, even if you really aren't. Don't hope that he'll suddenly wake up one day and realize that he's actually gay and suddenly starts dating you. Besides, any friendship is bound to change if one professes their love to another, no matter if the sexualities match up or not.
     
    #9 MissBookworm, Dec 8, 2014
    Last edited: Dec 8, 2014
  10. Melanie

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    Yeah I agree with the others. He was really amazing in his response to you, and he sounds like he cares about you as a person, but hes not available to you. He has made that clear.

    I would stop taking the rides with him unless you absolutely have to. Not for him but for you. It will make it much MUCH easier for you if you turn as much of your attention away from him as possible to other things and other people. There is someone out there that will return the feelings... someone out there that will love you back. You deserve it.
     
  11. Tectonic

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    It'll be much easier to get over him when he ends your friendship. Why continue telling him how you feel? He knows already and he told you it didn't matter. Now your're just gonna creep him out and push him away.

    Stop telling him that you love him. There is nothing there to be had. There's no light at the end of that tunnel. There's only an ex-friendship.
     
  12. jeepsy

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    Hello Terrified :slight_smile:

    I been in a similar situation before and just like you, i confessed and it wasn't returned. I dont wanna make this really long but the way I got over him was that I let him go but more like I left him. Because we went to the school and lucky for me, we were about to graduate so after graduation I completely eliminated him from my life.

    Sadly, you guys are working together and what's worse is that you are holding on to him. Nothing would stay the same after that confession. You're feelings will probably remain. If you keep him, sooner or later, you'll be really hurt because he might find someone.

    So my advice is to slowly let him go. Start by not taking a ride in his car, talk to him lesser, exercise, keep yourself busy! Your feelings will soon subside (sadly not gone) but you have to distant yourself. I know it's difficult but don't put yourself through so much pain! Hopefully this helps
     
    #12 jeepsy, Dec 9, 2014
    Last edited: Dec 9, 2014
  13. terrified

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    Ok everybody thank you all for your responses. Shotonthechest, I shall reply to your via private message soon.

    I just want to update you all on the situation.

    I have done a lot, and I mean A LOT, of very difficult thinking over the past few days, hours on end. I have decided that in order to get over him and to try to begin to "let it go", I really need to meet with him for one final time, to get everything out of my system. User Tectonic said what is the point in telling him when he already knows, that is a very fair point, but I just think that for me to be able to move on that it's best for me to pour my heart out to him and convey what he means to me and how hard it has been for me also, and that I am going to start to try to get over him and leave it all behind - I want him to know that, too.

    He has agreed to give me a ride to work next week, so I will use that as my opportunity to draw a line under things. I will apologise for bringing it up again and will explain that this is something that I feel I need to do in order for me to be able to attempt to move on from him; hopefully he will be understanding of that.

    I intend on explaining that I am well aware that the friendship has irreparable damage, that I still want to be friends but that at the same time I accept that things could never be how they were before he knew of my feelings. I shall explain that I kept telling him because it had been so incredibly difficult for me, that I have never been in love like this before or felt so strongly for somebody. Despite being straight, I would love it if he would be touched that somebody feels that way about him (no matter the gender). Alas, I doubt it very much.

    There is so, so much that I want to say to him to be able to draw a close to this. I really want him to know my feelings have caused me so much misery and emotional agony, that my life has been temporarily ruined and so much time and emotional energy has been spent on giving attention to love that I know will never be reciprocated, and that I have been foolish to do this. What's the betting I don't have the courage to say most of what I want to say to him, if any of it, when the day actually comes? We will see. I hope so.

    However it goes, you will all be informed. I appreciate everyone in this forum very much and I am touched by all your replies, if it wasn't for you guys (and girls), I would have nobody.
     
    #13 terrified, Dec 19, 2014
    Last edited: Dec 19, 2014
  14. terrified

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    Been doing further thinking before I get the ride to work with him tomorrow - would some of you just it is best to explain only very briefly during the ride that I am genuinely sorry for what I've done, that I never meant to make him feel awkward and that his friendship (even though irreversibly changed now) is still so important to me; that I cannot help my feelings for him, have never been in love with someone so strongly before and that I would appreciate it if he would understand that?

    I am very fearful of breaking down in front of him when doing this, I don't know what would happen if that happened. I feel I can start to try and move on after speaking him but not before so I need to do this, I am just terrified.
     
    #14 terrified, Dec 20, 2014
    Last edited: Dec 20, 2014
  15. greatwhale

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    Hey I know how you feel, but I think talking to him one more time will make things worse and may very well end your friendship.

    What is lacking here is his point of view. Yes you have described how he reacted, and he reacted well, although I am also seeing obvious signs of discomfort on his part (which is quite predictable). What I am also seeing is a focus on you trying to "let it go" by unloading your burden of feeling onto him. What I'm trying to say is that the focus is on what you want and not on maintaining your platonic friendship.

    I would not speak of it anymore, rather when you see him, give him a sealed letter of apology, keep it simple, sincere and brief. Don't mention your love, don't even mention what happened, just an apology and your hope that the friendship will persist.
     
  16. OGS

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    I agree with Greatwhale. If you intend to have any sort of friendship with this person when the dust settles it can't be all about you. And I have to say the way you describe what you want him to know is basically that you want him to know that he ruined your life--what a terrible thing to lay on someone for just being themselves. It's really not very "friendly" at all IMO. I'm sorry you're going through this but please don't insist on dragging this poor guy who sounds like he's been remarkably decent about the whole thing through it with you.
     
  17. Justme123

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    I dont normally post but felt the need to after reading this thread. I went through something similar (although a little bit harder for me because my friend didn't have the strength to communicate with me that he wasn't interested, he was just simply unable to express his feelings. And his feelings were that he wasn't interested). Because he wasn't able to share with me these feelings, I kept pushing like you are. I totally understand how you feel, you need some closure. But you also are really still in love with him, and while thats driving your need to talk to him again, you are prob actually hoping that he will suddenly reciprocate.

    Don't get me wrong, I can totally sympathize with your situation. But I can't say this strongly enough. Let it go! LET IT GO! Seek therapy and use that as an opportunity to share your feelings. I did, and it works. Go exercise. Find a gay event and join (easier said than done, I have been out for four years and still have zero gay friends). Just do something else. Stop interacting with him. I can almost guarantee you that if you continue like this and have any further conversations it will even more so tear you apart, and will make things worse. I say this from experience.

    I wish you all the best and hope you heed my advise. Good luck
     
  18. Melanie

    Melanie Guest

    A big part of the reason that you should not be doing this. I'm pretty sure you're going to do what you want.

    Again, he has been PHENOMENALLY understanding until now. I'm pretty sure that unless he has some other compelling reason to stay on good terms with you, if you dont drop this now you will destroy this friendship, and then you will feel even worse.

    It may help you to reread your own posts and see how many times you have told him youre in love with him, how many times you have already pretty much said you were sorry, and how many times he has told you that hes not available to you. Step back and pretend this isnt you involved. What does it look like to you?
     
  19. terrified

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    Greatwhale, can you please help me with the letter. Even with something simple I am struggling what to say, EXACTLY.

    ---------- Post added 20th Dec 2014 at 12:19 PM ----------

    What do I say when I give it to him?
     
  20. terrified

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    I'm extremely scared that one day he may confide in someone else about how I feel about him, do you think the chances of this are? Would it be reasonable for me to ask him never to do so (with me not being "out" to most people).

    ---------- Post added 20th Dec 2014 at 01:00 PM ----------

    @Greatwhale, I am desperate for some help with the letter, as he is picking me up tomorrow. Can I let him know that I appreciate so much that he is STILL my friend after knowing what he does and that the fact he has been so great about things will always mean the world to me?
     
    #20 terrified, Dec 20, 2014
    Last edited: Dec 20, 2014