My straight best friend and our blurred lines

Hi everyone.

I ended up on here reading several threads trying to glean some advice for a situation I'm in and was overly impressed by how wise many of you are. Though the threads I read have some strong parallels to my situation, I figured I would write this post to try to hone in on my exact dilema.

A co-worker of mine and I have grown to be the best of friends over the past 5 years. We'll call him Mike. I am very openly gay and have been long before I met Mike, and Mike has always identified as straight. Thoughout our friendship we have both had long-term, healthy relationships with our preferred genders, and have been happy - as friends ought to be - for each other.

We spend much of our time together...at the office, going for lunch everyday, going for drinks after work, socializing on the weekend. I know his family very well and am often invited to family-only engagements (not by Mike but by his family directly). I really have become family.

There had been times in the past that Mike had asked if I thought he was gay. I have always thought he's open to loving and being loved by anyone! But I truly never thought of him as gay. He's from a very, very small town and although we both now live in a major, very liberal city with 5+ million people, I'm really his first and certainly main view into thebgay world. We've gone to gay bars together and he's extremely comfortable, but always tries to pick up females there and like I said, I really always saw him as totally straight. But I know he's looked at me with admiration that I can be totally authentic, confident, and gay. Dont think he thought they could coexist.

Anyway, there has been no question that in 5 years we have developed real deep love for one another...and up until 4 months ago I never thought of anything other than that love being purely platonic. That is, until he crawled into bed with me one night and initiated quite the makeout session. I was taken aback but didnt fight it. I let him take the lead as I have each day since then. At first it was very 'no kissing on the mouth'! That has progressed now to virtually no boundaries. It has been 4 months and about 1 or 2 times a week. Sometimes it's just cuddling all night but even one night he asked if I would penetrate him. (I know!)

We've kept things under wraps at work and I think I'm ok with that. We've been recently having deeper conversations and talked about how much we love each other and love where we're at, but he does often say things are starting to get wierd. I stress that I want the friendship to be saved regardless so if things get too wierd for him we have to stop. It hasnt stopped him from coming over yet.

Here's the main problem though. He has been seeing a girl who lives out of the country for a while (before things started getting heated with us) though he sees her very sporadically (only 3 weekends in 7 months). He likes her but always says that it's just fun and he's glad she's not local. Well, they just met in Las Vegas for the weekend and of course I know that it was a sex-filled weekend and have seen many social media posts of them at the pool, going out for fancy dinners, etc. I give him some credit that it has been her posting and he isnt having her tag him in the photos, although I know she would want to.

We talk every day but this weekend he gave me an early note about his blackjack status and JUST texted me right now for a final "up 5K". otherwise hasnt said a word all weekend. I have been riddled with jealousy. Done everything I can to keep my mind off it. I know on some level he needed to have a super, macho, straight-sexed weeked, but it tore me apart.

I say that I want to ensure the friendship is salvaged above all else, but I am madly in love and would be devistated to halt the romantic side of our relationship. I knew from the beginning this was playing with fire. He shares many of the feelings I do, but I genuinely believe pulling off a true relationship may be impossible. He comes back tonight and we of course will catch up at work tomorrow. Do I listen to the gorey details like a best friend would? Do I let him know that I'm actually uncomfortable like a lover would? Or maybe do I use this as an opportunity to start to pull back completely and fall out of love because I know that sometime, just sometimes, it would appear that love -no matter how deep- just isnt enough.

Heartbroken even before the breaking of my heart. :icon_sad:

 

Definitely hear you loud and clear. I have certainly been very open as of late and he knows exactly how I feel. I suppose what I haven't done is pushed further on how he feels and where he really sees this going. I guess I have thought it is best to wait for him to let me know in his own time since he may not be sure or he may be sure and isn't ready to be fully honest.

But you are right. The longer we stay in this limbo period, the more it will hurt if things were to fall apart.