Yesterday was an interesting day for me… <friend 1> Got up in the morning, took a shower, put on moisturizer, walked the puppy, ate food and then decided to call up one of my friends (spoiler, he is 100% straight) to play billiard. So we meet up (he was late as usual) and we start talking and walking towards the bar with the tables and… we go there, we play a few games (I totally suck at the game by the way) and then we decide that we are hungry and we go eat (I kind of cheated on my diet…). Anyway, at this time “friend 2” calls and asks me to come on over so I tell him I’ll call back and close, to avoid being rude to “friend 1”. Anyway, we were done with the food and we went out and later parted ways. <friend 2> So I call this guy to tell him that I’ll be over his house in like 45 minutes or something (bus was slow). He actually called me in the bus to make sure I was coming… I haven’t seen this guy in quite a while, was even worried that something happened to him. So I go there, ring the doorbell and he opens the door with this huge grin and starts complimenting me about how I’ve lost weight and blah, blah, blah, which was kind of making me feel silly considering I was stuffed with food from the previous “date”. So we talk about stuff then he rolls up a joint as usual and starts smoking in front of me and at this point I realize that it’s kind of pointless talking with him about important stuff so I decide I’ll leave, at which point some guy (another of his friends) shows up and quickly eyed me up at the door. As I was leaving (before his other friend actually showed up) he made this remark “dude you are clearly gay, by the way you dress” and I was like… “wtf”, because I wasn’t sure of what I heard… I was indeed dressed quite nicely but… dressed “gay”?! That was, both making me feel good and bad at the same time. <friend 3> I was walking down to the bus stop and my phone rings, this other guy asks me when I’ll be home so we arrange stuff and I get home and like… 5 seconds after I opened the door, he rang the doorbell from downstairs (I live in an apartment building). So we met up I invited him and we talked about what we were going to do… We went out, walked a bit, talked… then went to eat (yeah, more food… yay diet!). So we (mostly me) ate, this guy was kind of “leeching” off of me because he was short on money. So anyway, after that I am feeling pretty fat… and we go take a walk in the park (ice cream on the way for me, because at this point I was “meh fuck the diet, today I’ll indulge myself). We walk and walk and talk and at one point I drop my ice cream so I get a new one and we walk some more and it’s like 22.00 (10pm for you American guys with your crazy clocks and stuff), so we walk and walk and… suddenly he says this: “Hey we should find a bench to sit and cuddle”. Now before I tell you my reaction I should describe this guy first. I always had a feeling he was if not gay, then at least bi… But he is not very… err, “sharp” if you know what I mean? Also he is always not very serious in what he says, he’s just, and it’s hard to explain. Bottom line is that I actually don’t like him both as a person and in general… he looks terrible (for god’s sake, he has nose hairs going almost to his lips). But anyway, we were in school together so I know him from a long time and I just “endure” his company when I have nothing better to do… Because at this point in life my standards and expectations are so low that I’d settle for anything, just to not be alone. Obviously all this is speaking from a purely “friends only” perspective. So I was kind of in the mood “meh whatever” so I actually agreed and we walked and found a secluded place and sat next to each other. At which point I was seriously thinking that this was just another one of his poor attempts at being “goofy”. Then suddenly he wraps his hands around me and… I let him. Then I decide to see how “serious” he actually is and I wrapped my hands around him and… as we sat there I pushed more and more… and even went under his shirt and had a somewhat good “examination” of his upper body, then I was like… “Is this really happening” and seeing as how he was okay with it or so I thought… “Why not, apparently I can’t find anything better”. So I slipped my hand under the elastic band of his boxers and… started slowly going down and suddenly he stops me… and says he only wants to cuddle. And I’m like… wtf?! So we talk and I make several attempts and he always stops me saying stuff like “dude I’m straight”, “I only want to cuddle”… So after some time when I finally saw that nothing was going to happen I decided the night should end as it was getting pretty late. It’s not as if this guy hasn’t given me hints before… to which I always replied that he wasn’t my type (which is the actual truth), I just don’t know… Now the problem… I don’t like the guy, like… at all, still don’t. Now I feel “dirty” and “used” and… crappy. I can’t believe my standards have dropped so low that I was willing to do all this with a guy who I don’t even feel attracted to (I mean he is really… really ugly! Also his personality is crappy, he blatantly uses me whenever he can). Since this was my first “cuddling” experience with another guy, I am actually crying right now… trying desperately to force myself into thinking that all this was nothing else but an experiment or… I don’t know… that at least from all this I got some experience about what to do, where to do it and how… I hate myself so much right now, I just… don’t know what to do. I always thought that my first time (well, when I say first time I mean kiss, but… I don’t know, does cuddling sort of count?!) would be special and with someone I was deeply in love with and who loved me back… At one point during said encounter I even tried to “force” myself to like this guy but… nope, wasn’t happening. I was in the mindset that, well… if I can’t get a boyfriend any other way, might as well settle for him?! Which I know is completely wrong! This also makes me hate myself even more. I just want to forget all this happened and hopefully find someone who I can fall in love with and who will fall in love with me… Is that so much to ask? Am I destined to be alone forever?! Fun fact… back in the day (my school years), when life for me was very hard to the point of me actually thinking of ways to end my life… After I sort of “got over” the whole “wanting to kill myself” I actually forced myself into thinking that I don’t deserve to be happy and don’t deserve friend and that I would spend the rest of my life alone. In fact, this way of thinking has sort of… helped me not think about suicide for about 3 straight years… Then suddenly something changed, got a dog, started feeling happy, one year ago decided to lose weight…now I’m actually, honestly happy! I have no job, almost no friend, no boyfriend, my family resents me for failing school and not having a job… and yet I’m actually happy and optimistic about my future… Until, something like this happens… Sorry for the long post, just wanted to vent somewhere.
That was quite the long post but since these generally don't receive that much attention I will throw some advice out there. Now some of this is based on some of my experiences and some of it is based on my thoughts about what you wrote so take it as you like. First off, you mentioned a couple times that you felt used, but to be honest, the entire post it really seemed like you were the one who was using him. You wanted to cuddle and get laid with a guy who you don't even remotely like seeing or talking to. Whether or not you had convinced in your mind that you couldn't do better, you really have no intention of being serious with this guy and thought you would get laid. Therefore, I think it is unfair for you to make it seem like he was using you. I understand that you wanted to reserve cuddling (which was essentially all that happened) for a guy you were compatible with, but it doesn't seem like very much happened and I think this is a pretty common occurrence for many people to end up having these interactions with "straight" guys. Bottom line, I wouldn't put too much emphasis on what happened physically with him. It is okay to feel the way you do, but honestly there is no need for you to feel bad or like you wasted your experience. Now, more importantly, I think if you are looking to find and develop healthy relationships with people, whether friends or more, you cannot have this attitude that you are never going to have friends or love. Even though you just described hanging out with 3 friends on the same day, saying you have no friends really isn't a good way to be happy. That way of thinking is basically a self-fulfilling prophecy because you will always find ways to make it end up so that you can keep that view of yourself. In order to develop strong relationships that are mutually supportive, it is important to be able to love yourself so you can accept love from other people. Getting a good job and losing weight is generally a great start to giving people confidence, but you need to dig deep and realize you deserve friends too and are worthy of good friends and love. That type of confidence is very attractive for most people. Anyways, you had a lot going on so my response may be kind of jumbled. Take from it what you will. Good luck
Thanks for the tip about keeping posts short. Really have this bad habit of going crazy on the keyboard… I guess I was in fact using this guy even if I wasn’t actually willing to “get laid” in the full sense of the word, I was curious to see how far things would go. Trying to think positively about yourself is something that I am in fact trying to do but, often it’s harder than it should be. Like for example, I was standing at the bus stop today and was really happy with myself, then… some girl gave me this look that was like “do I have something on my face” or something… And all my confidence went out the window. Or some other time, I’m walking in the city and suddenly pass near a store and see my reflection and the first thought that comes to mind is “is that how horrific I look to other people” Anyway, being gay and ugly and shy (and I mean, really shy!!!) is a very bad combo… So I don’t think my fears of ending up all alone are unjustified, even if I do force myself to not think about it. Thanks for taking the time to actually reply to my post, I really appreciate it!
No problem. Thinking positively is a long road and it never gets 100% perfect for anyone. Everyone has insecurities that they latch on to and focus on despite all the positive qualities each of us possess. It is important to remember that just because you think those things (for example when you see yourself) doesn't mean others are thinking that. You just justify to yourself that thats how others must see you because your confidence is low. Everyone finds different features attractive and certain ones you don't like about yourself, others may find very attractive. Try to keep that in mind.
