Where do I start??? Basically I met this guy through my work about 18 months ago. We instantly bonded, same interests, same sense of humor, I've never become such close friends with someone so quickly. We hung out all the time, went out drinking, gym etc, talked about the girls we got with, we got along like a house on fire. From the start we were always very comfortable around each other. When we would come home after a night out he would sleep in my bed with me and I didn't feel uncomfortable about it at all. My brothers (who I live with) made comments about how they thought it was weird. Many of my other friends who met him told me they thought he was gay and into me, based on the way he behaved when we were together. I brushed their statements aside and defended him, I said we were just really good friends. We talked on fb chat nearly every day, sent snapchats to each other daily and texted way way more than I ever had with any of my male friends before. At first I thought it was full on, because he initiated it but after a while I got used to it and didn't think anything of it. Aside from that there were a few things that happened which made me wonder if there was something more than just friendship going on. Several times while we were sleeping in the same bed he spooned me (this is after a drunk night out). I was surprised that I didn't feel uncomfortable about it, I actually found it comforting and enjoyed the intimacy of it, I think at that point I thought it was just a show of affection. Another time when we had come home after a night out he took his underwear off and was sleeping naked in my bed. I did think that was a little too far and was a bit taken aback but he put them back on a couple hours later and neither of us mentioned it the next day. (There was no spooning that night). So, all of a sudden one day I realise that I am feeling very complex emotions towards this guy. Emotions that I have only ever felt with girls before. I looked forward to seeing him next, I would get butterflies in my stomach and enjoy every second of his company. When he left I would miss him and feel mopey and think about him constantly. I found all of this extremely confusing and it took me many months to finally admit to myself that I actually loved him. Before I met him I would have considered myself straight. I never had any desire to hook up with another guy and had never experienced any emotional attraction towards a guy before. I keep going through stages where I think I'm being ridiculous, that he is straight and definitely doesn't feel the same way about me and that I am overanalysing every little detail and misinterpreting his platonic friendship. Then, when I have finally convinced myself to try and snap out of it he does something that pulls me right back in again, when we were out one night (we were both very drunk) and on the dancefloor in a club, he lay his head on my shoulder and left it there for at least 5 minutes. I held the back of his head and we just stood there, not worrying about anyone around us. I found it very intimate and tried to tell myself he was just drunk and tired but I felt something there that was more than that. Other times when we have been sleeping in the same bed I might momentarily wake up and his hand is touching my back or my arm, when I move and he realises I'm awake he will move it away but then I will wake up again later and it will happen again. Again, I told myself that I was reading too much into it and it was all fantasy but I don't think most straight guys would do this??? We went to the movies with a couple other friends last week and many times when he went to grab his drink or something to eat he would brush his arm against mine and leave it there for an extended period of time. I didn't move my arm away and he didn't seem to care. Anyway over the past month or so I have noticed that he has become more reserved. We still hang out often but he cut back majorly with texting/snapchats etc. He seems like he is holding back and it is really bugging me. Originally I missed the amount of contact we had and wondered why he had slowed down so much with it. Then I got worried that he somehow found out how I felt and was starting to reduce the amount of contact because I was freaking him out. I told myself that I was going to snap myself out of it and push these feelings away and I thought it was working for a while. Then I saw him again the other day and realised that they were stronger than ever. I don't want anyone else, I think he is beautiful and I love everything about him. I know that realistically it is probably never going to happen, my family at least would be very shocked if I brought a guy home with me to meet. I think my friends would be supportive but I know that they would still act differently around me. If I could just erase these feelings I think I would, I wish I could just go back to being buddies like when we first met but I don't think I'm capable of doing that. The only other time I've ever felt this strongly for someone was a girl that I loved deeply but she didn't feel the same way. It took me 3 years to finally get over her. I just feel like I don't want to even try to meet anyone else or try dating because no one else can compare at all. So basically my head is a clusterfuck at the moment. I don't know what to do, and I know that if I lost his friendship I would be devastated. Any advice or similar experiences would be much appreciated. And sorry to everyone for the epically long post....
Hello bounced and welcome to EC! First of all, it's not uncommon that once falls in love with a good (straight) friend. I wonder, however, how you know he is straight? Do you assume he is? You must realise that some people appear straight, when in fact, they are not. His behaviour does not have to indicate his sexuality. He could be straight, bisexual, gay or anything else when he has not told you. Honestly, a straight guy would probably not spoon another guy. It's possible, a sign of a very good friendship, but it could also be something more. Try to contact him, try to hang out, get to know his opinion on LGBT matters. If you are interested in him, go for it! :icon_bigg Good luck!
It's not nearly as easy as that... I am petrified of losing him as a friend, I would rather live forever not being together than him never speak to me again. Aside from all the 'evidence' that I have witnessed, he has stated on multiple occasions that he doesn't like gay people and that he thinks they are unnatural. He told me that once one of his friends (who was off his face on drugs) asked him to suck his dick. His response to that was to end the friendship and he never spoke to him again. If I roll up and tell him i have feelings for him out of the blue then I can only assume the same thing will happen, and I'm not willing to risk that. I have a very large extended family who are incredibly close who I know would support me if I brought a guy home to meet them, but I still know that there will be talk, and joking, and they will see me differently. (I have a lesbian cousin who members of my family, even myself included, joke around about and make fun of when she's not around) I need help dealing with and coming to terms with these feelings, knowing that I will never be able to act on them or have them reciprocated (at least not in the near future). How do I reconcile the deep emotions that I have when every time I see him they seem to become more intense? Any advice would be greatly appreciated...
The vast majority of the users here can relate I'm sure. This scenario seems to be one of the top "first posts" people share so you are not alone. First, you have admitted you "love" him to yourself. Have you considered what this means? You don't seem to discuss whether you think you are bisexual or gay as a result. If you don't find any other guys attractive this could be a deeply emotional bond that straight friends can certainly have. If I were you, I would take some times to think about this. Is this a one-off love, as in a really deep friendship, or indicating something more that you might need to explore and think about? Really being emotionally attached to another guy doesn't mean your gay, so I don't mean to cause "alarm," but just make sure you understand your feelings before moving forward. As for the "evidence" you have shared. No perfectly straight guy drunk or sober is going to want to spoon with another guy apart from maybe a two second attempt at being funny nor would they be inclined to sleep in your body, and naked at that. But, as always, you have to assume he is straight until he tells you otherwise. Also, a lot of times people say, "I can't imagine not having him as a friend." Which is perfectly understandable, no one wants to lose a friend. But what if this "limbo" that you are living in lasts for another year, two or five? Surely, that would prevent you from finding a person who shared your feelings (whether it's a guy or girl) or just being happy in general.
This doesn't mean anything actually.. There are people who dislike things that apply to themselves. So it's not really a strong indication. Admitting you have feelings for him is not the same as telling him to suck your d#ck. If a friend said to me he had feelings for me, I would accept it. Not because I'm bi, no, because I'm his friend. I would tell him (if I don't like him) that I cannot return his feelings. I would support him. Now if a friend asked me to suck his dick, it's a whole different issue. I would not like that all and tell him that I don't like such behaviour. - I see what you mean, but does it really matter what others think of you? I know it's not nice of them to say those things, but it's for the sake of your own happiness. I think that's more important.
Just be yourself, if he can't accept you then he doesn't deserve your friendship. You have to realize that right now the most important person in your life is you, and you have to make you happy before anything else. Chasing after someone constantly is not happiness. It is desperation for happiness and love. If he can't accept you for who you really are then you probably shouldn't be friends. And even though he was drunk, a straight guy probably wouldn't sleep naked in your bed. Same room maybe, but not the same bed. Unless he was really so drunk that the alcohol was moving for him. Which I really don't think that should be the case. Don't tell him your feelings flat out though, maybe unless he's really drunk again that might muddle his mind enough to ignore it or even forget it. If he forgets it then at least you can say that you've already told him. But I hope this helps and good luck.
Just skimmed through all of this due to laziness... sorry if i missed something. So basically this guy was hitting on you and was giving you hints left and right and... you friendzone him (that thing with you defending him in front of your friends). Then he starts giving even more hints and you still are not receptive... Obviously the guy got the hint and stopped being so pushy to preserve your friendship, since you're "obviously" not into him... Try seeing things from his perspective. Also, saying that you hate gay people doesn't automatically mean you yourself are not gay. Referring to your friend. I myself have done this, on several occasions. In my early days, as means to make myself believe that i am not gay and at later stages in life, to "protect" my little secret in front of straight friends, that i'm actually gay. Imagine if this guy has the same fears as you, that you will stop being his friend if you found out he was gay... This would be so ironic! Also, yeah, severing bonds with a guy who is overdosing on drugs seems like a logical thing to do, how is this relevant to the whole situation? You're focusing on the wrong thing here... he was a drug addict, breaking a friendship over something like a "drunken" "hey can i blow you", is something only a very shallow person would do, and i'm guessing your future to be boyfriend is everything but that, or else why would you like him so much. Now... muster up the courage, go to him and have a little chat about your feelings and his! Also, maybe... don't admit that you like him but... start with telling him you're gay or maybe ask if he likes you like more than a friend, then take it up from there. As payment for my services i accept chocolate chip cookies and ice cream (vanilla with caramel syrup and chocolate chips).
Hey, Bounced. I don't really have any advice, I'm sorry to say, but I'm kind of in the same boat. So, if you ever need a shoulder to lean on or someone to talk to, please, shoot me a message.
I hope that the reason he is being distant isn't because I gave him the impression that I thought it was too full on etc. Thinking about it, there are many circunstances where I get jealous and feel resentment towards his behaivour but I have displayed the exact same behaivour too so I guess he could feel the same way, but I still find it hard to believe. How do you know that the guy that was off his face was a drug addict? I admit without shame that I take drugs recreationally and I certainly am not a drug addict. This guy who propositioned him now has a gf and certainly doesn't seem to be gay but my friend still disowned him immediately. If I sit him down and tell him that I'm into him I can only imagine he'll react the same way, potentially tell everyone I know and my life will be ruined.
