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is it truly just over? Was this my fault?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by gamercody, Sep 22, 2014.

  1. gamercody

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    Soo... I know I'm new but best part of the forum is I can just rant and not be judged.

    Sooooo here's my story of hell.

    Background information:
    Myself: Anxiety, Depression, emotional issues
    Former Partner: Aspergers Now on autism spectrum. He's super smart, intellectual.

    We had dated over a year and a half nearly.

    While we dated a lot had occurred, we were happy never fought once for over 5-7 months, he then got a job at Burgerking, then we would hangout, he would live with his sister for 5-6 months, then moved in with his mom, our time was limited, we then still were able to be together, hangout though and no fights still other than time limitations were painful and it was hard for him to text me everyday, every few hours would've sufficed.


    After awhile, he continued living with his mother, had no worries on him starting to drink, smoke anything, he then gets an idea to move in with his friends


    So he before he does this asks me what I felt or how to feel because he wanted to move in with them, I was all... "Oh, well I guess it'll be great..."

    His reply: "Oh by the way they smoke"
    (Btw, no this is not legal everywhere ESPECIALLY in Nebraska/Iowa areas)

    I of course informed him no, it would be unwise, besides we could move in together eventually after my classes at the time would end...


    He ignored my idea, moved in anyways and this is where we started having issues.

    After 5-6 months of him with them they have pushed him into it, and he of course says no, but we all know what peer pressure is, friends do not have to do much to persuade you to do something...

    Anyways he then decides, to try it, we have a fight, his friends of course do not like me or least if they do they don't show themselves as "thrilled" around me.


    So we did fight, I did ask him why can't we move in together, he got the idea of separate living places as we get used to eachother less than an hour and a half away...

    I figured this to be odd, being as why wouldn't you move in and just see?

    Anyways We fight over it,

    Then after a few more months, I inform his friend let's call her Ashley.

    Ashley and I talked with her fiancé present.

    I asked her nicely, well you know my boyfriend and I are planning to get our own place...
    She pipes up and says to me.

    "No you can't take him, we need him for bills."

    My opinion in my mind... "A friend should be supportive of HIM being with his boyfriend, not for their own selfish needs."


    Course you can guess what happened months went by and april occurred...
    We had our first major fight because he had begun smoking and smoking ciggs, and his excuse was stress.

    I agree fast-food is indeed stressful but when he refused to quit and find a better job he just again, ignored me.

    Then he and I broke up, after I tried to talk to him, tried to be there...
    "I'm just done, I cant deal with the indecisiveness, you don't want to move with me, you need to quit your job so you can try to be at a happier place in your life."



    He now smokes and drinks on occasion, we talk of course...

    But its so hard,

    YES I did control or try, however he needed controlled, and now before you bash me for doing that it wasn't the forceful control you'd think, it was structure, if he never was pushed to get a job he'd be a bum still, or if he wasn't pushed he'd never make up his mind. Least for his personality and disability he needed structure, then when he became independent he just sort of went crazy.

    He and I are 22.


    Was this truly my fault?

    Course he says it isn't, it was his own fault, but I still feel hurt over the entire issue.

    Is it wrong that I don't want drugs or Weed in my life?

    I mean is it truly a ton to expect from a partner to just not do those things?

    The kicker, he didn't do it UNTIL he moved in with them....



    So I'm just struggling with it, whenever you are with someone for a long time as I was, it is so hard to split/cut/remove them from your life and it is incredibly painful.


    My family felt I was "Settling" and I just honestly do not know.
    He didn't cheat, he just..... He worked and had a hard time communicating, he just couldn't grasp it.

    Any advice on fully getting over this? Also first guy I did fall inlove with, so yes it hurts, and yes I want him still, however I just feel at this current time we are two different... Thanks to his roommates/friends using him for money and rent, I just don't see him ever realizing it due to his disability.

    Granted I did kind of box it into him, but he just... I wish he would be more intelligent on these situations and social issues, course people with Autism, high functioning he's booksmart.. socially he needs direction or help.... But I just don't see it working ever.....

    He was really nice and sweet, I regret breaking up with him, but I still feel that despite it being over 3-4 months since this has occurred, he has yet to decide or make any decisions on me or us or anything....
     
  2. Blossom85

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    Can I just say first of all.. I am sorry, I really am.. ~big hugs~

    Secondly.. No, it is not wrong for you to want to live a clean lifestyle and not be into drugs and stuff, you sound like a very mature 22 year old and I don't believe it was your own fault for what happened.. I can see what you were trying to do was for his own benefit and to get him living a clean and healthy lifestyle.. And if his friend is only wanting him there for the bills, then she isn't really a friend in my opinion.

    You are more then right with Autism, they don't have the social skills to adapt to everyday living and they need to be taught those things. I have a cousin on the Autism spectrum and he is currently almost 19 and is in what we call Tafe which is kind of like uni, but concentrates on other things as well and he is learning different social skills and cooking skills so he has those skills for when he does want to move out one day.

    You can't keep waiting in hope for him to see what is going on, if you have tried and he can't see it and doesn't want to take the time to really listen to you and is intent to stay in that lifestyle, then you are very much in different places and as sweet and nice as he may be still to you now.. You need someone who will be able to give you in return what you give someone else. You are both still young, so maybe later on.. You might find yourselves finding each other again.. It hurts when you see someone you love and care for hurting themselves by not taking care of themselves and not willing to let you take care of them.

    I think sometimes separating yourself from him and having a little time and space away from him might do you the world of good.. While your still communicating with him, you will still be hoping and praying for something to happen that will lead to you getting back on track with your relationship. It's gonna take time and you need to just let the grieving process happen, don't try to shut out the emotions, let it happen.. Cry, get it out if you need to.. But then once you have.. You can then start to pick yourself up and move on.. Firsts loves will always hold a special place for someone, I still hold my first love close and dear in my heart even though we don't even speak or keep in contact anymore..

    Just know you can always vent here, there is a lot of supportive people here and if you ever need to talk, there are people here including myself who will listen to you. Just take your time and first.. Let yourself grieve and go through the process.
     
  3. gamercody

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    I just feel I gave up on him, and it does hurt.
    I feel like he chose the friends over me in a way..... It is also harder to just watch it all happen and fall apart.. He just doesn't grasp things... I tried to be patient too, so I was very hurt plus he would forget to reply to me often.. I of course told him I love him and I'd asknif he wanted to be with me. His response "I do but I don't" so I just told him we were done. I never knew 5words could hurt so bad



    I'm guessing as long as he stays with them it'll stay the same.
     
  4. Blossom85

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    I can understand how you would feel that way, but try looking it as not giving up on him, but choosing to not give up on yourself and what you want out of love and life. You sound a very caring, passionate and loving kind of guy and you need to love but most importantly, you want to feel loved in return and sadly he isn't giving you that loving feeling in return. I think you see right.. As long as he continues to stay in that environment, nothing is going to change at all and you do need to think about what makes you happy and if you aren't feeling happy anymore, then you need to do what is best for you.. It it really wonderful you wanna take care of him and be there for him, but if he doesn't want you to take care of him and to be there, then there isn't much you can do.. I think as hard as it is, you have made the right choice. Just hang in there, it does get better.. It might take a long while, but it does.
     
  5. WannaBeMe

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    Blossom85 kinda hit it on a point but i'll give you my sympathy.

    (*hug*)

    I shall cry with you

    :tears::tears:

    But seriously though you really do have support here.
     
  6. gamercody

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    Thank you.. I know its just I'm used to things being my fault.
     
  7. Blossom85

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    Your welcome and I know.. It will take time, just try not to place the blame on you.. From what you have said it sounds like you have done all you. The ball is in his court now, you can't help someone who doesn't want help and that's the hardest thing to do, sit around and watch them self destruct knowing you can't do anything.
     
  8. gamercody

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    Just one issue I fell in love with the guy.
    So I feel like anyone else I date.. Just doesn't feel right to me.

    In my life and experience you find one gut one soulmate... Then... You're done....

    Like my mom met my sperm donor of a dad
    She hasn't dated since... 22 whole years. My best friend her dad and mom divorced. Never saw another person either.. So what if he was my one shot and done? That's what I'm fearing.
     
  9. Blossom85

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    I can certainly understand what you mean by that.. I fell head over heels in love with someone and I had never felt that way about anyone before and haven't really since, even though I have had feelings for a couple of other people since she left me.. I do worry that I will never find someone who I can connect with and see them as being my soul mate but you can't use that as a reason to not try when you are ready. If you are soul mates and meant to be together, maybe one day it might happen that it all comes together for you.. If he was your soul mate though and he felt the same.. I feel he would be doing more to keep you in his life, not just letting you get away like that.

    I don't think it is your only shot at a chance for love. You are 22 years old.. You have your whole life ahead of you.. And like I said.. If it's meant to be.. It will happen for you both.. Just because you have two people whom haven't found new partners doesn't mean it couldn't happen.. It could also be their mind set, that they think they can't or they feel like they are betraying their first love.. I have seen the opposite happen.. There have been three occasions I know where family members of mine have been married, got divorced and then found love again and they are all still happily together to this day..

    For now.. Take one day at a time.. You certainly don't need to be thinking about finding love again now anyway, right now you just need to concentrate on grieving, processing it all and then slowly being able to let go and move on and then you can decide where you wanna go from there. You are a passionate and compassionate young man and you deserve the best in life, including your love life.