It's been a wonderful/difficult time lately. I'm a 20 y.o closeted male who started looking for a discreet guy on a gay app to experiment with, I wanted to know what does It feel like and everything. I finally found a guy who's really similar with me, though he's 23 and out 2 years ago. I met him about 2 months ago, at first we only got together to.. you know.. go to bed. We didn't have sex cause we're both tops, but we did everything else. It was really nice but we didn't talk much.. in the morning he just left. We kept chatting and met a few times more.. and we both started to change. It all twisted when he invited me to watch a movie to his house and it wasn't at all about sex. We just cuddled and connected immensely and then slept together, he told me I was beautiful and that he liked me. He now tells me he wants to be with me more and I really don't know what to do... I really like him but I don't wanna go on something serious with him as I'm not out at all!!!!! I'm from a really conservative enviorment, homophobic brother and dad, and all that. Please try to wear my shoes and give me advice on what should I do... I really don't wanna cut him off, he's perfect. But again I don't think I could handle being on a serious relationship with him.. I think I would feel really paranoid about people finding out I'm with a guy... and I don't wanna feel like that.
So, honestly speaking: This is a really delicate situation. I get that you are not out and you are not even thinking to be out soon and that's perfectly fine (specially if your dad and brother have homophobic behaviours). It must probably suck not being able to be yourself around the ones you love. Your doubts are justified. I would say that having a relationship in which you are not able to give yourself to the other 100% is a relationship doomed to fail. Of course you will get along the first weeks or months, but he will want to be open with you at some point and that's gonna hurt him. It sounds to me you are definitely not ready to come out, but this is a time bomb, and from what I have seen is better to let it explode when you are young when you can still do some damage control. Yeah, I know everything sounds easy in writing, better said that done. So if I were you I would get ready to come out as soon as possible even tough it scares the shit out of you, when you look back you will know it was the right call .Otherwise if you really like him, make sure to talk to him about this, what problems you might face and what are your boundaries. The sooner you free yourself the better you enjoy those around you. Hugs!
Nicosa is right. Attempting to lead a secret relationship usually doesn't work. You say you are falling in love - it would be a shame to let that pass. I understand it is really hard to come out, but try to weigh the pros against the cons. Do you think the stress caused by coming out would be that bad it could not be outweighed by being in a loving relationship?
^^ the comment above is pretty blunt but it is kind of the best solution... Whatever you do, don't give up this guy you like. If he likes you, he will care for you and try to help you through the process. Maybe ask him about coming out. Also, do you have a close relationship with your family? If you do it is tougher but if you don't then you can tell them and kinda ignore them, at least at first. Obviously tat is a short term solution but if it allows you to stay with your guy... Basically what I am saying is the love you are feeling is way more important than what your family or anyone else thinks.
Thanks for the support guys, really appreciate your words. But I'm definetly not coming out this year. Cause at the end of the year I'm having a nose surgery (mostly functional, cause I can't breathe well) but my mom also offered me If I wanted it to be also plastic surgery. I really want that cause I never really liked my nose but If i tell my dad I'm bi/gay/whatever I don't think he'll let me do it, and I really want to become more comfortable with myself.
Hi, How does he feel about you being closeted? Is he willing to wait until you are ready? This is something special between you two, and it would be a shame to lose it. If you can both tolerate being hidden for a finite time (until you can support yourself), I think it would be worth it.
It's your decision at the end...but I wouldn't let him go if you love him too. Guys like that are not easy to come by, and you might regret it later.
