The aftermath.... recovering from cheating.

Many of you probably know that me and my BF of 1.5 years had a break down when he cheated on me with some other guy. To not make a long story short it was a one time deal, I hadn't had any sexual life with him for months and pushed him away (literally, physically pushed him away). I don't proclaim innocence.

Anyway, where we live is outside the USA and there are no relationship counselors. He swears he would never do it again, he cries all the time when I try to discuss it, he brings me flowers.... he really is trying to be a loving boyfriend. I proposed taking a break, etc and he is very against it. The other day he thought I was out cheating on him because I came home with wet boxers (it's a long story, accident at the office) and he was torn apart.

I am having issues moving past this. I feel like if he loved me or gave a damn he would have never done what he did. He says he did not tell me for so long after because he regretted it and knew i would leave. In my craziness back when it happened I hacked his phone and saw his messaging history, it was a one time thing, no more incidents happened. After he did it things tapered down and he was not into talking to other people.

I am just struggling with the idea that he says he loves me, wants to marry me and spend his life with only me ... but what happened did in fact happen. Is it possible he is sincere, is it possible he will be a good boyfriend? Or this all just a big lie waiting to end in another disaster. Our relationship has gotten better, our sex life is great, I learned not to push him away obviously.

But that aside, is that enough? I always thought that someone who does something horrible will do it again. In a past relationship I did something horrible and in my new one I did not repeat it, I thought about it but did not. I am just so unsure if it's even possible someone can be sincere after something like this....

 

Thank you for the kind words and sorry to spam the forums. Sometimes it just helps to talk and everyone I know is always about picking up pitchforks.

I think he is truly sorry. He seems truly hurt, not by anything else other than the idea of losing me. He has been doing things he has never done in our relationship, if i have a mistrust episode he even goes our of his way to prove where he was. He sent me a GPS snapshot of his location because I mistrusted him.

I feel like i can trust him again but I don't want to do it and get burnt again. I think my pride is an issue. I don't pretend to be innocent either. I also have strong thoughts about cheating on him not for revenge but then I will have something worse on my mind and battle with myself rather than with him. Some days all I can think about is what he did and it makes me sick.

I feel like if I did something I'd understand how he could do it and not tell me, or that I would feel better because I would think about how horrible I was and not him. Not sure, I am a bit out of it.

 

Thank you Blossom, seriously!

I also concur that pride is useless but unfortunately easier to say than do in this case. I would say our relationship is worth alot I can see a future with him. If not I'd just say screw it. I just wish I knew how to tell if he was sincere or not.

I am just scare it will happen again.

 

Blossom85 thanks for the good advice. I am currently working through this, I think I have been getting better over the last days the whole pride thing jumps aside. I try to look back and the best I can come up with is that he is to blame. He is at fault. But the circumstances in the relationship didn't exactly fair well.

He always told me he wanted to mover far away with me... I told him no we'd stay here. He told me he wanted to get engaged, I told him no we were not ready. He told me he wanted a better sex life and I told him we'd have a three some. All in all I think I managed to convince him that our relationship was going nowhere when in reality it was going somewhere.

I guess i was not splendid at it. We had another serious talk and he took the time to mention that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, he wants us to get married, he wants us to buy a house and he wants us to be happy. I told him not to BS and he told me that he is seriously. I told him if he realized once we make a commitment that he couldn't do what he did, that it would not be forgiven. He told me he is aware and that it's not even worth mentioning.

His best friend was chatting with me and showed me a convo they had where my BF had saw some pretty not nice messages I wrote and he responded to his best friend, "I hurt him and I deserve it, all of it". So I am thinking he really understands the gravity of the situation.

All in all I think we will get engaged. I think it's the right thing to do and I think we will have a healty relationship. I don't think it will happen again and I think I had a lot to do with it. I told him clearly if he ever gets to the point of thinking like that we should break it off. He seems legit that he won't and he is all crazy in love and upset about me being unsure, which, is legit because after all, we've been together almost two years and the honeymoon phase is over... if he wanted to sleep around we'd be done or taking a break neither of which he wanted. Also the fact that he gets crazy about the idea of me sleeping with someone else shows me that he understands the gravity of the situation and what kind of damage it would do, meaning he can understand what he did and not repeat

 

shinji - good opinion. And good point. I was a terrible boyfriend.

We have been together 2 months since the incident happened. He has not cheated on me. I have not brickwalled him. Our sexual life has been great, we have been doing dinner dates weekly, we buy each other flowers.

We are actually having a proper relationship. I am just dealing with backlogged feelings at this point.

To be more precise... he cheated on me one time literally like hey .... let's have sex, then he did ... then he cut cords with the guy, they didnt even meet up again and then .... later I found out, he didnt tell me right away.

So our relationship has gotten past it and we have been good. We have been not the same before but better than -- I actually feel properly in love and committed at this point and I have been working to be a good boyfriend.

Now I feel like it would be wise to move forward but the situation has left some hanging over feelings.

I was thinking maybe do a break and we both see if we really want to be together? But then we both know we do and daily he tells me he does... so then I think I am just being a coward and trying to run away from feelings I don't like ... I am sure I want to be with him.

 

Blossom85 thanks again!

Things have been going well so far. We have been at it, I have gotten better about not making snide comments. Those awkward moments have gone away when we both go to dark places.

No idea how this will end but hopefully with us together.