Adoption is not the same

It sounds as though he is projecting his personal desires. There are quite a few people who don't feel as though they will receive everything they wish from raising an adopted child rather than a biological child. There is little wrong with feeling that way personally, but they should be able to recognize that everyone does not need a genetic connection in order to foster a loving and respectable parental relationship.

These situations can sometimes cause issues for households that plan to have both adopted and biological children, as there is the possibility of relatives favoring one group over another, but I doubt it would be a serious issue in your case. I would find it hard to believe that they wouldn't be able to form Uncle/Grandfather relationships with your children after they have watched them grow up. They may be skeptical now, but if they could actually be apathetic to a child that has been raised before their eyes and is equally part of the family, then that would be some heavy closed-heartedness on their part.

 

I am the mother of a 12 year old son adopted from Azerbaijan. He's amazing and I can't imagine any other son than him. We chose to adopt after infertility and at the end of the day, a person has to decide if they want to be a parent or if they want to give birth/have a genetic connection. It sounds to me like your brother has his own feelings on the matter. However, don't let that stop you from what you want to do. Once there is actually a child in their minds, they may feel very differently. I know my father surprised the heck out of me when I told him we were going to adopt and stop trying to get pregnant. I was afraid of his reaction but he just blew me away by shouting to my stepmother - "I'm going to be a grandpa!!" Once it was real, he was fine. I hope your family will be the same.

 

Love is more than blood is what I believe

 

I only want adopted children; I never want any biological children. I'm just afraid of pregnancy and I don't think I could do it. And the odd thing is that I feel it's more romantic for a girl and I to adopt. With sperm donors, it doesn't feel right to me....it would make me feel a bit jealous that a man shared his sperm with my partner (Not that I think it would be wrong to do that, just make me feel jealous that I can't do that with her and we'd need a man for it) where as with adoption it feels more like both of ours that we worked together to get legally. And I also think It's beautiful to take in a child who was unwanted and needs love.

There are no right and wrong answers. Some lesbian couples would rather use sperm than adopt (and I see no issues with that), some straight couples would rather have biological kids....but a child is a child regardless of that method. It'll always be your child regardless of blood...and treating adoption otherwise is harmful to kids, it makes them feel broken.

 

Family is more than blood relations. At least people who adopt actually want a child unlike a lot of people nowadays >.>

 

Adoption is a legitmate way to become parent(s) and chiid. You not only must consciously decide to do it, but you must convince other people that you are worthy and capable. Why do you let the opinions of your family make you so upset? If you decide to become an adoptive parent, and they are not accepting, then frankly, you are better off without their negativity.

 

Well, genetics is important to some people. They like to see a reflection of themselves in their kids, like physical features and personality traits. It certainly makes it more interesting. An adopted child would look nothing like their parents. However, if it's not something that is important to you, it shouldn't bother you. You could love an adopted child like you would your own. Another thing to consider though is that one day when they're all grown up they might want to meet their biological parents.

 

Another thing came to mind: What if one partner is sterile or intersex and can NEVER have biological kids? Doesn't demonizing adoption give off the impression that you're broken and useless if you aren't fertile?

 

Unfortunately, the media doesn't help this much. How many times are we told that Brad and Angelina have adopted and biological children, and exactly which ones are which? Nicole Kidman gives birth and we were told she had her first child, despite adopting two children prior to being pregnant. It's the belonging and love that matters in a family, not where the DNA came from. In all honesty, those of us who birthed babies might not look anything like them anyway.

I have friends who have adopted their children. They have a very deep, visceral love for those kids. Woe betide anyone who suggests there is something less "real" about their family. One of them shared this poem with me (not sure where it came from, sorry):

Not flesh of my flesh
Nor bone of my bone
But still miraculously
My own
Never forget
For a single minute
You didn't grow under my heart
But in it

 

If I had the money and the health to do it, I would adopt in a minute. I have a wonderful biological daughter. I was rather older when I had her and then had health issues and financial issues that led to the decision to have my tubes tied. She is thirteen now. I have had a desire to adopt for several years but like I said, health and money keep me from doing it. That and I really am so super focused on my daughter that I wonder if it would be fair to either her or another child.
Before I had my daughter my mother-in-law used to push us to "hurry up." One time she basically said that I was so old that we might not have any choice but to adopt and that would never be the same as having a "real grandchild." I never could understand her point. If we had adopted a baby the only difference would have been blood. Just a coincidence of genetics. The love would have been the same. The devotion to the child's care, health, safety, happiness. It is love that makes family. It is sad when people use the excuse "we're family" to get away with being jerks and then expecting people to forgive them and act like they never did crappy things. I have a lot of blood relatives who are no family of mine. They are people who I share an unfortunate genetic and historic connection to. They are not anyone I would spare the time to pee on if they were on fire. There are people I have no blood relationship to that are my very close family. I would do most anything for them. I treasure them for the wonderful happiness and memories we share. Family is love. Love is family. Biological children, adopted children, step children, are all children. Love them, make them the focus of your world, and they are your "real children."

 

People have been brainwashed for centuries into believing that they MUST have kids of their own, in order to be deemed "parents".

Forcing someone, or brainwashing someone into believing they NEED to procreated is abominable......especially since most people nowadays ONLY have kids to cheat the government out of MORE money and free stuff. They could not care less about the kids.

I believe procreating should be illegal all over the world. If you want kids of your own, you have to pass extremely vigorous testing procedures, including mental, physical, and financial. If you dont pass, you are not allowed to have kids.....if you do, the kids get taken away and you get sterilized.

For those who do pass, they have to spend three months volunteering at a child day care center or child welfare ward at a hospital. Once they pass that final test, they are allowed to ONLY adopt one child. After a 5 year time period, if they have successfully given the proper amount of time, affection, and care to the child, then they may apply to have one of their own, but only allowed ONE child.

I have seen an abominable and staggering amount of kids who were "popped out" because they were forced into it by their parents, church, or pressured into it by their friends. These kids are abused, used, starved, taken advantage of, used as "money bait", or just completely ignored altogether. And they either commit suicide, go into the adoption system, or live out their childhood on the streets and become professional homeless people.

This is a sore subject with me, and I am trying my best to keep my cool.

As far as your brother, from what I gather by what you said, your brother needs to be sterilized and never allowed to adopt any more kids.

 

Nazi Germany much?

 

I am adopted and my adoptive family has more love for me than I could ever have imagined

 

One of my parents' friends have two children, one is biological and one is adopted, and honestly I think they love them just the same and it makes no difference.

I've always thought I'd adopt if I decided to have a kid anyway. The world is bloody overpopulated. Even when I was younger, when I thought I was straight, I thought I'd adopt.

Family is so much more than genetic connection.

 

The stigma against adopting children is absolutely insane. I can never understand what makes it that much of a difference. Then again, when I try and imagine my future child, I don't have any specifics things I want them to look like or act like. I just want someone who likes to smile and laugh, and makes the days a little brighter. I don't care what they look like in the least, or whether or not I gave birth to them or not.

I have this idea that you kind of a have two families. There's your biological family, the ones that gave you your DNA and your genes, and then there's your real family. They're the ones who care for you and who make you feel loved. Those are the ones you get to pick.

 

I agree. I don't understand why adoption is different than genetic kids. Especially since more and more women are sterile these days. And yes you can do the surrogate thing, but logically again, how is that different because your partner is using his genes with someone else so it really isn't 'yours' either. I think family is just about love and a bond.

 

He's right - it's not the same. Nobody has accidentally adopted a child.

Lex

 

I have nieces and nephews from previous marriages. They are my nieces and nephews, not adopted ones.
The other night I was working as an announcer and someone wanted me to give a shout out to "the beer adopted daughter ever" I'm not sure why the distinction and not just daughter. She signed the note from her second mom. Maybe there was a reason.

 

Let me tell you a story, and perhaps you can tell it to your brother.

Growing up, my father always said, "Blood is more important than anything". He had divorced my mother, and hated her side of the family. It was simple convenience that my mother's sister was infertile, and her son had been adopted.

That aunt had spent thousands of dollars for her and her husband to find this child, and to give him a great home. He was raised as their child, and all of his cousins (including myself) loved him. It was never an issue, except for in cases like my father, and even in this the real issue was a hatred of the mother, rather than the child.

Eventually, an aunt (2) would tell my cousin he was adopted, long before he was ready to know. That aunt was a particularly malignant person, the sort that thrived off of 'drama', or as I prefer to call it, emotional abuse. The cousin went through a lot of turmoil because of that, but came out with a stronger relationship to his parents as a result. Because his parents were honest, they loved him, and they reminded him, "We may not have given birth to you, but we choose you, we wanted you. Where many conceptions are accidents, you were always wanted, and you were always loved.".

Unfortunately, he was still a kid at the time, and not to let the matter go completely, he told the evil aunt 2's son that his father wasn't his real rather. And he wasn't, aunt 2 had nearly divorced her husband, and in the separation had a child with another man, which her and her husband now raise as their own. They lied, and lied, and lied about the truth, and still do, because they believe blood, and appearances, matter.

But their son just wanted honest parents. And he hurt because of that. And that relationship with his parents will just never quite be where it could be, and it's sad.

Oh, and my father?

Well, turns out when he was young, he had sex before he wanted a kid. Unfortunately, a kid is what he got. I found out that I have an older brother, who he disowned and pretends doesn't exist to this day. I found out about him at age 18, and he's about 21 (24 now). Unfortunately, while "blood" matters, it didn't matter enough for my father to raise his third son.

But then again, neither did 'blood' it matter to my aunt and her husband, who raised a son much like the son my father disowned.

Hopefully you will learn from this story (and yes, it's true).

Blood isn't what makes a family.

Love is what makes a family.

Your brother would do best to remember that, because someday he may find himself with a family too.

---------- Post added 20th Nov 2014 at 11:31 AM ----------

Precisely! If you adopt a child, and that child wants to know what's different about him in comparison to kids in other families, therein is the difference