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The bisexual with mommy issues

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by PsychoPassFan, Sep 26, 2014.

  1. PsychoPassFan

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    Okay so I'm a bisexual but I can't bring myself to be with a woman. I am currently somewhat involved with a man who is pretty great and has been more than kind towards me and quite frankly I owe him my life.

    To make a long story short I have a love-hate relationship with my mother. I don't trust her. She's more than just anti-lgbt. She's petty, vindictive, hot-headed(a trait I got from her unfortunately), controlling, and spiteful. She's also loving towards me(in her own way), protective, and at least she tried her best. I admittedly still live with her(18 years old). Needless to say I have issues with her. I find myself being more mistrusting of women. I've been surrounded by women since the passing of my father. Hell, I'm adopted and I'm more keen to find my dad more than I am my mom. (Not normal). I should probably disclose I am an ex-evangelical. Before I became an atheist I was involved in an ideology that said that women were lesser here on earth.

    I have to admit I also would not approach a lesbian because I am way to afraid she would think of me as a some sort of slut/brainless bimbo/poser/whatever.


    Any advice would be appreciated.
     
  2. Kaiser

    Kaiser Guest

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    Sounds nice, save the 'bring myself to be with a woman', because you proclaim you are bisexual. But, we'll get to that...

    Nobody is perfect. However, a parent, usually, will make more of an effort, when it comes to their own child. The fact you even feel there is a problem, with your mother, means something went wrong. You speak ill of her one moment, then throw in the "but she's also loving towards me" -- that tends to be the mentality, of someone who is a victim, but cannot accept their reality.

    You say that your mother is the reason, or so I am gathering from this, for your mistrust in women. Well, I fell off my bike as a kid, should I just not ride another bike? I had somebody with a Metallica t-shirt tell me I was overweight, should I just not listen to another Metallica song?

    You could try talking to your mother, about how you feel, and see if that does anything. But if it doesn't, you're going to have to be the 'Big Person' and move on. Otherwise, you're still allowing your mother to control your life, even when you're branching out. This isn't healthy, nor is it enjoyable. If you are bisexual, and you want to be with a woman, then treat it like you would a person in general. Get to know them, be around, exchange information, and expand from there. How would you feel if somebody looked at you and said, "Oh, look at her! She's a woman, I totally won't give her a chance because of that!"? Most likely, you'd feel hurt.

    When you put up a wall, for whatever reason, you're severing yourself from potential outcomes. While these walls can protect you from the harshness of the world, they also keep out the good that lingers in it. I would advise you to take a deep look at yourself, and explore who you are in further depth, be it yourself, with a trusted individual, or perhaps even therapy. You say you have a good man in your life, well, talk to that good man.

    I'm sure, a percentage of bisexual/lesbian women might think that, but they're also the ones who you wouldn't want to bother with anyway. So, why bother thinking about it that long, or even at all? I assure you -- one glance around this forum will tell you -- that some fine, respectable, and loving women do exist. From all walks of life, all upbringings, and different interests and goals. Each may be walking at their own pace in life, but they are all seeking similar things, just in their own unique way. You never know, you might be the last piece of the puzzle for someone; or they, for you.

    The Golden Rule states, to treat others how you wish to be treated. As cliche and as tired as it is, this can be applied here. Don't project onto others, what they do not have, or else, you'll find that, everybody, will be a potential problem/enemy/setback in and to your life.

    Keep your wits about you, and live the life you want -- not that others project upon you.
     
  3. PsychoPassFan

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    I'm not sure if the first part was a dig about my claim of being bisexual but, when I say be with a woman I don't mean sexually. I have slept with someone from my church. (long story we were both drunk). I understand what you're saying that I should not put up walls and I've only recently come to understand why I've been avoiding my sexuality. I suppose I am also afraid of becoming exactly like my mother. I have been told abusive patterns get passed down to kids but, is there therapy to try to avoid becoming an abuser? Is that something anyone can readily admit to a therapist without being sent to an institution?
     
  4. Kaiser

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    No, not at all. I was just pointing it out, so I could address it later on, which I did. Trust me, if I intended to offend you, you'd know it. Lol.

    Getting drunk with a fellow church-goer, or having "inappropriate" sex with one. Mm. If I had a nickel for every time I've heard that...

    You can try to avoid your sexuality, but most folks will tell you, it will resurface. You either have to make due with it, or embrace it. There isn't really a way to avoid it. Instead, you can occupy and even distract yourself, but the moment you have a free moment, and sometimes not even then, it'll show right back up.

    The basis of the whole 'become like an abuser' boils down to, if you were raised like this, it is natural to emulate it, because, well, isn't a child supposed to trust their parents? Isn't a child supposed to have unconditional love from their parents? If you know what some of your mother did wasn't healthy, you're already a step ahead of most. Of course, that said, it is easier to state than it is to apply.

    My parents didn't physically or sexually abuse me, but they were negligent. They were also, at times, a little verbally insensitive. Compared to others, it wasn't too bad. But individually, yeah, I'm with you on the parents sort of screwing us over. I had to relearn a lot of things, which is incredibly hard, because as I do it, it makes me feel as if I wasted years of my life.

    Anyway, I believe a therapist would be willing, to talk such things out with you. I doubt they'd put you into an institution, simply for saying, "Hey, I have some things I'd like to talk about."

    If anything, the fact you want to talk about this, and try to remedy the problem, is more so a reason not to ship you off. So, unless you're skinning animals or setting senior citizen homes on fire, I think you'll be fine.
     
  5. PsychoPassFan

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    AAAH dig wasn't the right word. I'm sorry. I've always had trouble with language. I for one would completely understand if you did. I don't necessarily mind the questioning as long as it's done politely. I'd understand if you did considering I'm a college student who goes to an institution that has an environment that makes it harder than necessary to work out sexual identity. (My experience is more like studying my ass off to go somewhere far, far, away.)

    Ah, okay I guess I'll go ahead and talk to a therapist. Honestly, I bring this up because I realize even though I align politically as a feminist, I am still very much a misogynist. Re-learning things is difficult. Honestly, my friends half-expect me to "become a lesbian" for purely ideological reasons. This revelation about being a misogynist is frustrating because I thought I was past the I got into with conservative religion.