I guess I just want a different perspective on everything and to put it into words cause I don't have anyone I could really talk about it to. It might be long but it's kind of a fucked up story.. I'm 21 and gay. It's hard to say whether I'm out, I told a family member I thought I could trust that I was bi when I was 14 and the next day they told my siblings who told my parents, but they never spoke to me about it and to be honest I doubt they even believed it or remember as they go on about babies and wives alot. I'm at a point where I don't really hide it if asked and don't really care either way. Anyway so I started this year having walked out of my flat that I shared with my brother after another argument that turned violent, and went to stay at my parents. It was supposed to be temporary but I had just lost my job so was hard to sort somewhere new out. 3 months later in March my brother, who had kept the flat gave up the flat after spending all the money I gave him for bills and his own money on partying and not being able to afford it. My parents let him come and stay and so the person I had left my flat from was now in the same house again. We spoke because I didn't really have a choice. I was looking for a job but wasn't going well and I wasn't really happy. I wouldn't say I'd been happy for a long time. I had a problem with my **** that meant I couldn't have sex properly, and I needed an operation for it. I had known for years and it had ruined alot of things for me but I had never been brave enough and I didn't want to tell anyone about it. When I moved into the flat with my brother after my parents left for 6 months, I decided I would do something about it now I was old enough to not need parents involved. It was hard but I went to the doctors, and tbh was the worst day ever he called me stupid and said its normal bye. I was kind of upset after that, but I went back the next week and he said the same. Third time I went to see him he was still adamant even though I was telling him and eventually his help was to refer me to a STD clinic. I called where he told me to go and they didn't have a clue why he would do that. That was around November last year, I gave up after that really. May this year. I was using an app called ****** (it's like ******) and had been on it for a few months, hadn't met anyone decent at all and was getting bored with it. I had decided on deleting it and I received a new message from a guy. He was just passing through and asking me if i wanted to go back to where he lives about an hour and a half away and get hotel. I have never met someone for sex and obviously it wasn't as simple for me as I couldn't properly without the operation. I was really attracted to him and there was something about him that made me feel something. I can't remember exactly what I said but after quite a few messages he was like look i'm not wanting to be messed around and changed his profile to asking if there is anyone genuine. I just decided to tell him why I couldn't, about the operation, and was honest with him, and shocked me that he was totally fine with it. I also told him how at this time I was in a not so meaningful relationship with a girl. It wasn't serious only a few months and it wasn't love, but he said straight away if we were to ever do anything I would have to end it with her. We carried on talking and he was a really nice guy. We got close pretty quick. I had only ever had one experience with a guy when I was 16 and bit drunk, and had never been emotionally attached to one so it was kind of new to me. He said all the right things though. He told me I better not talk to anyone else and so we swapped numbers deleted the App. It was about 10 days after we first spoke when I decided to end it with my gf. I'd spoke to this guy on the phone for the first time for about an hour and I decided I liked him. We spoke about the operation and I told him it could be up to 9 months for the whole process of waiting for it and then healing afterwards but he said he would wait and he didn't want anyone else. I was still looking for a job, not told anyone about the op and wasn't getting on with my brother again we were always arguing and fighting and family life as a whole wasn't good and I was in this tiny house and I felt like I couldn't do anything without being questioned like I would have to go outside to phone him and then would be questioned who I had phoned. So yeah it wasn't always great. I tried not to talk about it with this guy he was there for me alot but I didn't really want to be a problem so I kept it to myself. We arranged to meet about 6 weeks after we first spoke. By then we were so close, he had said so much to me about us being together, about wanting to settle down with someone, hopes to find someone to move in with and leave his parents, so I thought it was the start of something serious. We met and it was great, nothing sleazy, had a good day out and it was really special and we still felt the same and wanted to see each other again. We always spoke everyday and on the phone at night usually, obviously sometimes one of us would be busy or something and it was usually fine. I had alot more free time than him so sometimes I felt I'd make the conversation more and then I thought I didn't want to annoy him or talk to much or always be too available. But he had told me he liked possessive guys cause it shows they're bothered, and anytime that I would not reply soon after or wouldn't message him he would send me ?? or say I was quiet. It was quite annoying sometimes cause if i did the same he would say he was busy and make me feel like im in the wrong. One time I said i was annoyed and told him why and he was genuinely sorry about it and think he thought i was ending it cause he had to go off phone cause he was crying and after he said he didnt want to miss chance to be with me and he realised how much i meant to him. We made up and it was all good. For a while. He was going on holiday so obviously he was busy beforehand and I expected us not to talk whilst he was on holiday and it was all fine. He sent me a message where he said he loved me whilst he was on holiday and it shocked me as I hadn't expected to hear from him. Whilst he was away I got the date for my operation and it was only 2 weeks time. He got back from holiday and then the day after I sent him a text saying usual hope u had good time etc and that i wanted to call him . I didnt say why but wanted to tell him about op. I didn't get a reply for ages and when I did it was not nice he was moaning about just getting back from holiday and not giving him anytime etc. We made up finally about a week later. We were still pretty much the same but then sometimes it would be different. Like he wasn't that close anymore. He had said before once or twice we're not in a relationship we're just mates but like it was always more of a teasing sort of way when we were flirting or something. But now he would say it to me like he really meant it if we were just chatting on the phone and I said something that was maybe a bit too serious. I was feeling like he had lost interest or wasn't bothered anymore. I had the operation and it went really well. It would still be about 2 months until I could have sex. 4 days after the operation I had a job interview and started new job the next Monday. This guy had promised to make it up to me for being busy one weekend I'd wanted to see him a few weeks earlier by meeting me in 3 weeks time. I called him on the Monday after my first day at work, and it was about 3 weeks until we were supposed to meet, everything was good was telling him about work etc and then he said he was going to be really busy and probably wouldn't be able to meet me for 6-7 weeks instead. I was gutted, told him I missed him and got the usual why we're just mates we're not in a relationship. The next day my brother was being a dick and decided to attack me and I ended up going to a hotel for 2 nights cause I couldn't be in house with him and I actually had multiple physical marks bruises on me. I messaged this guy when I got to the hotel, just saying like hey nothing unusual, hoping i would be able to call him (had to ask cause lives with parents and not out) seeing as I was feeling pretty shit and just wanted to be cheered up really. He didnt reply but came online and ignored me. I left it a bit and then sent another message. No reply. I was getting really pissed off and upset. I didn't even want to tell him what had happened I was embarrassed by it to be honest another family drama cause he gets on really well with his family and they're normal and close. The opposite of mine. Anyway I wasn't thinking and I said something stupid like "If you want me you're going to have to make more effort" I can't remember exactly. I fell to sleep with no reply and the next day I was like "I'm sorry I really hope I haven't fucked it up this time" and got a reply few house later telling me yes u have cba with it anymore your too possessive. I of course practically beg him to change his mind because by this time I've really fell for him and it feels like love and he always told me he loves me and no matter what he will always like me...and on and on and on... He's adamant he not changing his mind and all my messages go ignored. Over the next few weeks I send him probably like a message every 2 to 3 days apologizing, making excuses, making him think I'm crazy I presume. I got really messed up. I've had so much to deal with and he seems to have the perfect life. Maybe I'm really jealous. I told him loads of things about me that I wish I hadn't making excuses for why I'm fucked up. Like feeling like I have nobody because I don't have many friends and people have always just fucked me over and always just come into my life and leave. I even sent him pictures of my body after my brother beat me up. I can't remember what I was thinking, was I trying to make him feel sorry for me? I don't know..I wanted him to understand it had been really difficult. I do blame myself for it messing up because at the time I probably was being too much for anyone because I felt like shit about my life I had no job no way out of the family that drove my crazy and I felt like the guy I was falling for was losing interest, along with the operation that I was dealing with on my own, money issues, past bad relationships still on my mind, and just a lot of negative stuff. I've not had many relationships, the gf I dumped for this guy, and one girl before her and that's it. The girl before her was about 2/3 years ago and went on for over 3 years and she broke my heart so many times and it got to me when he kept saying we're mates we're friends because she kept me at friends distance alot but wanted the relationship stuff too and it really fucks with your head and heart. He replied to me once to tell me he's trying to sleep and doesn't need me messaging him. About 6 weeks after he finished it (about 3 weeks ago now) I asked him for a phone call, he had promised me he would never end it by text and that's exactly what he did, so I asked for a call and said if you're not interested after then I'm done and will leave you alone. He called me, and said he'd moved on, I needed to, and that we could be friends but I need to get over him and he's blocking me and will message me in a few months and if im not over him he will just block me again. Oh and he also said that distance is a reason too...its 60 miles/ just over hours drive and he drives and im learning, so that feels like bullshit to me. I haven't even tried contacting him since. But I can't stop thinking about the whole thing. About him. I have thought so many different things about it. Was it really all me? Was it him? Is it cause he's not out and doesn't really know what he wants, wants to act like a relationship but then calls it just mates? Is it cause he can't see himself coming out and having that relationship and settling down like he said he wanted? I have no problem being out, but maybe that's just because I feel like I would do anything for him. He has a new profile on the App now, his profile is "Looking for new mates Can you be a decent and trusting friend?" What does this guy want? I feel like I've fucked up so much and acted so crazy that he is just going to think I'm mental and will never really want to speak to me again. Why can't I just accept that and get over him? It's been 7 weeks now since he finished it. We were only involved for 4 months. I don't know how I fell for him so much. It sucks because if I had kept control of everything life would be perfect now. Everything has gone to plan for once and I'm really happy... apart from feeling in love with this guy that's never going to want me. I've tried everything to move on. The whole situation is bad and I need to get away from it but it's always on my mind. I have been a weed user on and off for 3 or 4 years now. It started occasional but for past 2 years it's been daily, apart from the twice I tried to quit once I lasted 2 months and then 6 weeks but I always slip back into it. With the prospect of a future with a decent guy who didn't know I did drugs I quit again after I met him and quit smoking too and haven't drank for 4 months. I still haven't touched drink but ive slipped back into the weed and smoking since he left. I want to get clean for good this time. I worry about mental health as there is history in the family and how ive acted over this and other times in the past year or two just scares me as I don't recognise myself at times. I feel like if i get high i dont forget about it but its better than without. im pretty depressed when im high which isn't good, but makes me worried about what i will be like once i stop. How can I feel like if he called me now and said I want you back that I could be happy and it would fix everything and there wouldnt be any problems and i could just drop the drugs and depression? I can't find anything else that makes me happy at the minute there's nothing
Hey, I'm sorry to hear about everything you have gone through. I know it sucks, but he has made it clear that he doesn't want you. I know it's hard to let people go, but time heals all wounds. During a breakup, there are good days and bad days, but as time goes on, it gets a little easier. You don't need a boyfriend to be happy. I mean, they're nice sometimes, but you can't expect them to be the solution to all of your struggles in life. Start focusing on improving other things in your life. Just take it one day at a time
I know you're right. I know it's over i just wish i could go back to when he said its over and be like ok - instead of acting crazy about it all. Its made me feel alot worse than I imagine i would have done. Sensibly i know he was obviously never looking to give the kind of commitment i was looking for, but then how ive acted makes me feel like maybe thats just with me. It had been a long time since i trusted someone or even found someone i could trust years which is a long time when you're 21 and now im like whats the point this guy said everything right so why shouldnt i have trusted him but that just makes me not want to trust anyone. Plus i suppose having counted down the days until u can physically be with someone and then them ending it so easy doesn't really help. Wasn't like everything was how it was meant to be and then lost it it was waiting for it to be how it was meant to be, just thinking of how it could have been just makes it hard to move on. All the dramas and things that are in the way seem alot more insignificant afterwards.
I get what you mean here. I wouldn't dwell on it too much. You can't change the past. On another note, do you want to be friends with him? I had an ex that wanted to try to be friends afterwards, but it hurt too much. I wanted to be so much more. Who knows, honestly. The point is that he doesn't want to be with you. That sucks, I know, but try to focus more on your life and thoughts instead of his. Him saying nice things doesn't mean you have to trust him. I bet that's hard, but you need to realize that not everything would be perfect just because you could have sex. I know it's hard to get over the idea of a relationship and the idea of someone, but those are just ideas.
Thanks Skov, it's good to hear another perspective rather than just my own thoughts which often drive me crazy.
I hope so too To answer your earlier question, I don't know if I would want to be friends with him. I have a feeling that he was just saying it to make the situation better at the time. I don't think he has plans of ever contacting me again or being friends. I don't know if that bothers me. It never started as friends so I think it would just be too weird after everything.
