Somewhere along the line as I've increasingly explored and accepted my sexuality, I seem to have skipped the important step of making gay friends (instead jumping into a string of relationships and well, regular, NSA hookups). I seem to have made one gay friend, and we do hang out a lot together- having lunch, sometimes dinner together, and seeing movies together. It sounds like any ordinary friend (like a straight best friend who knows that you are gay), however, there is one thing which confuses me a lot. We do have sex, and we have sex very often. I often sleep over his place too and we fall asleep in each others arms, him holding me and kissing me passionately/deeply. He asked me to go to Europe with him, or to go on vacation with him, but has made it strictly clear that we are just friends, and that we are "not in a relationship". Of course, I have developed feelings for him, only to be told that he is not yet "ready for a relationship" and that he has been "hurt" badly in the past by the break up of a very long term relationship on mutual terms. This I understand, perhaps there are just too many differences between us for a relationship to work- although I love spending time with him, and I like being around him. So my question is this: is this how gay friendships work? Like if you have a gay friend who also happens to be single, is it normal to hookup and have sex? I know this sounds stereotypical of me, but I legitimately come from a very closeted environment, and I just have no idea. What does it mean to have a gay friend? Hoping someone can post and tell me what it's like to have gay friends- I only have this one person, and I am soo confused!
It might be worthwhile to look around and see that, these days, heterosexual relationships are also falling into this pattern of uncommitted hookups, uncertain pairings, and tender moments with nights spent together. With him, you are in the "friends with benefits" section of this vast department store of possibilities. It's sad that so many deeper relationships are avoided because of the fear of loss, or more often, the fear of missing out on a better opportunity. Fear is the operative word, and it is a powerful force... Nevertheless, I do think there is a difference between LGBT and hetero-relationships. By all means, find and make more gay friends, and yes, you will find that some will want to hook up, some for a day, some for a season and some for a lifetime. Others will be like mentors, others like confidants or matchmakers. The variety of possibilities seems to be greater in the LGBT world principally because when two people are willing to commit to each other in an exclusive relationship, it can be within a spectrum ranging from pure love to obvious practicality, there are no clear or unique models to follow, you kind of have to make it up as you go along...
Ummm I am bisexual and not gay obviously... so I don't really have the right answers. Except this: he sees you as a friend with benefits. I think gay or straight, some guys are just noncomitting like this. I have had straight guys try to put me in the fwb category. Try, I said. We can be friends, but hell to the no, no one is gonna use me for sex while claiming to be my friend. If you are fine with the fwb set up, then it's all good. But if it bothers you and you feel like it compromises your friendship, let him know this. You should totally be able to find gay friends and not sleep with them. Just let a person know after you get to know them "I'm really looking for a good friendship; not a relationship, and not a FWB either, just a good friend I can count on." Good luck!
A friendship can have whatever parameters that you'd like. I have one friend I only go to concerts with, because it so happens that's where our interests coincide. I have another friend where we never touch. No shaking hands, no hugging, nothing. Not in a "ew, you're gross" sort of way - it just so happens that our friendship evolved in that way, and it's sort of set now. And yeah, you can have friends where you have sex - once a year or once a day. As long as you're both cool with it, no harm no foul. So first off - no, being friends with a gay guy doesn't necessarily mean sex. I have plenty of gay friends where I've never even contemplated having sex with them, let alone actually having it. On rare occasions, I've had a gay friend make a move on me, and I've rebuffed it, saying "I'd rather keep the friendship platonic". And they've been cool with it. (If he DID have a problem with it, I'd probably just break off the friendship.) The main question now is - what do YOU want? He seems to have set up the relationship precisely how HE wants it. He gets the companionship, the friendship, and the sex...and he doesn't have to bother with any of that "relationship" stuff. If you're fine with that, and want it to continue, there's no problem. But it sort of sounds like you DO want more. You want a full-on relationship, and he's not interested in that. But he's not the only one who can put limitations on the relationship - you can as well. If you'd rather not have sex if there's no relationship in the cards, you can tell him that. Lex
thank you all so much for responding to my thread, I found your insight and advice very helpful and useful @Greatwhale, Lexington, bicomplicated- I do admit that I do want a serious, committed relationship with him, but by token, I also understand that this may never happen, and that with time I will grow accustomed to this idea. Even though I like spending time with him, there are certain factors, such as age discrepancy, conflicts in personality, conflicts in temperament and terrible past experiences (for the both of us), which would invariably damage any prospects of ever fostering a proper relationship with one another. Nonetheless, I am exploring my sexuality, and in the process becoming more comfortable with these many complicated niches that you have all described... Despite everything, I still struggle to separate physical attraction and sex from emotional and interpersonal connections. I understand NSA, and I understand one night hook-ups, but I still struggle to conceptually accept and understand the idea of friends with benefits in the sense that it makes sense on paper, but experiencing it is difficult to confront and master. It feels like a constant controlling of my emotions and an exercise in discipline... it makes sense- liking someone, being physically attracted to someone, being intimate with someone, spending time with someone- but for certain insurmountable reasons, being unable to commit and form a relationship. All of this makes sense I suppose, but it is still difficult to exercise in practice without becoming unhappy, still difficult to separate the entanglement and differentiating between liking someone and liking someone. I guess it's possible to like someone without really liking them to the extent of forming a relationship and committing... I suppose however it is all part of maturing as a member of LGBT... It sort of makes you realize how special a relationship really is, and in a sense, how rare one is...how a relationship manages to grow between two people after having passed many barriers- barriers of incompatibility- barriers of situation- financial barriers- goal-oriented barriers etc... I really respect those who have a working, long term and stable/healthy relationship... Still, it's a struggle putting in practice the idea of restraining oneself, or more over the idea of separating sex from emotions. Thanks for all of your insight, I hope that I can make more gay friends- and believe me, I have been trying. It just feels somewhat difficult as everyone I seem to encounter appears interested in hooking up (maybe I shouldn't use an app), and I do admit, it feels as though those who do accept the terms and conditions of being strictly "platonic friends"- that in some way they are scheming or attempting with an ulterior motive to get into your pants.
A friend who happens to have the same sexual orientation as you. You two are friends with benefits, which can also happen with straight friends. However, as you have seen, inevitably the expectations of such a relationship (and it is a relationship, if only sexual) can get out of whack. You two want different things, and you're the one who's going to get hurt with unrequited love.
@resu, thank you for your response- I understand what you are saying, and it does make sense... I am gradually working on it though. I hate the idea of a missed opportunity however, but I guess if he had wanted more, he would also reciprocate and pursue.
if he really had his heart broken in the past i can totally understand his reasons. once you been there it's extremely difficult to trust another person as they are scared they will fall in love again only to always worry about being heart broken again. depending how much time has passed it can take some time to get over that fear.. guess you have to figure out was this a legitimate excuse or is he just one of those players that just like to sleep with people without strings attached? if possible, try to talk to him about his past relationship. maybe it'll help you get an idea if it holds water or if he is BSing you about being hurt. for all you know he could have feelings for you too but doesn't want to express them because again, he could just be scared of being hurt so he probably wants to see how long you stick around and perhaps waiting to see how the friendship continues to go.. as long as he is not sleeping with other people while he is your friend, i would just continue staying by his side and show him that you care and maybe he'll come around.. just keep in mind that there is a possibility he will never be your "boyfriend" so don't set yourself with false hope.
