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New Here...really need some advice

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by FreshWhyte, Oct 3, 2014.

  1. FreshWhyte

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    I'm in a predicament that I'm sure has been posted 30,000x but maybe my situation is somewhat unique, who knows,

    So I've been friends with this guy for about five years that I met through work. I initially started hanging out with him because he seemed cool and really didn't have any sort of attraction to him whatsoever. It had always crossed my mind "what if he is gay", a thought I'm sure a lot of people in the same situation had. Nonetheless he's always been a good friend and I've left it at that. He didn't know I was gay and I had always been concerned about telling him because I didn't know how he would react.

    Lately, he's been going through some stuff at home, me too, so we've been hanging out a lot, one night while drinking I inadvertently told him I was gay, and to my surprise, he confided in me that his other best friend was bi, and so was he, he told me he respected that I told him that. We talked a lot that night, nothing sexual, and that was that.

    Since I told him this, he has wanted to hang out pretty much on a daily basis, he had a girl around and pretty much started ignoring her to hang out with me. My issue is being around him so much I've started to develop feelings for him, when I'm not with him I can't stop thinking about him, most of the time its not even sexual, its just the desire to be around him.

    After thinking about it for a few weeks one night I decided to tell him that I like him, it was a tough choice but I felt like being honest would be the best way to go, he said that he was still interested in girls but that he was almost ready to "give them up". We didn't see each other for a few days because I had to work. But when we did hang out the other day, I noticed some things that stood out to me. First, he told me he missed me, then, while having some drinks in his place he started giving me a back rub......

    Then, while talking to him he was saying some things to me and then just stopped and looked into my eyes, he then moved in like he was going to kiss me and then backed up like he was joking. Tonight, on the walk home he was talking about "think about if we were together, what we could accomplish, we could have a great life together". But then, momentarily after saying that, he said "I like you as a friend". And I just kind of laughed it off and didn't want to seem like I thought anything of it...

    So....after this long rant, what is everyone else's opinion of this situation ? He actively looks online for girls and talks about them all the time, but I'm getting this insane mixed signal from him. Its a feeling that I've never had about someone in my entire life. And its driving me insane ! lol

    Any help would be appreciated :slight_smile:
     
  2. PatrickUK

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    Welcome:slight_smile:

    It sounds like your friend has a few feelings that he needs to work through and it may take a bit of time. When he's worked through those feelings he may embrace the idea of a deeper, more meaningful relationship with you, but I also think you need to prepare yourself for the possibility that it may not happen.

    You didn't say what the "stuff" was, for either of you, but would it be reasonable to say that it brought you closer together?

    This was an interesting comment and it may explain a lot about where he is emotionally right now. Even though he admitted to being bi, he is talking about being "almost ready" to give up girls. It could be that his attraction to the opposite sex is something he feels he would need to give up completely, in order to have a relationship with you. As someone who is bi, that could be very difficult, particularly if he experiences a strong attraction to the opposite sex. Maybe he is struggling with the idea of committing to you exclusively and ruling out the possibility of intimacy with the opposite sex for as long as you are together? To him it may seem like crossing a point of no return. Does that make sense?

    The only thing you can do is give him time and space to work through his feelings. He needs to work out what is right for him, but also for you and it's best that he arrives at that decision on his own.
     
    #2 PatrickUK, Oct 4, 2014
    Last edited: Oct 4, 2014
  3. shinji

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    You are overcomplicating things, he obviously has feelings for you, whether they are "similar" to the ones you have for him, you can only find out by asking.

    Next time he does something "fishy", like that backrub or the "almost a kiss" move... Just ask him "Hey <insertrandomname> do you like me?" Then he'll say yes, then you ask "But, like, like me, as in, more than a friend?" Then he'll stop and think for a second and would either say "yes" or "no". And then you can finally move on from this situation you've gotten yourself into.
     
  4. FreshWhyte

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    Thanks for the replies, I'm definitely prepared for the idea that we may never be more than friends as I always have this fear in the back of my mind that even if we did go further that it may ruin the relationship. He has suggested before that we could "mess around" but that it would probably make things awkward, which I definitely don't want to happen.

    I think next time he blatantly flirts with me I'm going to have to say something, see what he says, and move from there. It just always sticks in my mind that anytime he makes these sort of comments, they are out of the blue when we've been talking about random stuff, so in my mind these sort of thoughts are going through his head too.

    But nonetheless, time will tell, I'll let him decide in his own time and for now be the best friend I can be :slight_smile:.
     
  5. lemons123

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    I admit i skipped reading through some parts as this looks a bit long, sorry op :frowning2:.

    but long story short: Has there EVER been anything between you both? i mean because if it's not and you're just trying to seduce a straight guy then it's really, really hard.

    If however you've had sex or kissed(tongues...) then - sure there's hope.

    it really depends but good luck!
     
  6. FreshWhyte

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    Somewhere within my long story I do mention that he has admitted that he has bi, we've never had sexual contact, he just flirts with me all the time, and has hinted at being with me down the road, and its driving me insane lol.

    But I'm starting to come to terms with things, I'm going to let him flirt all he wants, when he's ready he's ready, I'm not going to pressure him and make things uncomfortable between us. I'd rather have him as a friend forever than "hook up" with him and ruin our friendship.