Hey guys. So it's been a while, but I could use some advice concerning my relationship. I'm hoping I'm in the proper section. Some Background: My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over two and a half years now. We met online and have been in a primarily long distance relationship ever since. The distance factor has never been easy. Being far away from each other for most of the time that I'm in college is stressful. But we've made it work and the time that I do get to spend with him whenever I'm home or he comes up to visit me makes the stressful time apart feel completely worth it. Until his latest visit... My boyfriend just came up to visit me on Wednesday and is staying until this Wednesday morning. Things have been good for the most part. We've been having a lot of fun hanging out and getting to spend just about every moment together. I've been taking him out to eat, making dinner for him, walking him around my campus, going on Netflix binges with him... All that wonderful stuff. You're probably wondering what could possibly be wrong. Well, everything has been great, except when it comes time for us to have sex. For the first time since we've been together, I didn't enjoy the act. And not because something hurt or he did something I didn't like. I just didn't want to have sex with him. What's worse is that I actually had to resort to thinking of a friend of mine just so I could finish it. The first time it happened was on Thursday. I felt bad, but chalked it up to just not fully appreciating that he was actually here. But then it happened again today. Everything was fine. We came back from lunch with my friends, we had been chatting and hanging out... having a grand old time. And then he got that look in his eye and started making advances. And yet again, I had to resort to thinking of my friend to get through it. Please understand, everything on an emotional level has been great. He's one of my best friends. Just today we had been playing games and having fun and I genuinely do care about him. We've also never really had a fight either. We're both very easygoing, so that's never been an issue. Not to say he's perfect of course; no one is, and I don't expect him to be. But this recent issue with the physical side of the relationship startles me. I've had thoughts about other guys before, but it's always just been general frustration at being alone while I'm away. They always disappear whenever he's around, and I sure as hell have never thought of someone else during sex. I think what makes this even more unsettling is that it comes on the heels of me actually considering what it would be like to move on. A few weeks ago I considered what it would be like to leave him and for the first time since we've been together, I actually entertained the idea for a day or two. I brushed it off afterward as more lonely college boy hormones going rampant, but after today, I'm starting to wonder if that was really the case. Again, we have a very good relationship. I have never had any doubts about being with him prior to now. What's more. it's not even that I necessarily have feelings for someone else. The friend in question describes himself as "hetero-flexible". He's nice, but I know damn well no relationship would ever develop between us and I don't think I would want one even if it could. So it's not like I want to leave my boyfriend for him. It's just... the fact that I had to think of someone else to get through an act that I normally love to share with him and right after having those other thoughts about returning to single life... It's got me confused. Can anyone help me? Have you been here before? Is there a reason these thoughts are coming up? Do you think it was just a two time fluke, like I just wasn't in the mood or something? I'm sorry that I kinda went off on a rant, but I appreciate any help I can get.
I'm sorry, but I have to ask this question: do you still find your boyfriend attractive? I read your posting very carefully and you never mentioned it once. You did say how much fun you have, how you care about him and how he is your best friend, but there was nothing about attraction. There is no doubt that physical attraction and sexual chemistry go hand in hand, so if the spark isn't there it will feel like you are going through the motions with sex. You have both done well to maintain a long distance relationship for so long and I give you credit for that, but absence doesn't always make the heart grow fonder and you readily admit to feeling stressed by the distance and amount of time you are apart. You have made it work, but part of 'making it work' has been squeezing in time for the physical side of your relationship. So, whether or not you are in the mood, it feels like you must have sex when you have a few days or a week together. That's not really spontaneous or exciting is it? Could it be that you have lost interest as everything has fallen into a familiar pattern? You admitted to feeling frustrated and you have already considered what it would be like to move on. When you are alone you have thoughts about other guys and there is this "hetero-flexible" friend who has certainly caught your eye, all of which suggests a deeper longing for more. I hope this doesn't offend, but I'm wondering if you have already 'checked out' of your relationship - on an unconscious level? More questions than advice I'm afraid, but I think you need to consider where things are and I hope these questions may help you to arrive at a clearer understanding. I hope you can work things out. Good luck!
After two and a half years of being a long-distance relationship, I feel also (in addition to what has also been stated) that you may be feeling emotionally exhausted and burnt out from the stress of maintaining the relationship. So much so that, the moments of respite when you two do in fact meet up is no longer seemingly sufficient for the emotional toll and lack of physical spontaneity between you two... As mentioned, spontaneity may just very well be the key- we are not always in the mood for intimacy, and sometimes, having a structured, scheduled and almost habitual time table for love making (for example, feeling obligated to have sex when you two meet up simply for the sake of appeasing the lack of physicality experienced during the intermittent phases) can render the entire act formulaic and worn out. I feel awful for saying this, but I feel that, often times the moment we begin to have sexual thoughts about other people, and more frequent ones at that, is the moment that the relationship itself becomes un-salvageable. I guess feeling happy, and being satisfied are not always synonymous or symptomatic of one another... That said, since you two have already made the phenomenal effort of maintaining the relationship for more two years (without much incident too), you may just have to sit down with him and talk to him about it. Maybe things have been too smooth up to this point- with no dramas, or no major arguments, things have just become too settled and expected? I think you should talk to him, maybe see what physical quality it is within this "heteroflexible" friend of yours that you are so attracted to (e.g. is it his fitness, the way he acts, the passion?) and work through these qualities with your bf, suggesting ways to maybe spice things up. Maybe try to be a bit adventurous with your love making, who knows?
