What is wrong with me? Why is it that anyone who gets close just ends up hurting me or getting hurt? Am I really such a bad person and such a horrible individual that no matter how hard I try, I always end up in tears? I hate myself. I really do. It's like I'm falling down a bottomless pit and no matter how many times I try and stop myself or who I beg for help, they either just let me carrying on falling or end up in the pit with me. I'm a giver, it's a beautiful gift for those around me - always willing to help, always ready to lend a hand, always there with an ear to listen and time to spare and emotional energy to give away. It's a curse for me. I've given away myself, my very soul and identity to the rest of the world, and the problem with most people in this world is that they're selfish. It's a psychosocial fact. Human beings are generally selfish. So the world takes every single piece I give it. And I get nothing back. All I ask for is acknowledgement, maybe even a little gratitude here and there. Nothing much really. I don't want to give anymore, I want to be given. I want to take take take and hold it and love it and have it and just... I know I sound like the most selfish person in the universe right now, I sound horrible, needy, desperate and cruel. Please believe me when I say that that is really not my intention. Please believe when I say that there truly not a bad bone in my body, let alone a selfish one! I just feel like it's time I got something, anything back. A thank you, a cuddle, a cup of tea. Anything. The one person who causes me so much pain is also the only person I have to talk to. I don't have friends here, there's no one who actually cares, I know why... It's because the only people I befriend are the people who need help and want to take take take. So I give. And when they're full and happy and ok again, they leave or forget. He hurts me so deeply, I sit here writing this and sobbing, hardly able to breathe and he's gone to work. Left me like this, without a care in the world. I know I should leave him. I know we're not good together or right for each other, but I love him. And I'm scared... Scared of being alone, scared of the pain, scared of the world which I can hide from behind him, scared of being exposed, scared of hurting him, scared of not having someone need me, scared of loneliness. That does make me selfish. To stay with him because I'm too scared to leave. And do you know how much that rips me apart? To know that I am being selfish? To know that I am doing something for me, even though it's destroying me? If you've made it this far, bloody hell! You go! Thank you... Thank you for reading. I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm not looking for pity, I'm not even looking for anyone to care. I just needed someone to listen, anyone. Whether they care or not doesn't even matter, the fact someone took their precious time and decided to use it to read my sad, emotional ramblings means the world to me. My counsellor thinks I've come a huge way since our first session, and a lot of the time I agree. I really have started to change for the better... Until times like this. Times when the pain and rejection and lack of anything just drowns me in sorrow and loneliness and I spiral lower and lower, uncontrollably. I haven't taken my meds for 3 days now, that's probably not helping. The thing is, I can't afford to buy them. I got paid on the last Friday of September and I'm already back to zero. It's my own fault, I spent it all on him and making his birthday as perfect as I could... Not that I got any gratitude then either. Because I wanted his day to be perfect, I now have no money for food, for my meds and for the bus to work. I'll have to walk to work, and I'm used to living off pasta, that's fine. My meds- I don't know what I'm going to do, I need them. But I guess this month, I'll have to do without. Please don't pity me, please don't feel sorry for me. I don't want or need that. The fact you've read all of this, you've cared enough to stay with me... That's all I want. Someone to listen, as selflessly as I always have... Thank you and I'm so so so sorry for going on... I'm sorry. Thank you. Until next time...
(*hug*) Of course you aren't. Everyone deserves to be loved, valued and respected. The worst part about the bottomless pit is that you have to climb out of it yourself ... you might have help along the way but you have to reach out for it. It's possible, though, even if it doesn't seem that way. It's just difficult. Give it to yourself ... you're quite literally the only one who's always there, the only person that you can always depend on. Why should it be selfish to give yourself what you need? Go to that scared and hurting person inside you, and give her a hug. Allow yourself to have a pity party. It's not selfish, because you can't give to others what you yourself lack. Love is not supposed to hurt, and you deserve love that doesn't hurt. Sometimes being alone can be much better than being with someone who hurts you, but only you can decide if that's the case. Have you talked with him about your feelings at all? Asked him to help you? Do you have good times as well as the bad? It's perfectly OK to ask your significant other for a hug when you're feeling down, or to ask him to pamper you. If you are depressed and can't take your meds, that's probably affecting your view of things immensely. Can you make an emergency appointment with your counselor, at least, or do you have someone who can loan you the money to get your meds? Just remember ... this, too, will pass.
I understand how you feel. I see so much of myself in your post and how I've been most of my life. It's only been recently that I began to change this (the past year) and have finally discovered what it's like to be happy, peaceful, and appreciated. Don't put anyone else above you, you should always come first. It's ok to be alone, and trust me when I say it's preferable than to be with someone who will suck the energy and life out of you. Don't lose yourself like I did. Is there anyone you can borrow money from to get your pills? Take care of yourself because you are the only person you can truly rely on. You will meet someone someday who gives as much as you do and don't settle until that day comes. It will come and it is worth all the pain experienced that brings you to that person.
I can see myself here, too. I don't have friends in Meatspace anymore. They dropped me, in one way or another, after I came out Bi. Some just cut ties without comment, but others made it clear that I was a second-class person, the Butt Monkey, the one that should regard herself as *lucky* to have been invited at all. My friendship hadn't been enough, i guess I hadn't earned respect. Nixie, I think you are a fun person. I don't know if I can help with what's hurting you, but I can be your friend. We can talk Fashion, we can talk Warhammer. We can prepare your hideous Undead to face the might of the Empire, as if. Talk to your girl, all I want from you is what you want from me - to be friends.
You really struck a note with that one... and it makes total sense to look after myself. I damn well deserve that hug. Yeah I've told him, many times... But nothing changes for more than about 72 hours. There are good times, definitely! I have memories that will never leave me, but... I just don't think he's the right one to be looking after me when he's so selfish. A lot of me wants to be alone, but I'm so scared. terrified in fact of that thought. I've always had someone, I don't even know what its like to be single and that frightens me. I'm trying not to loose myself, but I'm scared that I might already have done and that's why discovering myself is so hard... Those words me so much to me Star, thank you so much. Thank you to all three of you, I wasn't expecting any responses, let alone such lovely and caring ones... it means the world to me to see that people actually do care... Thank you all so much. (*hug*)
I am a giver as well. I sometimes wish Nikko would see exactly how much I do or exactly what I sacrifice for him. I wish he wouldn't have said no to my one selfish request. I knew he would, I knew he would not let me call him to tell him. Yet, because I am also burdened by understanding I cannot fault him for it. I know him and I know myself, I cannot be mad at someone for not going against their nature. I shan't ignore the man asking for a donut when I have only $5 dollars because I like myself. I like how I help others, I love how I carry granola bars for the homeless when I wear a bag. I am burdened by it, as you clearly have been, but I've come to love that part of myself. Though I will say you might want to acknowledge that you will carry those memories for some time, but for you someone who will also do something in return is needed. Nikko fondly remembers the time I skipped school for him, how I would stay awake just to talk to him on his night shift. Find someone who remembers the things you do, Nixie. That's the best compliment a giver can receive, at least for me! You are you, you cannot lose yourself, only the person you where before. If you miss who you where before, then remember the person and become it. Fear is a hindrance, do your best to act with it. P.S. Remember that a smile from someone or the smallest of gestures is a thank you.
