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Conflicted Relationship - I'm out and he's in.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by mavieenrose, Oct 6, 2014.

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  1. mavieenrose

    mavieenrose
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    Hello I'm new here and is seeking advice.

    My boyfriend and I just reached a year in our relationship. The first months were magical because I've never experienced such a great thing in my life. We've had a few problems of course but our love always healed through those patches. Now an issue arose that didn't seem like a big deal in the past. My boyfriend claims to be in the closet, yet all of his friends know he's gay. His family and co-workers don't know but that's not a big deal to me.

    What bothers me is that my boyfriend keeps me a secret to most of his friends, leaving me in the "friend zone". It hurts because his friends know he's gay due to fact that my boyfriend has been so open about his past flings with men. So why deny our relationship? We live together. Go out to places. Yet he hides the fact that we are together to certain people.

    Another issue is he's a major flirt and I feel disrespected. This has been our main issue, we've talked about it but nothings really changed in one year. I'm 26 and he's 39 so he often compares me to younger guys. To try to get a reaction out of me. I know my boyfriend has some insecurity issues and they are rubbing off on me a bit

    Any words of advice will be appreciated. Be as blunt as you want. Thanks:slight_smile:
     
    #1 mavieenrose, Oct 6, 2014
  2. PatrickUK

    PatrickUK
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    It sounds like you have different perspectives on the relationship and I'm afraid this could be as much to do with the age difference as your boyfriends insecurities. Age shouldn't be a barrier to exploring an adult, healthy, respectful and loving relationship, but the couple must have the same goals. Unfortunately, age gaps involving younger people often go wrong as the dynamic of the relationship is skewed in favour of the older person, so the goals are quite different. If you don't mind me saying, that's what I see with your relationship.

    Your boyfriend is keeping you at arms length and being dishonest with his friends about the status of your relationship, he is also flirting and comparing you to younger guys. Whilst some of this behaviour can be attributed to insecurity, it could also be due to him wanting power and control within the relationship... something he is more likely to get with a younger guy. This point is further illustrated by his reluctance to change. For you, that's not healthy, and it is, as you say, disrespectful.

    Age gaps are not wrong, but it does take work and dedication when younger people are involved + a huge amount of trust and understanding. I know you are 26 and that's by no means 'too young', but there is still a difference in the relationship dynamic.

    I think you need to consider the future and whether your boyfriend is capable of change. Sorry to be blunt.
     
    #2 PatrickUK, Oct 6, 2014
    Last edited: Oct 6, 2014
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