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In a relationship w/ a guy... Have a crush on a girl

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by jezebel, Oct 6, 2014.

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  1. jezebel

    jezebel
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    I'm new and this is my first post. (Side note: I'm really excited to have found this community and am hoping it will be the accepting place I imagine it to be.)
    A tiny bit of background: I've only just come out as bisexual over the last month. I have a very long back-story (don't we all?) but for the last 4-5 years I basically had sex with/dated girls in secret (I was very religious for a long time but have been an atheist for 2 years now).
    I've actually been in a really great relationship with a guy for 2 years and my decision to tell him, my family, and everyone else had a great deal to do with the fact that as I've become more and more okay with the fact that I like girls, I've come to realize a large part of the anxiety and depression I've struggled with my whole life is a result of the dissonance between who I am inside and the person I present to the world. I ruined a really great relationship 3 years ago because I was scared to tell my family and I've been sick of, when talking about that relationship, changing the "she's" to "he's" etc. Basically, I just wanted to be honest and it all went really well.
    OKAY... so I do actually have a question. Or maybe it's more of a situation that I'd just like some honest thoughts on. I have a really serious crush on my cousin's friend (she's gay). Like, I REALLY, really like her. There are a couple big problems with this:
    1. I'm in a relationship. A good relationship. A healthy relationship. We live together.
    2. She's EIGHT years younger than me :icon_redf
    I've been feeling this way about her for about 4 months. We've only hung out a handful of times, but of course social media (twitter, instagram, fb) allows you to connect with someone a lot faster than it used to. I think if the age difference wasn't there, I honestly might tell my boyfriend how I feel, and pursue a relationship with her instead (although I have NO idea how she might feel towards me).
    I've tried to talk myself out of these feelings SO many times and I'm just not sure why they won't go away. Do I just ignore them and her and hope they go away? Is this some kind of reflection of the issues in my current relationship?
    What would you do? What do you think? (And thanks for reading all of this!)
     
    #1 jezebel, Oct 6, 2014
  2. Starfleet

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    Hi jezebel. :slight_smile: Welcome to EC. I want you to know that you're among friends. :slight_smile:

    I do think that you did well to accept yourself for who you really are. :slight_smile: Now that you're being honest about what you want, you can be happy. :slight_smile:

    I always say, be honest, be safe with the people you connect with. 8 years younger than you makes this girl 18, yes? 18 year-olds are old enough to make their own decisions. If you think you'll be happier trying with her, I wont judge. It doesn't seem like a huge age-difference to me.

    But you need to be honest with this guy. :slight_smile: If it's over, I really think you need to make it be over, with respect for the boyfriend. I think you'll respect yourself, too. :slight_smile:

    All the best jezebel. (*hug*) I'm here a lot, if you'd like to talk.
     
    #2 Starfleet, Oct 6, 2014
  3. jezebel

    jezebel
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    Thanks so much for the welcoming response, Starfleet! I really appreciate it.
    My hesitancy in pursuing a relationship with her based on her age has more to do with maturity than anything. I'm not sure a relationship between an 18 year old and a 26 year old could really work because we're just at such different places in our lives.
    My current relationship is also so healthy and he's so good to me, so I don't really know where this is coming from or really why.
     
    #3 jezebel, Oct 6, 2014
  4. Starfleet

    Starfleet Guest

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    I understand. :slight_smile: Maybe because at my age, you could *both* be my daughters? lol It doesn't look as big to me as to you.

    Can you talk to the boyfriend about how you are feeling? It won't be easy. But maybe together you can figure out where to go next?
     
    #4 Starfleet, Oct 6, 2014
  5. jezebel

    jezebel
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    That's good advice. I'll consider it... don't know if I'm brave enough.
    But seeeriously... this girl is sooo lovely! Is there a section on here where I can just talk about how great she is to get it out of my system? haha.
     
    #5 jezebel, Oct 6, 2014
  6. user123456

    user123456
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    Just like Starfleet, I'm glad for you that you are feeling better now that you came out and everything :slight_smile:

    My personal opinion: it's just a crush. A crush that has many complications.

    First and most of all, you say your relationship is healthy and functioning. Do you really want to give it up? Think about it very well!

    Secondly, there's the age difference. Of course, everybody is different, but I know how much different I personally am now, when I am 20, from the me of 2 years ago. Now add 6 more years. I personally can't see myself as a 26 year old, dating an 18 year old. But as I said, everybody is different, it might work for you. But then, you mentioned you don't even know her very well.

    BUT on the other hand, I, and I think most people here, know how love can could our minds and our rationality so strongly. So I understand why this is such a big deal for you.

    If I were you, I would probably try to ignore it, but if you grew closer, it turned out she is into you too, and if you realized your love for your BF is fading, I would probably try to pursue it. But considering you don't really know her that well, and you say you relationship is going perfectly so far, I think going after her would just be an unnecessary risk.
     
    #6 user123456, Oct 6, 2014
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