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Is my friend really confused or is he just overly affectionate?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Justabutt, Oct 6, 2014.

  1. Justabutt

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    So I recently came out to a very close friend of mine that I have known for the course of 7 years. I expressed how I felt fearing his prosecution and ousting. I told him that I had been in love with him for little over a year now and maybe longer, that feelings could have been repressed. That they could no longer be held back, that he was one of the last to know only because he was the one I cared most about. Unsurprisingly he didn't care, he was warm and nothing really has changed, there is no awkwardness.

    What confuses me is that there have been a continuous series of actions on his part that is now messing with me emotionally. For instance, he takes offense to other gay guys hitting on me. He will blatantly tell them that I am going home with him, that I will be in his bed tonight. While we do often cuddle I never thought more than it being just simple friend-to-friend bonding. The joke was cute at first, he's an adorable guy. Nerdy, passionate, charming yet now it's becoming almost like lost hope of something that will never be. It messes with me. Another scenario is he's becoming a lot more psychical, we'll rough house and, sometimes, eventually fall asleep in each others arms spooning on the ground of my apartment or his place. Then he's taken a huge liking to being nearly nude around me. He's always not worn T-shirts but now it will be him in nothing more than short running shorts or lose fitting basketball shorts. He'll even run through the house in nothing more than a towel after a 'sudden need to shower' bending over always in front of me, sometimes I see his ass. Then one night, after his usual escapades, he allowed me to hold his ass while we cuddled in my bed. Then, he hit me and scooted over after about 20 minutes of being in that position. It wasn't like he was sleeping, he was talking the whole time.

    I don't want to ruin anything. He comes to me for advise with his girlfriend, he constantly reminds me how much he dislikes who she is and how he doesn't really have that 'bond' with her. It's like I say break up with her if you're not in love with her but I can't be sure that's me saying that due to my want for him to be mine or because I really care that he is happy. It's true that she loves him more than he loves her, she practically drives herself mad worrying that she displeased him in some way. It's not that I dislike her either, we've had a lot of fun going out together, dinners and such. We're friends. I just sometimes wonder if he's unhappy because he's hiding who he really is or something. Then again I am wishing it true, hopeful thinking and all. Another thing is that he hasn't been blunt with his sexuality, he avoids it I think. Either that or he thinks it to be so obvious that he need not tell me. I don't want to risk upsetting him or annoying him by making it seem he's being forced to tell me what he likes sexually. Be it boys and girls or whatever. I much rather he be a friend and keep making me feel loved than to have it all go away due to my insecurities playing of his or something. Like, making him think that he's doing something 'emasculating' or 'gay'. Yet I don't always want to be going in circles wondering if there will ever be something there for us. I mean, he seems more interested in keeping me as close as possible than any other guy I've ever been with or known.

    What do you think? Should I confront him, ask him to state what may ruin what I have going now or do I let it play out, seeing where it goes? Is he really sexually confused, being only 18, or is he just a very affectionate?
     
  2. Rainbows~Exist

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    I'm pretty sure he's gay or at least bi to some degree. I mean, no truly straight guy would do all that...
     
  3. shinji

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    Gay, definitely! Maybe... like 15-20% bi.

    Next time you two are together and he starts snuggling up to you just say this:

    "Hey <insertname>, do you like me?"

    then he'll say yes, then you ask

    "No, i mean, (slight pause) do you like, (slight pause) love me?"

    then he'll say yes (yes he will, who are we kidding, you two are practically a couple now, you just haven't admitted it yet to one another)

    then you say

    ...actually, no, you don't say anything. This is the moment you go in for a kiss! (make sure you've brushed your teeth and used mouth wash)

    If he does in fact say no... say this

    "Are you sure, because it doesn't seem like it, you do know i love you, (slight pause) right?"

    then he'll remain silent and after about 30 to 60 seconds, go in for the kiss!

    As for the girl... Screw her, yeah... be her friend and all that but... do yourself (and your friend) a favor and end it. It's not like they are happy together (are they?). Put your own happiness before that of others, at least for once! He could be... the one!
     
  4. Justabutt

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    Shinji, that sounds a little romanticized to me. Sure I'd love it to happen but I think if I went in for the kiss he'd most likely distance himself. I'm out, Ive dated and I'm not a kid... I don't think barging on someone else's love life is a good idea as a mature individual. As I've said, if that were to happen I'd be on cloud nine but I think there are better ways to handle this.

    Why do you say that, dr.rorschach? Is it really 'gay?' Im not being smart assed here, Im Simple asking why you think this makes him most likely gay/bi? I really don't want to risk ruining our relationship...what do you think I should do?
     
  5. clovis

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    i think the only thing you can do... is have a frank conversation with him... and you can say it like... you know how i feel about you, but i am getting mixed messages from you and i want to know how you feel about me?

    I think he will be honest, and if he asks why you are asking... then you can talk about some of the signs/signals hes giving you.

    and if he says he just wants to be friends... say that's cool, but he needs to slow up with the flirting!

    and if he says he wants more... then get to it... and go in for that kiss!!! lol
     
  6. Jan92

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    Here's two things I'd like to point out:

    1) The only way to clear things up is talking to him. Otherwise, you'll be always haunted by the "what if" thoughts, and in my opinion, that's way worse than talking to him about it.

    2) Neither assume he won't reciprocate your feelings nor the opposite. I think in your case there's a 50/50 possibilities for both scenarios, so be prepared!

    Anyway, good luck and keep us posted!
     
  7. Justabutt

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    Day two of not hearing back from him... I am giving him time to think but this waiting is so excruciating. It's like going to the doctors knowing you're gonna have a major surgery with a 50/50 odd of dying. I just want it to end, for him to say something.

    I'll continue to let him think about what has transpired, I'll be patient, I'll not pressure him into answering something I know is complex. I can just slowly feel the depression kick in, I've barely eaten anything these last few days and things I was once interested in are slowly becoming boring, as if there is no joy to be had anymore. I slept in as soon as I got off classes and didn't wake up till early this morning. I thought I was prepared for the worst when I told him, knowing that I would have a 50/50 odds of ruining things....I thought I was ready but now I can tell you I just want it to go back to the time before all this...
     
  8. Jeph

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    So you actually told him about your feelings? If so, I'd give it more time. Two days is not a lot.
     
  9. Will2M

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    Wait so you asked him? How'd he react? We want to help!
     
  10. Justabutt

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    This has to have been one of my worst mistakes ever made in my life. He's barely talking to me and when he does it's because I have something he wants. For instance, he invited a couple friends over to his place to play games. He came over to my house out of the blue and asked to borrow my system because more people showed up than he thought and they needed a second system. When I told him no, he got upset, acted as if though he was entitled to it. Whenever I try to talk to him about this, he simply gets angry and tells me that we're friends still. I know he says this just to shut me up though...The only time he talks to me is when he wants something now.

    Before we'd spend hours together, we'd be glued to one another like best friends are but now he's skipping any invite to lunch, to come over for movie night with my friends, not taking my calls nor is he answering my text. The only time I hear from him is when I have something he wants, it's sad that my seven years invested with him are seemingly ending like this. He can't stand to be around me, I am so confused because all the signs he was giving was he liked me too but in reality he's distancing himself due to my expression of feelings.

    I'm sinking deeper into depression, I knew this was an outcome that was possible but it was the least likely in my head. If anything I thought he'd be upset for a couple days, talk to me and we'd move on...Now I am just another gain, another person he can use. Sad part is, I am allowing it to happen all in the hopes that he will be like he was before I told him. My advice, unless you know 100% that your best friend is gay and shares feelings for you too don't say anything. Bottle them up, compartmentalize them into neat little stacks of feelings deep, deep within you because more than likely you will lose him.

    I have a mid-term soon, I have to get to studying. Thank you for the support and helping me through it somewhat.
     
  11. shinji

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    Something is not right here... The reaction you are describing is not something that could have been a result of you talking to him, considering the first description you gave. What exactly happened between you two, that led to him acting out this way? What did you tell him, and how?

    Is it possible you are overthinking things to a point where you actually see "stuff" where there are none? I mean, you said so yourself... You've known each other for 7 years, it's highly irregular that he would suddenly turn into this completely different person, just because you told him.
     
  12. Justabutt

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    Well, lets see. . . I am two and a half years older than he is. We've been friends since elementary school. I came out to everyone, my parents and family included, but him due to fear of losing him. I've had repressed feelings for him since high school, when he was a freshman and I a junior. When I finally came out to him I gave it about two-weeks before I admitted to him why I really came out to him, due to the fact that I've been in love with him for years.

    My confession went somewhat like this: " Nick, I have something to tell you and it's something that worries me because you're the most important person in my life. I've known you longer than I've really known myself if that makes sense... So what I say is hard for me. I love you...and it's not something I really have control over. I know the possibility of you loving me back in the same way are slim but it's something I must take a chance on. Something that has been at the back of my mind but the forefront of my heart for a long while now. Those nights when you have me hold you, where you put your arms around my own and pull me close... those are magic. The subtle breathing against my bare skin reminds me I am not alone, that there is someone I care about. It's special to me....Yet it also confuses me, there's hope within those small moments. Hope keeps me wanting you, hoping you're the same as me yet I know the chances are slim. I know this is somewhat shocking, maybe it's even a betrayal....But I think you're lonely too.. All those nights you come to me about pushing your friends away, that you really don't know how to be loved...I'm afraid you'll do the same to me knowing my expressed feelings."

    He took it somewhat like: " I don't really know, I mean, I get it being in your shoes. You fall in love with people and that's not your choice. I do get it though." All my expressed feelings and that was the answer he gave. The rest of the day he avoided me, the next few he spoke to me barely, now.... He only comes to me when he wants something from me. I didn't think he'd run... It's not like I am going to pounce on him, force him into a sexual situation without his consent. He's my favorite person, I don't understand why he doesn't get that. I'm moving on now that I've expressed everything to him.

    It could be the night we snuggled....I mean I didn't mean to make the move it just happened. We were talking and my hand just went for his ass. I put my hand on his rear. He didn't move though, he just allowed it. He continued talking, chuckled a bit, and that was that. He enjoys having someone hold him, which is why I am so confused. I get the idea of security, the idea that maybe he's lonely too and just wanted someone he could trust next to him? Maybe my confession made it all to sexual? Maybe it put a damper on his manhood, that he would allow a gay dude that loved him to hold him at night?

    I have also really come to him with my fears. I cry to him because he doesn't talk to me anymore. I cry and he tells me to stop being an idiot, that we're still friends. That we grew up together and that wont change. Then why doesn't he ever invite me to do things with him anymore, why doesn't he confess his fears to me anymore, he doesn't talk to me and he certainly doesn't come around me anymore. When I mentioned this he said something like: " Okay, bb, you'll be my ONE and ONLY. You nosy fuck, shit." To which I responded: " I'm not trying to invade on your privacy but you don't talk to me anymore, you never come to me for advice like you used to. Hell, you don't even say hi to me anymore. The only time I see you is when you want something. For instance, last Friday when you came for my PS4. I answered the door and you just asked for my device. Didn't say hi, didn't come in. You just wanted and when I said no, you left." He didn't respond till the next day when he told me I'm a whiny needy bitch. Is it me? Could I be overly thinking this situation? Possibly but I do notice a radical change with him.
     
  13. shinji

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    Ugh, don't hate me for this, but...

    You had something special, you decided to be honest, projected your feelings, felt angry that he didn't return them and now you are over thinking (again) stuff...

    Couldn't you have just come out to him, like... casually, without doing a whole essay on the subject of how you felt?

    Imagine him, you stuffing all this onto him, did you actually even expect for him to share his opinion or did you just want to unload and see what happens?

    And, yeah you made it sexual... how can you not have, i mean, did you read what you typed just now, the part that you told him. What reaction did you expect?!

    People are stupid, and slow... they need time to process, that is why when it comes to admitting feelings, we take it slow and one step at a time, we don't shoot them point blank with all we've got.

    Distance yourself, then retry! That is, if you still have feelings for him.

    Don't be rude to him, pushy, demanding explanations and stuff like that... Just, make yourself "unavailable" for some time, so he can start missing you.
     
  14. Justabutt

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    It is what it is. I had no choice really, it was driving me crazy being around him without telling him how I felt. I was being honest with him and myself. Sure maybe it was a bit much, sure maybe I was a little too close with the ass grab. . . But years of waking up to an empty bed because the gay community I know only seems to be superficial has made me want something more. I went for it. I didn't do it in the best manner but I still made that leap of faith.

    If it's my fault so be it but I wouldn't ever abandon a relationship so abruptly due to something so minor. Yeah, btw I've yet to mention he does much more when he's drunk. He like to think it's funny grabbing me down there... So yeah, excuse me for being confused. I thought that much was clear. . .