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What if I'm wrong? From blog to thread...

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by ClosetNixie, Oct 6, 2014.

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  1. ClosetNixie

    ClosetNixie
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    I need advise... I need answers.
    So I have brought my blog here, because I've never known a sweeter and more helpful community...

    Me and my boyfriend broke up this evening. There were two reasons:

    1. We haven't been doing very well recently and the arguments became too much.

    2. I think I'm gay.

    But what if I'm wrong? What if it's just an odd feeling and I've got it all confused and I'm actually just Bi?

    I'd have let him go for nothing. Absolutely nothing.

    I want to call him right now and tell him I'm wrong, tell him that I've thought about it and I'm so wrong and we will be perfect... It physically hurts to not message him...

    Yet that begs another question; what if I'm right?

    What if I am gay and I keep suppressing it and keep pretending and then eventually it gets too much but I'm married with children and a happy husband?

    I know people have had that experience, and I know that for some people that was the right time. But I don't know how I'd be able to live with myself destroying such a happy family, I'd rather lie.

    The arguments, I could live with - in fact, I'd rather argue everyday and feel upset and bitter and whatever - instead of feel like this.

    I think it's the confusion that's hurting the most, and the fear. I'm scared of everything.

    I'm scared that if I stay with him, nothing will change.

    I'm scared that if I leave him and I'm wrong, I'll never get him back.

    I'm scared that I'm right and then I have to face my entire life changing.

    I'm scared of being alone... I don't even know how to be alone!

    I'm scared that he'll find someone else and then I'll realise I'm not gay and he'll be happy and I'll be heartbroken forever.

    I'm scared of not knowing and not understanding.

    When we were talking earlier, after the break up, I tried to explain how I felt and what was going on in my head. He looked at me and just said it:

    "You're gay"

    There was no anger, no hate, no bitterness, no attitude, nothing. Just a stand alone comment that shook me to the depths of my very being.

    I wish I had told him that I'd been cheating, that I'd found my Prince/Princess Charming and was eloping into the sunset. Because that would make him angry, and that would make him shout at me and hate me and never want to see me again.

    I could deal with that. I've dealt with heartbreak for as long as I can remember and coping with anger and upset and whatever is normal to me, I can do that.

    What I can't deal with is the acceptance. I can't cope with the fact that he's ok with this and not angry and willing to help and stuff, it's horrible!!
    It's horrible because it makes me fall in love with him all over again...

    We really aren't good together, people that know us were really surprised when we said we were dating. Everyone said they could never picture us together, we are so different.

    Yet for a year now, we've made it work. And it has been a wonderful year, full of inside jokes and memories and fluffy goodness.

    I don't think I can do this... I would rather live a comfortable lie than be alone... I can't loose him...

    WHAT DO I DO!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH :tears : :icon_sad:

    Until next time...
     
    #1 ClosetNixie, Oct 6, 2014
  2. CrazyAwkward

    CrazyAwkward
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    Hello. I'm sorry you're hurting right now. And I'm sorry that I don't have any advice or insight that would be helpful. Until someone comes along who does, I hope this hug helps a little bit (*hug*)
     
    #2 CrazyAwkward, Oct 6, 2014
  3. Starfleet

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    Nixie, you know what I think, but I'll repeat it here. It's not about being straight, Bi, or Gay. It's about loving a man that doesn't treat you with respect or caring. You said you "really aren't good together". What if you get him back, and you go for years of his not appreciating you? Not caring that you give him so much more than he gives you? What if you had his kids, and the kids see him treating you with disdain and indifference? Isn't this the guy that let you spend your meds money on him?

    Is being alone, right now, really worse than that?

    And you aren't alone. Your girl Starfleet is right here. I won't leave you alone.

    It's not about straight, Bi, or Gay. It's about not being treated like you are nothing.

    (*hug*)
     
    #3 Starfleet, Oct 6, 2014
  4. Ophelia

    Ophelia
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    I'm so sorry you're going through this. (*hug*)

    I'm not sure how helpful I can be, but I'm here for you too. You're not alone.

    And I agree with Starfleet, finding someone who loves and respects you for you is the most important thing.
     
    #4 Ophelia, Oct 6, 2014
  5. Alt

    Alt
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    I'm confused as to how it was implied that her boyfriend does not respect or care for her. If anything, seeing as how he apologized and recognized he was wrong about the Xbox One and supporting her when she said she might be lesbian, I'd say he was quite the character. I'd say roll a dice or roll a coin as I believe in luck but that will likely not satisfy you. Weigh how much a relationships where you are unsure if you are attracted to the man sexually versus potentially finding out that you are still somewhat attracted to manly bits and him moving on.

    I would personally try and find out if I am actually attracted to vaginas since I dislike not knowing things about myself. Yet, seeing as you said you would cope with denying that possibility and constantly having that what if? perhaps that is not your road. Seeing as he is comfortable, ask him if he's okay with perhaps abstaining while experiment. It is a bit unreasonable, but it might work.

    Lying to yourself is fine, just don't come to despise the target, or source, of your lies.
     
    #5 Alt, Oct 6, 2014
  6. Starfleet

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    #6 Starfleet, Oct 6, 2014
  7. Alt

    Alt
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    Thanks! I read the blogs but didn't see this post. You've been quite supportive Starfleet.
     
    #7 Alt, Oct 7, 2014
  8. Starfleet

    Starfleet Guest

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    Of course, after what you said I realized that not everyone had seen Nixie's other posts. :slight_smile:
     
    #8 Starfleet, Oct 7, 2014
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