I've been in an ambiguous relationship with another guy for about a month. I wouldn't say we were dating or boyfriends, but we weren't just friends. I met him online so we live apart and therefore couldn't see each other but I had feelings for him. Recently he told me that he couldn't handle a long distance relationship because it would drive him crazy not being able to have a physical connection and he'd end up hurting me. I did share some of that feeling because there were times I wanted nothing more than to feel his embrace, but I felt as though I could live with just an emotional connection until we could have more than that and I thought he was worth trying for. So despite my doubts I continued to feel more and more attached. When he told me how he felt I felt rejected and not good enough. Despite his reassurances that the issue was that he couldn't handle a relationship but still wanted to stay in contact because he liked talking to me, I couldn't shake off the feeling that I wasn't good enough, that I wasn't worth at least giving it a go. I told him that I couldn't keep talking to him because I'd be hoping too much that he would change his mind, I'd be reading into everything he'd say and it would make me lose my mind. He was understanding which I was grateful for but at the same time it also made me a little bit more upset because again I felt like I was easy for him to let go. It's been just a few days and I'm struggling to forget him. My heart tells me to go back to him and stay in contact because he makes me happy but my head tells me to forget about him because my feelings aren't 100% reciprocated and he made me feel like I wasn't good enough. I don't want to have feelings for him anymore because I think I deserve someone who does want me and wouldn't end things so soon. Sometimes I feel like I overreacted because he just felt uncomfortable committing, but still wanted to keep me in his life and I felt like I came across as if I wanted him for nothing other than a relationship. Other times I feel like I did the right thing because I think I deserve someone who would still want a relationship despite their fears or discomforts, and it would save me more heartbreak in the long-term. I don't know whether I should talk to him again or if I should forget about him. My head and my heart are constantly battling each other and I really don't know which to follow. I'd be really grateful if you could offer any advice or just your own perspective!! Thank you.
Unless you're willing to uproot yourself and move in the near future to where he is, I think protecting yourself and your heart is definitely the right thing. I also think that his decision making you feel "not good enough" is a reflection of a deeper insecurity within you that I'd encourage you to address and try to work through before you try to commit to any relationship. I totally understand the temptation to go back and stay in contact with him but it would only cause your feelings for him to grow deeper and if there's not a possibility of you living in the same area in the future, then the deeper your feelings get, the longer it's going to take you to climb out of the pit of despair when he starts dating someone else or cuts ties completely.
I agree with a lot of what you say. The thing is, I would be willing to uproot myself and move but I wouldn't be able to do that until my 2nd year of uni (which would be in 2016/17).. I think I'm gonna put our relationship on hold and just let him know that although I still have feelings for him I'm okay with taking a break to let things sort themselves out. I'll get over it eventually.
Well if you'd be willing to move, then I do think there could be a relationship to be had there. I think long distance gives you the opportunity to get to know one another in a deeper way without the distraction of physical sexual tension. And it's not as though you wouldn't see each other at all, you could visit each other a couple times a year (or more often depending on your financial situations), there's skype and facetime, and it's definitely doable IF there's an end game in sight. I guess, though, if he knows that you'd be willing to move in a couple of years and still doesn't want to pursue a relationship, then he isn't someone you should spend your time investing in. And him not wanting to be a part of a long distance relationship has nothing to do with you and everything to do with his own limitations.
This was originally the perspective I had. There was always a point in time that we could've theoretically been together, ie he planned to move to England from France in the future. He studies English at uni and there's transfer possibilities within the UK, not sure exactly when/where though. I would've been entirely willing to transfer whenever I could. I managed to get over it and find closure by forgiving him. My feelings were hurt but I realised part of that was my own hypersensitivity. Once I took a step back and realised that I was taking things a little faster than he was comfortable with, I completely understood where he was coming from. I care about him so I wanted us both to have closure and leave no negative feelings behind, so I apologised to him. I sent him a message explaining how I felt and that I was ready to start over as friends, he reacted surprisingly well and said that he had been "craving" for me to say what I said but didn't expect it so soon, and that coming back made him happy. Now although I still have some kind of love for him, it's more that I'm willing to take things slower and at his pace. Overall I'm pretty happy with where we are and it's taught me that you can't get past anger/resentment until you forgive the person, because anger/resentment are obsessive emotions that make you think about them all the time. Thanks for your replies Jezebel, they definitely helped me to take a step out of my own emotions to think about things properly!!
