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Girlfriend with anxiety and depression

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Ibz, Oct 10, 2014.

  1. Ibz

    Ibz
    Regular Member

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    Hey all... haven't been on here for a while, but I'm struggling with something right now and I have no idea who to turn to.

    I've been dating an amazing girl for over a year. Mostly, everything's great. We're totally in love, we get each other, we're good at talking things through when we have disagreements, etc etc etc. We were best friends before we were dating and our relationship still has a best friend component. I feel like I know her better than anyone else.

    Recently, she's really been struggling with anxiety and depression, and it makes me really worried. She's struggled with this stuff off and on for years, but it's been bad again recently, partially due to an unfulfilling/stressful job she had this summer (which , coincidentally, I helped her find.) She has a therapist she really likes and meets with every couple of weeks. So I guess I'm not really looking for help with finding help for her- she's got that under control.

    I guess I don't exactly what I am looking for, but I'm feeling really lost. I don't have personal experience with mental illness (I think, anyway) and I've always been kind of bad at helping someone who's feeling sad. I get upset sometimes when she feels stressed out and/or depressed and then I feel guilty for feeling that way when she's the one who's really hurting. Sometimes I get really mad at her because what she's feeling doesn't make any sense to me or it results in her saying something kind of hurtful and then I feel guilty for that.Sometimes I blame myself because a lot of the problem is this job I helped her find in a discipline I encouraged her to pursue. I read things onnline about how to help someone with these kinds of mental illnesses, but they seem to ignore the fact that I have feelings too... I'm not some perfect robot who always does the right thing at the right time. I feel like I've been really on edge lately which probably isn't helping her at all.

    Everyone else seems to think that our relationship is perfect and that we're the cutest couple ever. I feel strangely closeted, in a sese, because our relationship isn't perfect at all and I haven't talked about it to anyone but her. I don't know how to help her, I'm trying to learn, but I feel lost and confused... Does anyone have an resources to recommend... or maybe just a virtual hug?
     
  2. TheStormInside

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    Hey Ibz, it can be rough to be close to someone with these issues. I have anxiety and depression myself, and my ex had quite severe depression. It's great that your gf is seeking help on her own and managing her illness.

    My first piece of advice to you is to remember these are *her* problems, not yours. You can be there to support her or keep her company but you can't tackle her issues for her, that has to come from her. Regarding the job, it sounds like that's over, at the time you thought you were being helpful and it didn't turn out as you expected... so maybe it was a mistake, but people make mistakes. You don't need to keep blaming yourself for that.

    Second, some people would like to be able to talk out their problems... some want advice, some just want someone to listen and tell them it'll be ok. Some people would rather a distraction, like something fun to do, instead of talking. Do you know what seems to help your gf the most?

    Also, if this is a condition she has had for awhile it's likely she's going to continue to have these problems, maybe not all the time but every so often. She may realize that the way she's reacting to things is over the top, but she can't control it so well either. Sometimes you just have to be patient and understanding when someone is flipping out about something you don't think is a big deal. Telling someone with anxiety that what they're anxious over is "no big deal" belittles their feelings. And often we know it's "no big deal" but our minds react that way, anyway.

    I hope some of that helps... I'm happy to answer any other questions or thoughts you might have.
     
  3. jezebel

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    Ahhh sending you a HUGE virtual hug, first of all.
    I can tell how much you’re struggling with this and how much you love her. Like Storm^, I’m responding as someone who has struggled with anxiety and depression my entire life (and also as someone finishing my masters degree in psychology) and my first suggestion would be for YOU to go talk to a therapist. I think a huge part of what’s making this weigh on you so heavily is that you’re feeling isolated with it and haven’t felt able to talk to anyone about what’s going on. If she would be comfortable with you seeing her therapist, that would be my first recommendation—not necessarily to talk about HER issues but to address what you mentioned about not being “some perfect robot who always does the right thing at the right time.” Talking to someone who, while unable to share any information about your girlfriend and her sessions, has an internal understanding of what you’re girlfriend is going through, will offer you a certain piece of mind and allow the therapist the ability to give you the best tools possible to adddress your specific situation.
    If you’re gf isn’t comfortable with you seeing her therapist (or, for some reason, YOU’RE not comfortable with seeing her therapist), I still think that talking to any therapist as an unbiased party can help you a lot—as opposed to searching for generalized articles online, a one-on-one session with a therapist can give you specific advice, even if he/she doesn’t know your gf.

    Aside from that, I wonder if you’ve sat down with your gf (at a good time—not when either of you are “on edge”) and asked her how she wants you to react/what she needs from you in different situations? If she’s able/willing to take the time and do the self-reflection required to figure out exactly what she needs when she’s feeling anxious or depressed, it could help you a lot. You can’t be expected to read minds. (For example: when I’m anxious about something I’ve realized I need to talk out exactly what’s making me anxious really specifically with my partner, and have him/her give his/her perspective on it without being judgemental at all—this usually requires him/her to repeat what I’m saying back to me first; but when I’m having a panic attack, I need him/her to hold me really tight and breath really loudly and slowly for me to mimic; and when I’m depressed I generally want to be left alone completley but first have him/her ask me if I want to talk about it and if I do, then I literally need them to verbally agree with everything I’m saying, even if they really disagree internally… etc.) If your gf can identify specific things like that and let you know, I think it would give you more of a sense of control and to feel as though you have a plan so there isn’t so much anxiety for you surrounding the possibility that any kind of “episode” could happen any time.

    *HUGS*