Hey . Recently I've been trying to get into the gay scene where I'm from, and try and find someone through online apps and stuff, and I feel like I'm unwanted or not worthy. I feel kind of pathetic tbh, I really want someone, and not just for a one off but emotional reasons. I feel like I want a person in my life who I can rely on and who I can talk to and tell anything, and know that they won't turn around and stab my back when someone better comes along. All my life I feel like I'm walked all over and treated in subordination, and tbh I'm kind of fed up with it. I want people to treat me like an equal human being, not their pawn or belonging who'll act and do what they want when they want. I'm putting my foot down I suppose, but it's kind of hard at the minute for me. Like I said, I'm putting my foot down, but I still feel like people place themselves above me or think they are almighty and glorious, and really I just wish those people would stop existing in my life. I want to cut them out but I can't, because of school and friend groups, and no matter where I go they will be there. I've never had a boyfriend, I've only came out in the last year, and I've never had or seen anyone be even remotely interested in me beyond friendship. It kills me inside that I try so hard to show others love and care about others, and whilst I come across as cold-hearted sometimes, my intentions are pure. I feel like people who don't realise what they have and how good they have it are the ones who get everything, and that further adds to my frustration and annoyance. I despise the cockiness and attitudes of some people, and when they're in relationships all they do is whine and complain about their other half, and forget why they're in a relationship. I would happily give everything to be in their position, and I feel like they just abuse the position they're in with someone else, and forget how amazing it is that they have someone else who cares about them. I know I have friends and family who care about me, and I'm not in an insecure or potentially dangerous position mentally, it's just that friends and family can't give what I want. Sometimes I think how much easier it would've been if I had stayed closeted and kept lying to myself :icon_sad: :help:
I feel, and have felt, the exact same way, Tyr. Just keep waiting; the one for you will appear when you least expect him to. I'm really sorry that you can't get away from some of these people, and I, too am seen as cold and a loner when really I have good intentions. I've looked at couples, especially ones arguing about idiotic things, with both longing and irritation. Keep on going, man. You're tough. I can tell. But trust me; things would not have gone better if you had kept lying to yourself... You made the right decision. Good luck!
