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Homophobic best friend?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by PrinceFabulous, Oct 10, 2014.

  1. Alright, so my best friend... He's gotten homophobic in the last few months, and honestly, I can't handle it anymore. I don't know what to do.

    Honestly, I'm completely convinced he's a closet case. There's a bit of evidence:

    - Not to endorse stereotypes, but honestly, you can tell by how he acts.
    - I see a lot of closet guys try to be ladies' men. He tries to ask out like every girl he meets.
    - A loooooong time ago whenever I came out, he said he thought he might be bisexual, and he even seemed a little okay with himself.
    - He once admitted to me he thought he was gay. He told me he can feel nothing romantic for girls, just friendship feelings... He said it wasn't true later, but it was obvious he was lying.

    But a few weeks later, he denied it completely, and he said he was as straight as a board. A few weeks after that, I caught him telling a friend that he was still confused about his sexuality; I never confronted him, I figured he'd come around in his own time.

    But ohhh, was I wrong. He slowly started to use "gay" as an insult, and he seemed a little uncomfortable when anything that had to do male bisexuality/homosexuality was discussed. It was strange; he was never like that before. I brushed it off, thinking once again, he'd come around.

    Then it happened. He completely changed.

    He had a girlfriend, and then she dumped him, coming out to him as lesbian. Ever since that day, he's claimed to hate lesbians, and he FREAKS out in the presence of them. His discomfort and dislike towards gay/bi males disappeared, and he completely began to hate any girl who wasn't straight.

    For the longest time, he went on like this, being lesbophobic. For months and months, it went on. It made me so angry. He even became transphobic. I was so angry, but he was my best friend... I felt like I might lose him if I said anything. I was too scared, and plus, I didn't want to be mean, even though he was in the wrong.

    But, now, today, I found out not only does he not like lesbians... He doesn't like gays, either. He told me that if he found out he had a gay/lesbian child, he'd disown them. Maybe even hurt them. At this point, I couldn't do it anymore. I was so hurt that he hated the LGBT community, and that he would say things like that to his openly gay best friend. I feel like my best friend is gone...

    What should I do...?
     
  2. RedSwiss

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    I think you should confront him, but avoid the topic of his own sexuality, just talk about how you've noticed hes been using a lot of homophobic insults and you're concerned he'll offend someone.

    Its a bit of a cheap way to sway this kind of conversation, but you can always pull the "You wouldn't use the N word as an insult, so why do you use "Gay" as an insult?"

    As for his own sexuality, he sounds a closet case, but hes clearly just having trouble with coming to terms about it, so hes lashing out. His toxicity towards lesbians is probably due to the fact hes deeply angry about his girlfriend being lesbian. If he truly is trying to hide the fact hes gay/bi/whatever else, he probably saw his girlfriend being lesbian risked blowing his cover by coming out.

    For some reason, closeted people seem to think they if they surround themselves with gay friends, people will assume they're gay also.
     
  3. doglover44

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    The whole situation ticks me off
     
  4. dapulu

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    First of all, do you want to keep him as your best friend as he is right know?

    I'm guessing he knows about you from your last paragraph. If he does know I'd suggest explaining him that his comments hurt you, deeply. Have you tried debating his points? Or asking more about why he hates them so much? If you haven't said anything you're in the wrong too.

    It seems to me that you're not being clear about your stance with him. Being openly gay doesn't exactly mean you're defending your lifestyle. A fair amount of gay men don't agree with the way gays are stereotyped or the way other gay men present themselves. They don't agree with the "pride parades" and hate effeminate men, and a few of them hate being gay and wouldn't wish it on anyone and even are part of antigay organizations, or "cure the gay in you" campaings. Have you shared your view on LGBT issues? Marriage? Adoption? One crucial part after the process of coming out is keeping the people that accept you and try and prove to the ones who don't, if you want, that you're still the same person and you deserve to be happy too. A lot of people change their minds little by little. They start understanding that to most of us, it isn't a choice. They start to see the hardships that we've had and the injustice and slur we get sometimes...and they get sensitive and start supporting us. But you need to take charge and share the way you see things. A big saying in my country says "Silence is consent"...you keep silent and he just thinks he's right because no one disagrees with him.

    From what I saw in your post I'm guessing you also think he's just being hateful because he was hurt by his girlfriend. Have you confronted him about it? It seems childish to me for a person to change his/her views in a whole group just because of an individual in that same group. And I think you share that thought. Have you asked him if he hates you too because you're gay? If he wants to hit you just because you're gay? If he has forgotten all the good times you had together?

    Because if you're best friends, as a best friend sometimes you need to be the one to slap the bullshit out of him. And I just mean it in the way he's seeing LGBT issues just because of his ex-girlfriend.

    Whatever closet issues he has, you can only support him from the back because it's a journey he needs to make. If he says he's straight, you just don't say anything or nod your head. You can help him by sharing your life experiences, your hardships, by clearing misunderstandings he has about LGBT related stuff, becase A LOT of people don't know their shit. And you can just talk to him about it in a very friendly way. Don't accuse him or put him in a tight spot. Just when he says those hateful comments, start by sharing your experience in those aspects of your life. Share with him the good sides too. Plant little by little the seeds that will make him understand that being something other than straight IS OK. It's not the end of the world. Patience is key though.

    If you want to, you can have a lot chat with him explaining your points and how you feel about your friendship. If you want to end it, say so.

    This is advice I give from my experience in life, and believe me have I had a bit too many for my age. Friends come and go. Some friendships stay for a longer time than others and a little tiny bit endure most of your life. So, if you want to let him go, the do so. When he hits a low and notices something's missing in his life, he'll probably be back. Just don't be cold towards him all of a sudden. Explain it to him. Try debating his hateful comments first if you want. Keep at it and if he can't stand it, good luck to him.

    I truly hope you can keep the friendship and your friend gets a bit more tolerant in LGBT realted issues.

    Good luck and keep us updated :slight_smile:
     
    #4 dapulu, Oct 10, 2014
    Last edited: Oct 10, 2014
  5. I'll be sure you keep you updated.

    I'm thinking I'll talk to him today, but I'm not sure how I should get him to talk without him getting angry or ignoring me. It's a sensitive subject for him, but it needs to be done.


    I also haven't actually made my views on LGBT clear, I guess I ought to do that and then tell him that he really has hurt me with what he said.

    I'll tell you guys how it goes, but I doubt I'll get anywhere near solving this issue today.
     
  6. ravenclaw

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    Im in the same situation. He's really homophobic and it's starting to get to me. Be sure to tell me how you handled this.:help:
     
  7. Alright, I talked to him, but this definitely isn't the end of it...
    I confronted him, telling him he was being more homophobic. All he says is,
    "I can't hide I hate lesbians."
    So I ask,
    "What about gays? You said you'd disown your gay son along with your lesbian daughter if you had one."
    All he replies is,
    "I would. I want my kids to be straight."

    After a bit of talking, he changed the subject. He tried to say he's cool with gays, and it's just lesbians he doesn't like, but from his previous statement, it's obvious that's not true. I don't know what to do; knowing him, and what he's confessed to me before, he's definitely a closet case. But he's nowhere near accepting it, and from what I've seen, these homophobic phases lasts until the person accepts them self, so he could be like this for god knows how long...