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Is it fair to be in a relationship whilst questioning yourself?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by WilhelmScream, Oct 11, 2014.

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  1. WilhelmScream

    WilhelmScream
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    So this is about my situation rather than a general question, but feel free to add your two cents in general.

    As I've mentioned in a previous thread, i told my girlfriend i think i might be gay (or bi) about a month ago now. We've carried on as we were and things were awkward but getting okay again. Overall, she was really supportive and said she's happy for me to figure it out whilst with her so long as i don't go off and experiment. I know she loves me deeply and i know i love her but i can't stop questioning if it's a romantic love or a mixture of friendship and lust love.

    I've let myself go and started to realize that i'm sexually attracted to men. It's weird even writing that but there it is. I still want to sleep with women but i don't think the desire's the same. I still feel something "down there" when i look at girls who i consider my type but it's not as strong as it was. With guys i usually have to imagine being sexual with them but it gets me going.

    I know that long term, she wants marriage and kids and before i started questioning myself that's genuinely what i wanted. I know she'd be heartbroken if i ended it and the thought of leaving her or not having her in my life makes me cry. I miss her when we're not together, never have a problem being turned on around her but i can't help but feel like it's better just to end it and go and find myself.

    I really don't know what to do, i'm just sick of feeling on the edge of tears, confused, frustrated and all the rest of it. I feel like i'm holding back from really exploring what i'm attracted too because i'm afraid of what the truth may be so am still denial phase i guess you could say. I thought about maybe spending Christmas together and biting the bullet and breaking it off at some point in January so i could let go to see whether i'm really gay. Does that make me a coward or a bad person? I honestly don't feel like i can let her go right now but i don't know whether it'd be kinder to do so sooner rather than later.

    I really appreciate any advice, thanks.
     
    #1 WilhelmScream, Oct 11, 2014
  2. user123456

    user123456
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    If you feel these doubts, I think it's better to break off the relationship. At least temporarily. I understand how hard that is, but the feelings will probably never go away. Who knows, you may find out you don't like men very much and return to your girlfriend. She seems like an amazing person who loves you a lot from what you say, and I think she will understand it if you return to her. Being honest to her is much better than experimenting behind her back.

    You definitely ARE NOT a coward, you are the exact opposite, you are facing your feelings and trying to find a solution so that you don't end up living a stereotypical life full of "what ifs".

    TLDR: I advice you to go out and "find yourself" as you say. I know it hurts but I've done the same and I am glad I've done so, because the feeling only gets worse over time. "What ifs" are a terrible thing and time does not heal them. Grasp your chance while you are still young, eventually you will have to solve this issue, and you will be angry that you didn't sort it out much sooner.
     
    #2 user123456, Oct 11, 2014
  3. OnTheHighway

    OnTheHighway
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    Sounds like you have done the right thing thus far, told her about your concerns and put her on notice. I do agree with the prior post, putting things on hold with her while you figure things out would be a good move. She might be disappointed, but does not sound like she will be surprised.
     
    #3 OnTheHighway, Oct 11, 2014
  4. bornthiswaybby

    bornthiswaybby
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    If you're thinking this way then it is most likely the best thing for you to put things on hold, or even end them, with this girl as you discover yourself. Now, timing wise, I think it would hurt more to wait. Feelings grow stronger with time and I think it would be worse if you waited, though I don't know your relationship, I think now would be better than January. Feel better and good luck with whatever choice you make :slight_smile:
     
    #4 bornthiswaybby, Oct 11, 2014
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