Dating advice for an openly gay 21 year old guy! So frustrated!!

I think the root of your problems are deeper insecurities which you should address before dating. The sooner you realise that your past doesn't define you (I think you've shown this to be true because it seems like you've turned your life around!!) and that it can't be changed, the better. Just remember that everyone has some kind of baggage and you deserve someone who will look past the lower points in your life to the man you are now, and accept every part of you.

Try not to rush finding someone - when you're looking too hard you tend to look at things through rose-tinted glasses, which means your feelings towards someone won't be 100% genuine.

 

^^^ Ditto

being insecure about yourself is your most important thing to tackle. Although I doubt that it's really an insecurity.

I think you need to change the way you think (in the nicest way possible)

you can't complain that guys don't want to date you, you said yourself that you have no problem meeting guys. so what if you're not highly educated? many college guys (including myself) are looking for guys who are well off (which you seem to be)... and by well off I mean a guy who knows how to handle his sh*t and doesn't live on the streets... not the guy with the gold watches and million dollar cars.

Also, dating should NEVER be a competition... if you are meeting guys... take the time to actually get to know them before even thinking about who makes the most $. many college guys started from the bottom. Take that into consideration as well... in the end we are all human no matter how fancy we dress or how educated we "sound".

Edit: Also... never be ashamed of your background, or upbringing, if anything... be proud of how far you've come. Hard working guys are always hot.

 

Hey dude,

First off, congratulations and total respect for all the great stuff you've done with your life. Seriously, most people handed the cards you were dealt with have dug a hole and pulled it in after themselves. You dug your way out and from the sounds of it have built/are building a very nice life for yourself. That kind of drive and determination is beyond what a lot of people bring to the table and anyone who doesn't see that because you don't have a bunch of letters after your name isn't worth your time.

Second, and maybe just to throw a mix of hope and advice in here: When there is love and mutual respect, even relationships where both people come from or do very different things can be very successful.

My best friend in the world has a degree or two, a project manager certification and works for a Fortune 500 company. Her husband (also a good friend of mine) is a retired Navy enlisted guy (he was active when they got married) who was a mechanic on F14 fighters and who now works in the aeronautics industry.

My other best friend also has a degree and various certifications and works for a different Fortune 500 company. Her husband (again a good friend of mine as well) is retired Navy and works for one of the local shipyards here as a rigger.

I work for yet a third Fortune 500 company and have a degree. And my partner (soon to be husband) of 18yrs works in Tech Theater and TV and Film - he does carpentry, paint, lighting, electrical, and sound. He also does plumbing and a bit of welding if needed. He actually has more degrees than I do though He also likes opera/classical while I prefer rock and metal.

The point here is that in all three cases, the main things that makes all these relationships successful (IMHO) is a lack of pretension. We lover our partners and spouses not for what they do for a living or how many letters they can tack on after their names, but for the people they are. We respect them as people and we respect their skills, whether it be in life or on the job. And for whatever reason our personalities 'click' and we find that each of us brings something to the relationship regardless of whether or not one of us showers before work and one showers after.

The point being that if someone respects what you do and who you are, and is willing to learn about your world and the possibility of enjoying at least some of what they find there (And you're open to doing the same with them), then what you each do in your day job often doesn't matter all that much.

Finally, in terms of more direct advice:

I'd suggest looking into dating websites. Find one that is reputable and not just a hookup app under another name and then be very honest about the profile you create there. Tell people some of what you've told us here. That you're looking for dating and a relationship, not a hookup. Maybe that you want to date for a bit before sex gets discussed (or whatever process you prefer). Tell them what you like to do, what music you like, that you like to read and learn, etc. Be honest about who you are and own it. And then see who responds.

In terms of folks who you might click with (based on the admittedly limited information here), my first thoughts are maybe guys who are small business owners (appreciate the value of a hard days work), or guys who work in theater (gay friendly industry and lots of technicians, electricians, carpenters, and other blue collar guys - so odds are good at least some pitch for our team), or TV and film (much the same reasons as theater - from being with my partner, I've met a fair cross-section of both communities and they are some of the most professional 'we don't care who you are, can you get the job done?' type folks I've ever met). You might also look at military guys, or firefighters or paramedics.

You might also look at different venues for meeting guys. If you're in NYC, there must be a ton of gay bars - and not all of them need be dance clubs. There are also gay bars that are more 'traditional' sit down and have a beer, shoot some pool, play darts type places. You might also see if there are any LGBT sports teams you might like, bowling leagues, or meetup groups that do stuff you might enjoy. You might meet a broader cross-section of folks doing things you are more into doing.

That all said, if you find yourself liking a guy, and he's liking you back, don't let the fact that he's a white-collar guy put you off. If he's respectful of who you are and what you do, then that he does something very different shouldn't matter. First and foremost, respect yourself.

Finally finally, when considering things like nice restaurants or other more 'white collar' type things that you might do with some kinds of guys - treat them kind of like another type of reading or learning a new language or the like. Something to try and if you enjoy it, or parts of it, takes those onboard in your life. If you don't, then move on or only do them when you have to. To some degree that may mean occasionally dressing up a bit (which is a handy skill sometimes) or learning to control the cursing for at least a few hours and in some situations. The flip side of that is that a guy who's worth your time will also be willing to do at least some of the stuff that you like to do as well and be open to taking on some of those things into his life. Successful relationships have some degree of learning and some degree of compromise built in, I think.


Hope this helps and best of luck to you.

Todd

 

1) hey congrats on being sober. it takes a lot more courage then you might think. it's even hard for me to keep sober.
2) from what you wrote, it seems like you still hang on a bit to your past and let it define you compare to now. you are in a much better place. our past always shapes people like us to who we are today, and for that you can find some peace in it. don't let it get to your head too much. if you're not the club or lounge guy or anything that has alcohol induced decisions, you can try to find an LGBT group that fits into your schedule and meet some people. keep an open mind when it comes to dating, you might not know when you can meet the right guy. i hope this helps or encourages something haha.

 

Time to just look forward, no need to look in the past and harp on it. At the same time, my partner and myself are from completely different backgrounds as well. I am a white collar worker, he is in the hospitality industry. I love what I do, he loves what he does. We enjoy talking about each of our respective jobs to one another, even though we both have nothing in common in that regard. I enjoy meeting people he works with and he makes fun of the people I work with - its all very good natured and we both love each other, so we have no issues whatsoever with each of our respective professions.

 

Had to comment because I'm from NYC too!

Firstly, congrats on your sobriety. I get the sense that you are smart and always working towards bettering yourself which is commendable!

Secondly, NYC, while full of people can feel empty when looking for a serious relationship. I know because I struggle with it too.

Thirdly (should've been second), your past does not define you. Of course we all go through times where we think we're not good looking enough, smart enough, artistic enough, fit enough...and the list goes on, but you have accomplished a lot. Take pride in the fact that you got sober! Take pride in the fact that you have a great job! Take pride in the fact that you're learning a new language! Basically, be proud of who you've become.

I think construction is great. You get paid a lot and it is a extremely stable career.

I get it, I'm not in the LGBT community myself, I don't have many gay friends and I usually hang out with straight guys and while I know that's just my preference, when it comes to meeting other gay men, it's pretty hard when all you hang out with are straight men!

It's great you found this forum, it'll be a great chance to meet people. As others have mentioned, get into lgbt groups or even volunteering.

The dating scene for most of us at times leaves us thinking there are no monogamous guys around - only guys into hooking up but have a little faith!

Btw, I always order burgers at a restaurant too, it's a great test to see if a restaurant is good or not.